When Lightning Strikes Twice

I'll never forget the phone call I got from my Aunt several years ago.  The tears in her eyes were audible as she said, "lightning strikes twice" and proceeded to tell me unbelievable news that had happened now a second time in her family.  I remember thinking how crazy it was for it to have happened the first time and then hearing it happened again, to another member of the family- it was unreal, like lightning striking twice.

Lightning isn't supposed to strike twice.  It's supposed to hit once, possible devastate the area of the strike, and never hit there again…

In this house, lightning struck twice.

I had a cute blog post all ready to go to tell you all about how our roller coaster ride was successful and we were excitedly expecting!!! And then- with no warning- I heard the words no mother wants to hear, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat."  We joined the 1 in 4 pregnancies that end in loss for the second time. To say I was devastated is an understatement.  There are no words...
Lightning isn't supposed to strike twice- yet it didn't stop…  relationships have ended.  Comments that hurt more than I can ever describe have been "shared" with me.  Opportunities have changed because the loss of a baby is seen as a "problem" with a person.  Not a problem that needs attention to gain support, but a problem that needs to be isolated.

We were 10 weeks... Because of our "roller coaster ride" We knew for almost 7 weeks that our little monkey was growing- our dream if raising a child was going to be fulfilled.  Appointments were scheduled, plans were being made, named picked out... We weren't wasting a minute!  

December 16 changed it all in the blink of an eye.  

I am now mother to 2 angels. Broken, hurting, alone.

My story- Part 3

My story- Part 3…
You can read part 1 here and part 2 here…
This part of my story is the hardest to tell- it makes me smile yet breaks my heart… it took over 2 weeks to write as I wanted it to be just right because it's really not my story… but the story of Tyler Jackson Dietrich.

I've always known I wanted to be a mom.  I love kids and dreamed of one day watching my own children grow up…  Matt and I decided to take our time starting a family… we got married, I was finishing my degree, we got to a relatively comfortable place financially, he was well established in his career and I was headed towards beginning mine… We thought we had all the pieces in place and were ready to add the final one- starting a family.  So, we started trying… At first it was simple- no more "preventing" pregnancy… after no luck we did some research and "stepped up our game"… still no luck so we met with my doctor to begin the process of searching for "the problem"…
As this was happening- the distance in our marriage was beginning… and the lack of success in getting pregnant was weighing heavily on us.
I went for blood work and learned I had an extremely low progesterone level- which could explain a lot of other things about me…. With that information we learned a few more tests would have to happen before we would have pregnancy success- That was the beginning of November; two and a half years into our attempt to get pregnant.  We decided to wait until after Christmas to continue the process…
In the mean time- the strain on our marriage intensifying- I continued to work towards finding a permanent teaching position.  As I shared in Part 2… I planned a trip to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.
While there I noticed things… and we joked that maybe I was pregnant but we knew it wasn't a possibility- I had bloodwork to prove it.  We came home, I prepared for a job interview, had the interview and accepted the job as a long term 4th grade substitute… but lingering in the back of my mind were the jokes of pregnancy from the DR… I took a test and for the first time ever- it was clear as day… I was pregnant!!!
I was ecstatic! For 2.5 years we had tried… and after we thought it wasn't possible- it was!  I told Matt and noticed his reserved excitement… my news had changed his plans… and like I said (in part 2) he is a good man… so we began to plan- how would we tell everyone, what would our future look like- work for me, do we buy a house, will we be able to work things out?
After our first visit to the OB, and our first picture of Baby Dietrich- we shared the news with our closest family and friends.  We kept the circle small, as "it's not safe to share your news until you have made it past the first trimester"…
Everything was great.  Tests came back normal, visits showed I was right on track and healthy, I hadn't gained any weight (I worked hard to make sure I ate healthy and continued to exercise), baby was growing just right.
I started teaching and loved every minute of having my own classroom.
Thursday evening (April 4) I noticed something had changed and it prompted a call to my mom- who called my dad… and then I made a call to the doctor on call… After freaking out to the doctor she told me it sounded like everything was alright as I didn't have any of the indicators that something might be wrong.  Her instructions included take it easy- sitting is best, drink extra water and if I'm really worried make a call to the office in the morning. I did just that- and with Matt's urging I demanded grabbed a mid-afternoon emergency (almost walk-in) appointment.  I left school early- cringing at the thought of leaving my classroom- and assured my principal that Matt and I would return after students had left so that I could prepare my room for PSSA's (you know the standardized tests we subject students to) so that I was ready to go on Monday.  Matt was going to separate desks and cover all posters while I sharpened pencils.
At the doctor's office we waited (you know the whole I demanded to be seen and they thought all was normal)… once we were ushered into our exam room- we explained it all… the midwife thought it was all very normal but agreed to do an internal exam to ease my mind… Her student began the procedure- her eyes got big and she called the midwife over… her eyes got big and she requested to get "the first doctor possible"… The doctor entered- there was whispering and hand gestures… Doctor looks- her eyes get big and sad… She told me to relax and Matt came to my side before she shared that I needed to be transported to the hospital because I was 3cm dilated and baby was pushing through…
Matt drove me the short distance, we went in a "special" entrance- security tried to tell us we were doing it wrong- and I was taken straight to labor & delivery.
The next few hours are a whirlwind.  I met with a doctor from my OB's office… I met with a specialist… and then a second specialist from her practice who was pulled from the office.  Got a sneak peak at Baby D… who was chillin' like a villain just like the doctor's wanted to see…

Excuse me while I step up on my soap box… I have no tolerance for people who complain about having to wait at the doctor to be told everything is just fine… I KNOW I made several doctors run late that day because they dropped everything to try to save my baby.  If the roles were reversed you would want them to make me wait so your precious cargo could get the care needed… to complain about your wait says "my time this morning/afternoon is more important than the wellbeing and life of your baby." Back off my soapbox…

Long and short of the next 24 hours was that we had surprised doctors that I did not go into labor.  After a variety of tests the only option was to put me on strict bed rest until baby arrived.  

They moved me to a room in the "tower" where I would live until baby was ready to join us.  Several friends visited us in the first week.  My mom's family made plans for "the long haul" (Matt and I set a goal of remaining on bed rest until July 4- remember I went in on April 4... That's a lot of time!) and we fell into status quo of doctors and nurses checking in, hearing baby D's heart beat twice a day, and "little" improvements/upgrades (that's a story for another day.). Everyday it was things were holding steady- baby was baking- carry on.  As a precaution Matt and I spoke with specialists to know what to expect if the worst case happened... We were prepared as best we could be... said lots of prayers asking  to make our stay as long as possible... And breathed a sigh of relief when the doctors  started talking about steroids- given at 24 weeks to help baby develop since we were expecting premature birth.  (Even making it to July 4 still meant baby D would be born almost 5 weeks early)that was Friday, April 12.  They would give the first dose Monday as I was showing signs of improvement.  

That evening after watching Big Bang Theory reruns with Matt- I sent him home to Dutchess as I dosed off to sleep.

At 3 am Saturday morning- I called in the nurses, who called in the doctors and then I called in Matt, who called in my parents.  Things were wrong.  I was cramping... Small contractions... But they subsided with extra fluid.  I went back to sleep, Matt took the couch, mom the rocking chair and dad went to work (being a night owl runs in the family).  

In the morning Mom and Matt took turns getting breakfast.  While Matt was having breakfast with my dad, things went downhill- fast.  

My water broke- but not in a gush like I'd been asked about by every nurse and doctor multiple times a day for the previous week... it was a trickle.  The contractions came back.  And eventually it was confirmed I was in labor.  

My room got packed up and I was transported back to labor and delivery.  

I was scared, afraid, exhausted, terrified, sad, unsure, lost, alone- but surrounded by loved ones... Everything was falling apart. 

I began labor knowing my baby would never leave with me- I was 23 weeks 5 days... The steroids didn't happen yet... There was no hope my baby would survive.  

I prepared to meet the child I had prayed for... That I wanted so badly... That I would have to say goodbye to... The child that I LOVED.

I listened to what the doctors told me to expect as things unfolded- What to Expect When You're Expecting had not prepared me for this yet... Actually it hasn't prepared me for any of the past week...

With my parents at my feet (In hindsight- who puts the parents/grandparents there?!?) and Matt by my side... more intense labor started.  

I had chills, I felt like I was on fire, I puked... I was really really sick... Turns out I was fighting a severe infection as I went into labor- one that had a midwife over see the baby and a MD in the room for me.

April 13, 2013 @ 1:17 pm Matt learned it was a boy (I didn't hear that part).
Tyler Jackson Dietrich (TJ).
1lb. 3.9oz.
11.75 inches.
Full head of dark hair.
10 Little fingers and 10 tiny toes.  

He grabbed my thumb, blew bubbles and kicked like a champ.

33 minutes later he breathed his last breaths.  Snuggled in my arms.  Surrounded by LOVE.

I wish I could tell you about those 33 minutes.  But the truth is I can not.  I remember very little- I remember the kicks. The hand on my thumb.  Kissing his soft head.  Telling him how much I love him.  Counting his fingers and toes. And the nurse listening for his last heart beats.  

Matt knows those 33 minutes well- I ask him to tell me about them as often as he can because I can't remember.  I was so sick that I spent most of my sons life too weak to commit my time with him to memory.  Infact I was unconscious for a good bit of that time. I struggle with the fact that I can't remember…
I hope one day Matt will guest post for me so you can have some insight as to how much love surrounded TJ in his short little life.

I can say in all honesty that was the best and worst day of my life thus far.  To welcome my first born into the world, see his precious face... Try to cram a lifetime of LOVE into an unknown short time frame... And then to have to say goodbye...

I wish you to never know the pain of saying goodbye to your child before you ever get to really say hello.  

It sucks.  

I have peace over what happened.  I know there is nothing I could have done differently to have prevented any of it from happening.
I know that my little angel is with Jesus and will greet me one day in heaven- that's something that gives me hope.

TJ's life was short but he will have a lasting effect on how I live my life.  

I give you this small glimpse of my angel baby.  A baby who was blessed enough to know nothing but LOVE.

Photo provided to us by Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.
Please consider making a donation in TJ's memory so that other infant loss parents may have the gift of beautiful photographs with their child too.

My story- Part 2- Marriage

I told you I'd give you my story in parts... you got the 300ish word summary a few days well over a week ago...
Here's where you will get a little more detail.
Almost 10 years ago (December 21, 2003 to be exact) Matt and I went on a first date.  We ate at Ruby Tuesday- I ordered ribs and was a mess!  Yet he decided he wanted the date to continue... so we did some last minute Christmas shopping and drove around looking at Christmas lights.  I drove his truck and at one point he said something that caused me to respond, "Who says that!?!" and then remain silent for a while... after a few minutes he started to worry and texted me something about our "first date"- that broke the silence as I said "first date- you think there's going to be more than one?"  We laughed and that was the beginning of us.  After many years of dating we got engaged (no overly romantic story here) on Christmas Morning 2007.
Matt and I were married on May 9, 2009.  It was a beautiful day- perfect in every possible way!  (Maybe one day I'll tell you about how truly perfect it was...)

About a year after we were married I got the itch to go back to school to finish my Elementary Education degree.  I started off as a part time student and continued to work full time.  Eventually I was presented with a part-time job opportunity that would allow me to go back to school full time.  Thankfully my hard working hubby was willing to work extra hard to support us as I pursued my dream.  As I approached my final semester/student teaching, Matt expressed a desire to obtain his paramedic certification which meant school for him as well.  He worked full time and part time and went to school... I worked part time and went to school full time and had bunches of field experience hours... but we managed to make our schedules work.
Then entered student teaching... If you think teachers work 9-5 M-F and have their summers off... just ask Matt about my student teaching... On days that I didn't have class I left the house at 7:30 and returned home around 6 each night... Thursdays were my late night- and I'd get home sometime after 11... and then that one night a week I had class I would get home around 9:30... every night I brought work home with me- and it wasn't homework from class... I LOVED every minute of being in the classroom, grading papers, creating lessons- being a teacher... but it put a strain on Matt and I spending time together.
Student teaching ended and Matt was full swing in paramedic school... he was now working his "real" job, his part time job, going to class, and completing close to 25 clinical hours a week on average... so I suddenly had time to spend with him but he now carried the crazy schedule...
I graduated... he graduated... our schedules calmed down... you would think life would be great...
It wasn't- we had lost our ability to connect the way we used to... It was rough... I knew I still loved him.... but he started to have doubts because we just struggled to get our groove back.
It felt like the harder I tried to get things working again in our marriage... the farther we grew apart...
In a desperate attempt to save "US", I asked Matt to go with me to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic (DR) for a vacation at an all-inclusive and to consider marriage counseling.
We went to the DR and had a decent time- we relaxed and we able to laugh a little... while we were there I got a call that I had an interview for a long term teaching position and I started to notice things were just a little "different" for me (aka my boobs hurt.)  We got home on a Wednesday.  I interviewed and landed the job on Thursday.  Friday I found out I was pregnant.  (stay tuned for more details in part 3.)
I nervously shared the news with Matt- who looked more scared than excited.... I would later learn that this was because he was preparing to leave me as he had felt life was completely unraveling for him and that was the only way out.  But Matt is a good man- he didn't want to walk out on his now pregnant wife and destroy any chance of our baby having an intact family.  With news of a baby on the way- we continued to work on our marriage... and fell into a holding pattern of barely surviving.
Enter January 24, 2013  (for the next 2 months I would say it was the worst day of my life.)  I got a phone call from a random number... it was Matt telling me he had been in a serious accident- he was ok but needed to go to the hospital and I was NOT to go to the scene- which was only minutes from our house.  I started to FREAK OUT- I called my mom to come drive me as I was in no condition to be operating a vehicle.  And then made phone calls to every person I could to get details.  THANK GOD Matt called me FIRST... on the way to the hospital I learned that it was bad... and once I was by my dear hubby's side- I learned he had rolled across 83 hit the center median and then back across.  Counting my blessings that he was laying in a bed talking to me, I sat in a chair by his side and waited for them to take him for a few last tests to rule out serious injury.  As we waited- he shared news with me that would shatter my world... (this is where I learned of his desire to leave prior to the pregnancy development) the room was spinning as he was wheeled away for tests and I reassured him that I would be waiting for him when he returned.  His tests came back all clear and my mom drove us home.  I got Matt settled at home and my mom stuck around to make sure I was okay... It was in this time that I had the most shameful moments of my life.  I didn't know what to do- I didn't want to hurt… I wanted to protect myself...I wanted to run.  In that moment my mom gave me the best advice she has ever given... She told me I needed to step up and be the wife I vowed to be.  She refused to take me with her- despite my begging- so I went back to caring for Matt.  It was the lowest of the low days thus far...
The ride to marriage "recovery" was long, bumpy, and emotional... but I stuck it out... because when I looked at Matt all I could see was a man who I loved deeply- and that man was the father of my baby.
2 weeks before our pregnancy complications developed, we learned of friends who lost their sweet little girl.  It hit us both hard as they were due just 3 days after us.  This ignited a fire in Matt and overnight things started to drastically change for us.  Our relationship was on the mend... we had lived in survival mode for so long that even the smallest improvements felt monumental... Little did we know that we desperately needed those 2 weeks of growth so we could face what was to come.
Our complications became known and for the first time in a long time- I felt like I had my husband back in full force.  He was amazing every step of the way during my week long hospital stay!  I stopped doubting our future together as I could tell his heart was back in the game.
Together we faced the best and worst day of our lives.
April 13, 2013.
Meeting out precious little boy and saying goodbye to him all in a matter of minutes.  I can not imagine having to do that without my husband by my side.  In the days and weeks after losing TJ we relied on each other, we were each other's source of comfort and strength... and we continued to repair our marriage and grow together.
I'd had lingering concerns that things would fall apart again- nothing that was substantiated- just my own silly insecurities getting the best of me.  Those were all laid to rest the day we got baptized... hearing Matt's story read to the church- hearing him declare his love for me and his love for Jesus... those insecurities started to melt away... and after getting dunked he turned to me and Kissed me... for everyone to see- I was his wife, the one he wanted to be with and he was letting the world know.
While I wish I could say we have a perfect marriage now- I cannot.  We still have our moments where we hit a rocky spot... but we work through it together... we face life together.... and I can't think of any one else I'd rather have by my side!!!

For Starters.

This is all new... Blogging... Outwardly professing my faith in Jesus... Sharing my  story- in all if it's messiness- with the world.  But you've gotta start somewhere- this is my somewhere!

On Sunday I was baptized!  (My hubby and I shared our stories with our LCBC Church family, our real family and friends.  We wanted everyone to know where we stood in our faith.  I'll share more on that in the near future!)

As we left church- with soaking wet hair- Matt said to me, "I feel high!"  It was the perfect way to describe the intense happiness, excitement, completeness, fulfilledness (is that a word?!?) we were experiencing.  

3 days later- that feeling still lingers.  

Although one thing has been hanging over me... a concern I have for one of "my girls"(I'm a life group leader for 7th and 8th grade girls- they are my girls and they will be forever!)... She saw me get baptized and afterwards was very far from her normal bubbly self. I shared this concern with Matt before we left the church parking lot and spent a large part of the night trying to connect with her on any social media- I quickly learned that I NEED to get the contact info for these chicas... I sent messages to other leaders and together we are hunting her down. (It's not as horrible as it sounds.)

I'm hoping that my gut is wrong and she was just ready to hit the hay... But I'm thinking my story was too much. I've shared very little of the messiness of my life with my girls... Now that I've gotten to know them and have shared my story thru baptism that will change.  We will have a fun night- filled with sweet frog or cookie making- and I will show my scars... 

Now that they know that I'm me- I'll ice skate, eat pizza, try gaga ball, give hugs, share candy, laugh, sing way too loud and have a crazy good time... 

My past makes me who I am today- but it doesn't mean life stopped at the bad times.  (I hate "the look" and the awkwardness that happens when people hear my story!)

Before I tell them my story... Before I tell you... And what I am desperately searching this one girl down for... Is to say- before anything else...

When you hear my story- when I tell it- it is filled with great hurt and sadness... I WILL cry... Life is messy, and sometimes just flat out sucks- my life is no different... BUT while I cry with memories- I'm happy because I have HOPE!  I don't live IN that sadness- I live with it, I learn from it, and its a part if the person I am now.   My story is intense.  And it's no where near complete!  There is a very defining chapter.  BUT... The story continues with hope, happiness and LOVE.  

Hear my story... Cry with me... Understand that it's a part of me but not all if me... Celebrate the hope and happiness that is being discovered!  Know that I realize that although my mess is intense- I know you have problems that are consuming to you, just as mine were for me, and I will walk with you.  I will listen.  I will love. 

And after we've shared, cried, and smiled... We need to get back to the party of life- cause the best is yet to come!!!