Not so first day of school

After almost 3 years of hibernating, I’m back and there is MUCH to catch up on- another day... for now this angel mama is just sharing her heart in the moment.
Today I headed into school for my “not so first” day of school.  13 years of grade school, 5.5 years of college, and 3 years as the teacher leave me no stranger to ALL the nerves of the first day of school.
Only this year is incredibly different... this should have been my year to be THAT parent.  You know- proudly posting all the photos of your perfectly dressed kindergarten student ready to begin a bold new adventure.  But I’m not. And no one accurately prepared me for the FLOOD OF EMOTIONS that would arrive as this day approached.
I was so caught off guard- it just kind of snuck up that the day is here.  And I had nothing!
In the past, I’ve done things to set myself up for success on days that I know might be hard.  We did a trip to Hershey Park on TJ’s due date...  A trip to the zoo, balloons, or cake on an angelversary... Gifts from our angel that first Christmas and an ornament on the tree each year... I try to have something to put some happy when I know my heart will especially be hurting.
And. I. Failed. To put some happy in place for the first day of school.
Last night I went to bed in tears.  My baby should be “all grown up”, there will be no pictures- just like all the other missing pictures from these past 5 years- and to top it off I did nothing to prepare.
Life has been busy- TJ’s very busy sister has kept me on my toes.  I am setting up a classroom for the short-term subbing job I’m currently working. Matt is working extra hard to support our family since I have become a stay at home mom (minus that 3 week position)...
In those tears- crying to God to comfort my hurting heart- I started searching, praying for SOMETHING... cue the frantic search- googling for verses, randomly clicking in the Bible app and praying for a verse to speak to me... nothing was fitting what my heart needed but I got myself under control and resorted to setting the alarm and attempting sleep.
Just when I gave up- God stepped in.  I remembered an email for an early morning prayer meeting and also an article I had shared on Facebook a few days prior... with a plan, I drifted off to sleep as I prayed for strength to make it through the day.
The alarm clock rudely woke me a little earlier than normal so I could head to the meeting.  The toddler was full of extra snuggles as we loaded into the car and set out for our day. A quick stop at the babysitter, and then I headed to school.  Looking for a pick me up, I switched to the local Christian Radio station and heard words that have soothed my heart time and time again:

I squeezed into a circle of teachers who had gathered to pray for the school year- the students, the staff, the parents.  Before we headed back to our classrooms to kick the new year, I shared that article with the group.  1 Corinthians 13 for teachers  A new twist on some of my favorite verses and a refreshing reminder minutes before the bell rang.
Then they arrived- and the day got busy.  For a brief moment I shared my heavy heart with a friend- shed a few tears and appreciated the hug she offered as we rushed to the next task.
And God showed up!  In a room of 400ish 7th graders, I saw faces of students from a long term sub job years ago, and then there was L.  L is the son of a teacher friend.  (We taught across the hall from each other and kept each other sane when elementary school had it's moments.)  I took a seat next to him and snapped a selfie to share with his mom.  Not quite the 1st day of Kindergarten picture I was missing, but a moment captured with a genuine smile.

The day was busy.  I didn't have time to think about what was missing.  Until 5th period.  We had some extra time and played a getting to know you game.  When asked how many siblings you have, one student expressed confusing because he had a brother who had died.  Immediately those around him came to the consensus that this student needed to count his brother because "he still lives in your heart"- words of a 7th grade boy.  Even in all the 7th grade awkwardness- wow.  A few questions later, I had a the opportunity to speak privately with the student and express my condolences for the loss of his brother.  And again God showed up.  This student shared that he never knew his brother because he died when he was born, and he shrugged.  I reinforced what the classmate had said earlier, that he's still a brother and I was sorry for his loss.  This student continued to share with me that this brother was named Tyler.

Hold. The. Phone.  Yeah.  And just like that, the heartache was replaced with some warm fuzzy...

Thank you God for that sweet moment.

The rest of the day was just busy.  Nothing remarkable just a busy first day of school.

God knew I what I needed even when I hadn't prepared for it.  Friendly faces, busy doing what I love, and just enough reminders that my angel was all ready for his first day of school!

The more you know...

Here we sit... again trudging thru the darkness that consumes after the loss of a baby.  Traveling this path once is horrible, twice is nothing shy of pure hell.  With each loss, life changes.  Friends disappear, true colors are shown, and in the end you come out a very different person.  Yet as different as you are- you crave to be the same.  You need to be the same.
I'm guessing that most of you reading this aren't "part of the club" meaning you haven't lost a baby.  Oh how I envy you...
Just as you can't imagine how it is to know loss... I can't imagine how it is to try and walk beside someone who knows loss, and not have a clue.
Let me share what I've learned- both from my experience as an angel mother and as a friend who has walked beside others who have lost.

1) Be there.  It's just that simple.  No need for constant words.  Just be there.  With a tissue, with a hug, with a listening ear, with yourself.  Nothing says more to someone who feels completely alone than to have someone being there.

2) Don't lie.  If an angel mom asks you a point blank question- a lie is ALWAYS the wrong answer.  The truth will be found out and will hurt a million times more.  Lying to us says you don't value us, that we don't matter. This is especially true of "announcements."  The announcement will most likely send us into tears... but lying about it damages the joy we will feel.

3) Be sensitive.  If you are inviting us to a baby/pregnancy event let us know.  Sending a baby shower invite?  A phone call ahead of time will soften the blow at the mailbox. Announcing? As impersonal as it may seem- a perfectly timed text/email helps.  Catch us at home, not alone.  This allows us to shed the tears we so desperately need to, yet respond with the happiness we want to show you.

4) Please don't tell us we are too sad.  We know it.  We hate it.  And we could never wish anyone to have to experience this sadness.  Instead of telling us we are sad- Be There.

5) Follow Through.  I can't tell you the number of people who said "we should get together"  or "lets do dinner sometime."  Yet 4 months later- nothing.  It may not seem like it, but we really like the thought of human interaction.  Is it possible that it's not going to be the most exciting night of your week?  Most definitely.  Are you going to help make angel parents feel loved, valued, and semi-normal.  ABSOLUTELY.  An hour or 2 of "sacrifice" to spend with us can help prevent #4.  Just the same, we notice the people who offer and then never show and that sends a very clear message that we don't matter.

6) Don't take "No" for an answer.  I used this phrase when organizing meals for a friend going through a rough spot.  Never did I expect it to be "used against me"  but it was.  A meal was offered to us, I politely declined (because that's what you try to do) and my friend quoted me word for word.  She showed up with a simple meal... a meal that said, "we love you, we care about you, we are sorry we can't fix this."  It was a dinner (and lunch the next day) that I didn't have to think about or even prepare.  And a portion of the meal was something new for us.  Now every time we have it, I think of this friend and her caring.

7) Give us grace.  We will cry.  We might say something that seems odd or offends you- kindly let us know.  Chances are we didn't mean to.  We live in a different world- a world that society has silenced and we are trying to break the silence in hopes that no one else ever loses a baby.

8) Don't take away things that bring us joy.  The greatest disservice you can do to someone in the darkness of loss is to add more loss. In the darkness of infant loss anything that disappears after that loss is also a loss. And it just sends us farther into the darkness.  Friends fading away= loss.  Replaced on the team= loss.  Asked to take time away from a passion= loss.  As a wise friend once told me, "it's just like shoveling more sh!t onto the pile."

9) Small gifts/tokens and donations.  These are HUGE! There are many amazing organizations out there specifically making mementos for angel parents- sunset pictures, name boards, necklaces, dog tags, charms, statues, bears... the list is rather incredible. All things designed to bring comfort to a grieving parent.  Something that remembers their baby soothes the soul and speaks so loudly.  Visit with something small.  Send a card with a note that you donated to a baby loss charity.  Simple actions that say so much!

10) Speak baby's name.  Nothing makes my heart smile bigger than hearing someone else talk about TJ or our miscarried monkey.  We know it's not comfortable for you, but we love to hear it.  If you can't say it- find a way to allow us to bring it up in conversation.

11) Value our feelings.  If we reach out to you and tell you something we are feeling, acknowledge it. We aren't asking you to agree with it, but we are trusting you to value what we have to say.  I shared my heart the other day, something that was just really hard to hear and I reached out to 2 friends to express the challenge it was. One friend responded with "Hugs" and the other told me, "that's just how life is."  The first response said to me, "I'm here, I care, I don't necessarily understand/agree, but I know you hurt and I love you."  The other said, "Who cares that you hurt, get over it already."  I know that's not how my friend intended for it to be- but that's how my hurting heart took it.

12) Don't assume you know how we feel.  This has been one of the biggest struggles for me.  My experience with baby loss is unlike anyone else's.  I can relate to how most angel parents feel, but I will never know 100%.  This goes hand in hand with #11.  Value our feelings, we value yours!

13) Greet us with: "it's good to see you!" Instead of "how are you?"  The first is warm and safe- it's welcoming.  The later is a loaded question!  Do you really want to know?  Do I really want to share?  I'm trying to make this transition completely... To greet someone I'm happy to see and save that loaded question for when I truly am inquiring.  

14) Look beyond the tears.  Angel parent's emotions betray us... I get tears over everything!  Tears when I'm sad and hurting, tears when I'm healing, tears when my soul is being soothed, and tears with a happy heart.  Follow our lead not our tears.  And when in doubt, give a hug, a tissue, and a kind, loving word.  

Pregnancy and infant loss is an indescribable experience- we are learning just as you are. It's something that will NEVER go away!   Walking with us through our journey is the best thing you can do to ease the pain, lessen the burden, show us you care.  Love us- period!

If you know someone who has had a loss- maybe yesterday, maybe a year ago, 5 years, 10... Maybe it happens tomorrow... Remember these things, apply them and know- you are making a difference that will forever be appreciated!

Rainy Wednesday

It's been a while… I have a few posts that have been sitting in cue (including one from the beach- YIKES!) that I should really just edit and post… but tonight I offer you some insight into the randomness filling my brain on this rainy evening.

As has become the norm for my life- today was anything but what I expected it to be… I was supposed to wake up, handle some necessary bill paying, wash wallpaper glue off some walls, do some laundry, play with Clara, go to dinner with friends and take care of some chores around the house.
Necessary bill paying required a trip to my parents to use their fax machine (YAY property taxes!)… while I was there my mom asked me to go with her to visit my Aunt.  My Aunt has spent the better part of the last 2 weeks at my Uncle's side as he battles cancer in the hospital.  I quickly decided that wallpaper glue could just spend another day or two as the decor of my powder room and jumped in the car for a visit…

I'm no stranger to cancer and the effects it has on people… I saw is slowly take life from my Pap and I watched my Mom Kick Cancer's butt!!!  I know it's not kind- and I know the helpless feeling as you just sit there and watch and wait and realize all you can do is Pray.

I thought we were going to offer a some hugs and a few minutes of friendly faces for my Aunt.
This was a good afternoon- vitals were favorable (YAY no fever!) and we got a short visit with my Uncle.  At first I was struck with how he looked like Pap, even though my Uncle married into the family.  His hair color had changed after chemo treatment, and he had traded in his standard golf polo for a pair of flannel PJ's.  My Uncle had always been a pillar of strength in the family- to see him in such a frail state was a challenge, even though I thought I was prepared.
It didn't take long for some of his old spirit to appear!  We walked a few laps with him around the floor.  Lap 1 was met with cheers from the nurses- that brought smiles as we walked.  Lap 2 he was still feeling good…
Lap 3 brought a flashback of childhood memories.

Side note:  My Aunt and Uncle always hosted family Easter gatherings.   This always includes an Easter egg hunt.  You can't have an easter egg hunt with my family without properly warming up.  Warm up exercises are always led by my Uncle.  It's normally quite the sight  and a tradition I missed this year!

As we rounded the corner to start lap 3 my Uncle announced, "This is a nice straight away.  Stretch the legs.  Nice deep breaths.  This feels good!"  I giggled.  I pictured a room filled with kiddos taking lunging steps with him, preparing to find All the Eggs.  

Lap 4 was a battle of wills- he wanted to keep going… my Aunt thought 4 was enough for now and Mom agreed.  So we returned to the room.  

I spent a few minutes talking with him.  He asked how I was liking LCBC.  We talked about my involvement with Jcrew and camp. He smiled.  Then he asked about Matt.  The smile on his face grew as I shared that Matt was also involved and loving LCBC.  He was happy to hear that we had found a church where we could be involved and grow.  Yay for being able to provide a bit of non-medical brightness to a rather dreary day.

We said our goodbyes and headed for home.  

The chores never happened… the glue is still on the wall… I did do a load of laundry and spent some time playing with Clara… and I paid a few bills… dinner with friends was traded for a stop in to see the hubby at work and refuel him with some iced coffee…

For a not very productive day, I was beat, but it was so worth it!

 And now I need to get some rest because this chic is taking a van full of kids to "The Sweetest Place on Earth" tomorrow!

My story- Part 3

My story- Part 3…
You can read part 1 here and part 2 here…
This part of my story is the hardest to tell- it makes me smile yet breaks my heart… it took over 2 weeks to write as I wanted it to be just right because it's really not my story… but the story of Tyler Jackson Dietrich.

I've always known I wanted to be a mom.  I love kids and dreamed of one day watching my own children grow up…  Matt and I decided to take our time starting a family… we got married, I was finishing my degree, we got to a relatively comfortable place financially, he was well established in his career and I was headed towards beginning mine… We thought we had all the pieces in place and were ready to add the final one- starting a family.  So, we started trying… At first it was simple- no more "preventing" pregnancy… after no luck we did some research and "stepped up our game"… still no luck so we met with my doctor to begin the process of searching for "the problem"…
As this was happening- the distance in our marriage was beginning… and the lack of success in getting pregnant was weighing heavily on us.
I went for blood work and learned I had an extremely low progesterone level- which could explain a lot of other things about me…. With that information we learned a few more tests would have to happen before we would have pregnancy success- That was the beginning of November; two and a half years into our attempt to get pregnant.  We decided to wait until after Christmas to continue the process…
In the mean time- the strain on our marriage intensifying- I continued to work towards finding a permanent teaching position.  As I shared in Part 2… I planned a trip to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.
While there I noticed things… and we joked that maybe I was pregnant but we knew it wasn't a possibility- I had bloodwork to prove it.  We came home, I prepared for a job interview, had the interview and accepted the job as a long term 4th grade substitute… but lingering in the back of my mind were the jokes of pregnancy from the DR… I took a test and for the first time ever- it was clear as day… I was pregnant!!!
I was ecstatic! For 2.5 years we had tried… and after we thought it wasn't possible- it was!  I told Matt and noticed his reserved excitement… my news had changed his plans… and like I said (in part 2) he is a good man… so we began to plan- how would we tell everyone, what would our future look like- work for me, do we buy a house, will we be able to work things out?
After our first visit to the OB, and our first picture of Baby Dietrich- we shared the news with our closest family and friends.  We kept the circle small, as "it's not safe to share your news until you have made it past the first trimester"…
Everything was great.  Tests came back normal, visits showed I was right on track and healthy, I hadn't gained any weight (I worked hard to make sure I ate healthy and continued to exercise), baby was growing just right.
I started teaching and loved every minute of having my own classroom.
Thursday evening (April 4) I noticed something had changed and it prompted a call to my mom- who called my dad… and then I made a call to the doctor on call… After freaking out to the doctor she told me it sounded like everything was alright as I didn't have any of the indicators that something might be wrong.  Her instructions included take it easy- sitting is best, drink extra water and if I'm really worried make a call to the office in the morning. I did just that- and with Matt's urging I demanded grabbed a mid-afternoon emergency (almost walk-in) appointment.  I left school early- cringing at the thought of leaving my classroom- and assured my principal that Matt and I would return after students had left so that I could prepare my room for PSSA's (you know the standardized tests we subject students to) so that I was ready to go on Monday.  Matt was going to separate desks and cover all posters while I sharpened pencils.
At the doctor's office we waited (you know the whole I demanded to be seen and they thought all was normal)… once we were ushered into our exam room- we explained it all… the midwife thought it was all very normal but agreed to do an internal exam to ease my mind… Her student began the procedure- her eyes got big and she called the midwife over… her eyes got big and she requested to get "the first doctor possible"… The doctor entered- there was whispering and hand gestures… Doctor looks- her eyes get big and sad… She told me to relax and Matt came to my side before she shared that I needed to be transported to the hospital because I was 3cm dilated and baby was pushing through…
Matt drove me the short distance, we went in a "special" entrance- security tried to tell us we were doing it wrong- and I was taken straight to labor & delivery.
The next few hours are a whirlwind.  I met with a doctor from my OB's office… I met with a specialist… and then a second specialist from her practice who was pulled from the office.  Got a sneak peak at Baby D… who was chillin' like a villain just like the doctor's wanted to see…

Excuse me while I step up on my soap box… I have no tolerance for people who complain about having to wait at the doctor to be told everything is just fine… I KNOW I made several doctors run late that day because they dropped everything to try to save my baby.  If the roles were reversed you would want them to make me wait so your precious cargo could get the care needed… to complain about your wait says "my time this morning/afternoon is more important than the wellbeing and life of your baby." Back off my soapbox…

Long and short of the next 24 hours was that we had surprised doctors that I did not go into labor.  After a variety of tests the only option was to put me on strict bed rest until baby arrived.  

They moved me to a room in the "tower" where I would live until baby was ready to join us.  Several friends visited us in the first week.  My mom's family made plans for "the long haul" (Matt and I set a goal of remaining on bed rest until July 4- remember I went in on April 4... That's a lot of time!) and we fell into status quo of doctors and nurses checking in, hearing baby D's heart beat twice a day, and "little" improvements/upgrades (that's a story for another day.). Everyday it was things were holding steady- baby was baking- carry on.  As a precaution Matt and I spoke with specialists to know what to expect if the worst case happened... We were prepared as best we could be... said lots of prayers asking  to make our stay as long as possible... And breathed a sigh of relief when the doctors  started talking about steroids- given at 24 weeks to help baby develop since we were expecting premature birth.  (Even making it to July 4 still meant baby D would be born almost 5 weeks early)that was Friday, April 12.  They would give the first dose Monday as I was showing signs of improvement.  

That evening after watching Big Bang Theory reruns with Matt- I sent him home to Dutchess as I dosed off to sleep.

At 3 am Saturday morning- I called in the nurses, who called in the doctors and then I called in Matt, who called in my parents.  Things were wrong.  I was cramping... Small contractions... But they subsided with extra fluid.  I went back to sleep, Matt took the couch, mom the rocking chair and dad went to work (being a night owl runs in the family).  

In the morning Mom and Matt took turns getting breakfast.  While Matt was having breakfast with my dad, things went downhill- fast.  

My water broke- but not in a gush like I'd been asked about by every nurse and doctor multiple times a day for the previous week... it was a trickle.  The contractions came back.  And eventually it was confirmed I was in labor.  

My room got packed up and I was transported back to labor and delivery.  

I was scared, afraid, exhausted, terrified, sad, unsure, lost, alone- but surrounded by loved ones... Everything was falling apart. 

I began labor knowing my baby would never leave with me- I was 23 weeks 5 days... The steroids didn't happen yet... There was no hope my baby would survive.  

I prepared to meet the child I had prayed for... That I wanted so badly... That I would have to say goodbye to... The child that I LOVED.

I listened to what the doctors told me to expect as things unfolded- What to Expect When You're Expecting had not prepared me for this yet... Actually it hasn't prepared me for any of the past week...

With my parents at my feet (In hindsight- who puts the parents/grandparents there?!?) and Matt by my side... more intense labor started.  

I had chills, I felt like I was on fire, I puked... I was really really sick... Turns out I was fighting a severe infection as I went into labor- one that had a midwife over see the baby and a MD in the room for me.

April 13, 2013 @ 1:17 pm Matt learned it was a boy (I didn't hear that part).
Tyler Jackson Dietrich (TJ).
1lb. 3.9oz.
11.75 inches.
Full head of dark hair.
10 Little fingers and 10 tiny toes.  

He grabbed my thumb, blew bubbles and kicked like a champ.

33 minutes later he breathed his last breaths.  Snuggled in my arms.  Surrounded by LOVE.

I wish I could tell you about those 33 minutes.  But the truth is I can not.  I remember very little- I remember the kicks. The hand on my thumb.  Kissing his soft head.  Telling him how much I love him.  Counting his fingers and toes. And the nurse listening for his last heart beats.  

Matt knows those 33 minutes well- I ask him to tell me about them as often as he can because I can't remember.  I was so sick that I spent most of my sons life too weak to commit my time with him to memory.  Infact I was unconscious for a good bit of that time. I struggle with the fact that I can't remember…
I hope one day Matt will guest post for me so you can have some insight as to how much love surrounded TJ in his short little life.

I can say in all honesty that was the best and worst day of my life thus far.  To welcome my first born into the world, see his precious face... Try to cram a lifetime of LOVE into an unknown short time frame... And then to have to say goodbye...

I wish you to never know the pain of saying goodbye to your child before you ever get to really say hello.  

It sucks.  

I have peace over what happened.  I know there is nothing I could have done differently to have prevented any of it from happening.
I know that my little angel is with Jesus and will greet me one day in heaven- that's something that gives me hope.

TJ's life was short but he will have a lasting effect on how I live my life.  

I give you this small glimpse of my angel baby.  A baby who was blessed enough to know nothing but LOVE.

Photo provided to us by Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.
Please consider making a donation in TJ's memory so that other infant loss parents may have the gift of beautiful photographs with their child too.

My story- Part 2- Marriage

I told you I'd give you my story in parts... you got the 300ish word summary a few days well over a week ago...
Here's where you will get a little more detail.
Almost 10 years ago (December 21, 2003 to be exact) Matt and I went on a first date.  We ate at Ruby Tuesday- I ordered ribs and was a mess!  Yet he decided he wanted the date to continue... so we did some last minute Christmas shopping and drove around looking at Christmas lights.  I drove his truck and at one point he said something that caused me to respond, "Who says that!?!" and then remain silent for a while... after a few minutes he started to worry and texted me something about our "first date"- that broke the silence as I said "first date- you think there's going to be more than one?"  We laughed and that was the beginning of us.  After many years of dating we got engaged (no overly romantic story here) on Christmas Morning 2007.
Matt and I were married on May 9, 2009.  It was a beautiful day- perfect in every possible way!  (Maybe one day I'll tell you about how truly perfect it was...)

About a year after we were married I got the itch to go back to school to finish my Elementary Education degree.  I started off as a part time student and continued to work full time.  Eventually I was presented with a part-time job opportunity that would allow me to go back to school full time.  Thankfully my hard working hubby was willing to work extra hard to support us as I pursued my dream.  As I approached my final semester/student teaching, Matt expressed a desire to obtain his paramedic certification which meant school for him as well.  He worked full time and part time and went to school... I worked part time and went to school full time and had bunches of field experience hours... but we managed to make our schedules work.
Then entered student teaching... If you think teachers work 9-5 M-F and have their summers off... just ask Matt about my student teaching... On days that I didn't have class I left the house at 7:30 and returned home around 6 each night... Thursdays were my late night- and I'd get home sometime after 11... and then that one night a week I had class I would get home around 9:30... every night I brought work home with me- and it wasn't homework from class... I LOVED every minute of being in the classroom, grading papers, creating lessons- being a teacher... but it put a strain on Matt and I spending time together.
Student teaching ended and Matt was full swing in paramedic school... he was now working his "real" job, his part time job, going to class, and completing close to 25 clinical hours a week on average... so I suddenly had time to spend with him but he now carried the crazy schedule...
I graduated... he graduated... our schedules calmed down... you would think life would be great...
It wasn't- we had lost our ability to connect the way we used to... It was rough... I knew I still loved him.... but he started to have doubts because we just struggled to get our groove back.
It felt like the harder I tried to get things working again in our marriage... the farther we grew apart...
In a desperate attempt to save "US", I asked Matt to go with me to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic (DR) for a vacation at an all-inclusive and to consider marriage counseling.
We went to the DR and had a decent time- we relaxed and we able to laugh a little... while we were there I got a call that I had an interview for a long term teaching position and I started to notice things were just a little "different" for me (aka my boobs hurt.)  We got home on a Wednesday.  I interviewed and landed the job on Thursday.  Friday I found out I was pregnant.  (stay tuned for more details in part 3.)
I nervously shared the news with Matt- who looked more scared than excited.... I would later learn that this was because he was preparing to leave me as he had felt life was completely unraveling for him and that was the only way out.  But Matt is a good man- he didn't want to walk out on his now pregnant wife and destroy any chance of our baby having an intact family.  With news of a baby on the way- we continued to work on our marriage... and fell into a holding pattern of barely surviving.
Enter January 24, 2013  (for the next 2 months I would say it was the worst day of my life.)  I got a phone call from a random number... it was Matt telling me he had been in a serious accident- he was ok but needed to go to the hospital and I was NOT to go to the scene- which was only minutes from our house.  I started to FREAK OUT- I called my mom to come drive me as I was in no condition to be operating a vehicle.  And then made phone calls to every person I could to get details.  THANK GOD Matt called me FIRST... on the way to the hospital I learned that it was bad... and once I was by my dear hubby's side- I learned he had rolled across 83 hit the center median and then back across.  Counting my blessings that he was laying in a bed talking to me, I sat in a chair by his side and waited for them to take him for a few last tests to rule out serious injury.  As we waited- he shared news with me that would shatter my world... (this is where I learned of his desire to leave prior to the pregnancy development) the room was spinning as he was wheeled away for tests and I reassured him that I would be waiting for him when he returned.  His tests came back all clear and my mom drove us home.  I got Matt settled at home and my mom stuck around to make sure I was okay... It was in this time that I had the most shameful moments of my life.  I didn't know what to do- I didn't want to hurt… I wanted to protect myself...I wanted to run.  In that moment my mom gave me the best advice she has ever given... She told me I needed to step up and be the wife I vowed to be.  She refused to take me with her- despite my begging- so I went back to caring for Matt.  It was the lowest of the low days thus far...
The ride to marriage "recovery" was long, bumpy, and emotional... but I stuck it out... because when I looked at Matt all I could see was a man who I loved deeply- and that man was the father of my baby.
2 weeks before our pregnancy complications developed, we learned of friends who lost their sweet little girl.  It hit us both hard as they were due just 3 days after us.  This ignited a fire in Matt and overnight things started to drastically change for us.  Our relationship was on the mend... we had lived in survival mode for so long that even the smallest improvements felt monumental... Little did we know that we desperately needed those 2 weeks of growth so we could face what was to come.
Our complications became known and for the first time in a long time- I felt like I had my husband back in full force.  He was amazing every step of the way during my week long hospital stay!  I stopped doubting our future together as I could tell his heart was back in the game.
Together we faced the best and worst day of our lives.
April 13, 2013.
Meeting out precious little boy and saying goodbye to him all in a matter of minutes.  I can not imagine having to do that without my husband by my side.  In the days and weeks after losing TJ we relied on each other, we were each other's source of comfort and strength... and we continued to repair our marriage and grow together.
I'd had lingering concerns that things would fall apart again- nothing that was substantiated- just my own silly insecurities getting the best of me.  Those were all laid to rest the day we got baptized... hearing Matt's story read to the church- hearing him declare his love for me and his love for Jesus... those insecurities started to melt away... and after getting dunked he turned to me and Kissed me... for everyone to see- I was his wife, the one he wanted to be with and he was letting the world know.
While I wish I could say we have a perfect marriage now- I cannot.  We still have our moments where we hit a rocky spot... but we work through it together... we face life together.... and I can't think of any one else I'd rather have by my side!!!