Not so first day of school

After almost 3 years of hibernating, I’m back and there is MUCH to catch up on- another day... for now this angel mama is just sharing her heart in the moment.
Today I headed into school for my “not so first” day of school.  13 years of grade school, 5.5 years of college, and 3 years as the teacher leave me no stranger to ALL the nerves of the first day of school.
Only this year is incredibly different... this should have been my year to be THAT parent.  You know- proudly posting all the photos of your perfectly dressed kindergarten student ready to begin a bold new adventure.  But I’m not. And no one accurately prepared me for the FLOOD OF EMOTIONS that would arrive as this day approached.
I was so caught off guard- it just kind of snuck up that the day is here.  And I had nothing!
In the past, I’ve done things to set myself up for success on days that I know might be hard.  We did a trip to Hershey Park on TJ’s due date...  A trip to the zoo, balloons, or cake on an angelversary... Gifts from our angel that first Christmas and an ornament on the tree each year... I try to have something to put some happy when I know my heart will especially be hurting.
And. I. Failed. To put some happy in place for the first day of school.
Last night I went to bed in tears.  My baby should be “all grown up”, there will be no pictures- just like all the other missing pictures from these past 5 years- and to top it off I did nothing to prepare.
Life has been busy- TJ’s very busy sister has kept me on my toes.  I am setting up a classroom for the short-term subbing job I’m currently working. Matt is working extra hard to support our family since I have become a stay at home mom (minus that 3 week position)...
In those tears- crying to God to comfort my hurting heart- I started searching, praying for SOMETHING... cue the frantic search- googling for verses, randomly clicking in the Bible app and praying for a verse to speak to me... nothing was fitting what my heart needed but I got myself under control and resorted to setting the alarm and attempting sleep.
Just when I gave up- God stepped in.  I remembered an email for an early morning prayer meeting and also an article I had shared on Facebook a few days prior... with a plan, I drifted off to sleep as I prayed for strength to make it through the day.
The alarm clock rudely woke me a little earlier than normal so I could head to the meeting.  The toddler was full of extra snuggles as we loaded into the car and set out for our day. A quick stop at the babysitter, and then I headed to school.  Looking for a pick me up, I switched to the local Christian Radio station and heard words that have soothed my heart time and time again:

I squeezed into a circle of teachers who had gathered to pray for the school year- the students, the staff, the parents.  Before we headed back to our classrooms to kick the new year, I shared that article with the group.  1 Corinthians 13 for teachers  A new twist on some of my favorite verses and a refreshing reminder minutes before the bell rang.
Then they arrived- and the day got busy.  For a brief moment I shared my heavy heart with a friend- shed a few tears and appreciated the hug she offered as we rushed to the next task.
And God showed up!  In a room of 400ish 7th graders, I saw faces of students from a long term sub job years ago, and then there was L.  L is the son of a teacher friend.  (We taught across the hall from each other and kept each other sane when elementary school had it's moments.)  I took a seat next to him and snapped a selfie to share with his mom.  Not quite the 1st day of Kindergarten picture I was missing, but a moment captured with a genuine smile.

The day was busy.  I didn't have time to think about what was missing.  Until 5th period.  We had some extra time and played a getting to know you game.  When asked how many siblings you have, one student expressed confusing because he had a brother who had died.  Immediately those around him came to the consensus that this student needed to count his brother because "he still lives in your heart"- words of a 7th grade boy.  Even in all the 7th grade awkwardness- wow.  A few questions later, I had a the opportunity to speak privately with the student and express my condolences for the loss of his brother.  And again God showed up.  This student shared that he never knew his brother because he died when he was born, and he shrugged.  I reinforced what the classmate had said earlier, that he's still a brother and I was sorry for his loss.  This student continued to share with me that this brother was named Tyler.

Hold. The. Phone.  Yeah.  And just like that, the heartache was replaced with some warm fuzzy...

Thank you God for that sweet moment.

The rest of the day was just busy.  Nothing remarkable just a busy first day of school.

God knew I what I needed even when I hadn't prepared for it.  Friendly faces, busy doing what I love, and just enough reminders that my angel was all ready for his first day of school!

my ice bucket challenge

I got not 1 but 3 nominations for the latest "craze"… the ALS ice bucket challenge- done to raise funds for ALS.  Incase you have been living under a rock this is how it works… You get nominated by someone to either dump a bucket of ice water over your head or donate $100 to the ALS foundation and you have 24 hours to make that happen.  It's done great things for creating awareness of ALS, a life changing disease that affects roughly 1 in 50,000 people.  It's awesome to see how this has taken off… and it got me thinking…

1 in 4 pregnancies result in loss; miscarriage, still birth, infant loss (like we experienced with TJ).  1 in 4  that's 25% of pregnancies.  Before Tyler, I knew that the first 12 weeks of pregnancy were "in the danger zone".  Now I know that while the first 12 weeks carry the greatest chance for a miscarriage there is still a chance for something to "to wrong".  What BLOWS MY MIND is that NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT!  I read What to Expect When Your Expecting and it doesn't talk about all the OTHER things that can happen after the first trimester.  Society as a whole is silent about pregnancy and infant loss- yet it affects so many.  HOW?  WHY?  Yes it's a horribly sad topic.  But why are we not talking about it?  Why do grieving mothers get "the look" at the mere mention of a lost baby?  Why is it a taboo topic?  Why does Facebook feel that pictures of pre-term babies are unacceptable and are removed yet there is no issue with nearly nude photos, extremely suggestive photos, or any variety of other offensive pictures?  I could spend all day asking questions…

I want to help break the silence!  Lifetime started by airing a movie about stillbirth called Return to Zero.  There are many organizations that support pregnancy and infant loss, yet no one seems to know about them.  Have you heard of:
 Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep  They provide professional photographs of babies who have passed while in the hospital- free of charge. I treasure my pictures of TJ more than words can describe!
Sweet Pea Project  The offer comfort, support, and guidance to grieving parents AND send blankets to hospitals so that grieving parents can have something that "belongs to baby"
 or  Held Your Whole Life?  This organization provides hand stamped personalized necklaces (for mom) and key chains (for dad).  Having something with your child's name can be helpful in feeling like they are not forgotten.
Again- I could list these for days… different organizations that raise funds to prevent any number of pregnancy complications that can occur...

March of Dimes is probably the best known organization that speaks to pregnancy and infant loss but that's because they fund research and have developed procedures that save babies- they aren't as known for the support they offer to grieving parents.

Those are just a few of the MANY "unknown" organizations that exist to support the 1 in 4 who know the heartache of this type of loss.


Here's how we are going to break the silence… instead of dumping a bucket of ice on my head- I'm heading to the local blood bank to make a donation (as soon as I am eligible to donate again).  A bucket of cold water doesn't do anything to help someone else… a needle and a half hour of your time can save up to 3 lives!

I challenge you to break the silence of the 1 in 4!  Make a blood donation or donate to one of the organizations above.  (Be a superstar and donate to all 4!)

Know someone who has lost a baby- Ask her how she is really doing.  Speak baby's name.  Give her a hug and let her know you haven't forgotten.
I promise you it will make the day of a mother of an angel baby!

Awful Arthur

This is only a month and a half late… What you are about to read was typed in the car… I delayed posting as we recovered from the ride and celebrated the 4th…and then delayed some more just for good measure…
 So here you have it… Thoughts from our OBX vacation that ended early thanks to Hurricane Arthur.

It's 1:30 am Wednesday night/Thursday morning... I'm sitting in the passenger seat of a very loaded down Jeep... In tears as my week long vacation is ending 3 days early... 

Hatteras Island faces a mandatory evacuation 5am Thursday... Ummm- I LOVE OBX but I have a strong dislike for lots of traffic AND for being forced to take the long way... Matt's dislike for those things is even more intense than mine... And so we packed and left...

And like any 31 year old- I cried... 

This was an AWESOME vacation... Some very much needed reconnection time with the man I love... The calm before we begin our fertility treatment journey... 

The OBX has always been our place- it was our first real vacation together and a place we have visited every year... Where we went on our honeymoon, and where we went after we lost TJ... It's just been out retreat from life- we love the slow pace, lack of "busy" things to do, and daily trips to the beach or sound... Not to mention its DOG FRIENDLY- Dutchess used to vacation with us!  

This year was Clara's first trip... This year should have been TJ's first trip… 

I was so busy enjoying the trip that my photos are limited… but here are a few...

We had fun taking Clara to bounce at the ocean!

We listened to Sundays message from LCBC while sitting on the beach (2 votes from the Dietrich's for a LCBC-OBX campus!)

We made a sand castle for TJ.

 

We rode wave runners! (Checked one off the bucket list!)

We spent hours floating over waves and sitting under the umbrella... Just relaxing- loving life!

We hit up our "must" stops- Howard's Pub & the Slushie Stand on Ocracoke (yay ferry ride), Top Dog, Village Conery (Clara walked there with us and had her first soft serve ice cream experience), and our last meal was crabs from Austin's South Island Seafood.  It was good eating!  

We broke in our new kicks.

OBX 2014 was all lined up to be an amazing vacation.

Until it was time to leave... Suddenly my heart felt heavy- like I was leaving without a goodbye- only what adult needs to say goodbye to the beach?!?  

Then I remembered I had wanted to write in the sand... 

All week my heart had been full, peaceful as I soaked up the beauty of God's creation. And then as I faced leaving it I felt a separation coming... 

I recognized that heavy heart- it had been hiding for a while... Always there but kindly keeping to its self UNTIL NOW- 7pm as we pack to evacuate and end our vacay.  Hello the heart if a grieving mother... There is not a moment that I don't miss my sweet angel, but this was intense!

I woke Matt from his nap, leashed up Clara and headed to the beach...  This needed to happen

But first we found TJs sandcastle, in decent shape considering we had built it 10 hours prior.

It was perfect to see- but started the waterworks.  We sat in the sand and talked about missing our boy... About how the beach seems to calm our hurting hearts... About how we weren't ready to leave- but were actually excited to have a nice house to go home to…

It was just a rough night... Even now- my heart has me wanting to just sob... The ugly cry- the cry from deep down that you save for the biggest of hurt... 

The beach should have been so different... Life should be so different... Most days I do ok with the fact that it's not... Today wasn't one of those days... 

Maybe tomorrow will be better... 

And if you are reading this- it means we have arrived safely home and are hopefully sound asleep.

My story- Part 3

My story- Part 3…
You can read part 1 here and part 2 here…
This part of my story is the hardest to tell- it makes me smile yet breaks my heart… it took over 2 weeks to write as I wanted it to be just right because it's really not my story… but the story of Tyler Jackson Dietrich.

I've always known I wanted to be a mom.  I love kids and dreamed of one day watching my own children grow up…  Matt and I decided to take our time starting a family… we got married, I was finishing my degree, we got to a relatively comfortable place financially, he was well established in his career and I was headed towards beginning mine… We thought we had all the pieces in place and were ready to add the final one- starting a family.  So, we started trying… At first it was simple- no more "preventing" pregnancy… after no luck we did some research and "stepped up our game"… still no luck so we met with my doctor to begin the process of searching for "the problem"…
As this was happening- the distance in our marriage was beginning… and the lack of success in getting pregnant was weighing heavily on us.
I went for blood work and learned I had an extremely low progesterone level- which could explain a lot of other things about me…. With that information we learned a few more tests would have to happen before we would have pregnancy success- That was the beginning of November; two and a half years into our attempt to get pregnant.  We decided to wait until after Christmas to continue the process…
In the mean time- the strain on our marriage intensifying- I continued to work towards finding a permanent teaching position.  As I shared in Part 2… I planned a trip to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.
While there I noticed things… and we joked that maybe I was pregnant but we knew it wasn't a possibility- I had bloodwork to prove it.  We came home, I prepared for a job interview, had the interview and accepted the job as a long term 4th grade substitute… but lingering in the back of my mind were the jokes of pregnancy from the DR… I took a test and for the first time ever- it was clear as day… I was pregnant!!!
I was ecstatic! For 2.5 years we had tried… and after we thought it wasn't possible- it was!  I told Matt and noticed his reserved excitement… my news had changed his plans… and like I said (in part 2) he is a good man… so we began to plan- how would we tell everyone, what would our future look like- work for me, do we buy a house, will we be able to work things out?
After our first visit to the OB, and our first picture of Baby Dietrich- we shared the news with our closest family and friends.  We kept the circle small, as "it's not safe to share your news until you have made it past the first trimester"…
Everything was great.  Tests came back normal, visits showed I was right on track and healthy, I hadn't gained any weight (I worked hard to make sure I ate healthy and continued to exercise), baby was growing just right.
I started teaching and loved every minute of having my own classroom.
Thursday evening (April 4) I noticed something had changed and it prompted a call to my mom- who called my dad… and then I made a call to the doctor on call… After freaking out to the doctor she told me it sounded like everything was alright as I didn't have any of the indicators that something might be wrong.  Her instructions included take it easy- sitting is best, drink extra water and if I'm really worried make a call to the office in the morning. I did just that- and with Matt's urging I demanded grabbed a mid-afternoon emergency (almost walk-in) appointment.  I left school early- cringing at the thought of leaving my classroom- and assured my principal that Matt and I would return after students had left so that I could prepare my room for PSSA's (you know the standardized tests we subject students to) so that I was ready to go on Monday.  Matt was going to separate desks and cover all posters while I sharpened pencils.
At the doctor's office we waited (you know the whole I demanded to be seen and they thought all was normal)… once we were ushered into our exam room- we explained it all… the midwife thought it was all very normal but agreed to do an internal exam to ease my mind… Her student began the procedure- her eyes got big and she called the midwife over… her eyes got big and she requested to get "the first doctor possible"… The doctor entered- there was whispering and hand gestures… Doctor looks- her eyes get big and sad… She told me to relax and Matt came to my side before she shared that I needed to be transported to the hospital because I was 3cm dilated and baby was pushing through…
Matt drove me the short distance, we went in a "special" entrance- security tried to tell us we were doing it wrong- and I was taken straight to labor & delivery.
The next few hours are a whirlwind.  I met with a doctor from my OB's office… I met with a specialist… and then a second specialist from her practice who was pulled from the office.  Got a sneak peak at Baby D… who was chillin' like a villain just like the doctor's wanted to see…

Excuse me while I step up on my soap box… I have no tolerance for people who complain about having to wait at the doctor to be told everything is just fine… I KNOW I made several doctors run late that day because they dropped everything to try to save my baby.  If the roles were reversed you would want them to make me wait so your precious cargo could get the care needed… to complain about your wait says "my time this morning/afternoon is more important than the wellbeing and life of your baby." Back off my soapbox…

Long and short of the next 24 hours was that we had surprised doctors that I did not go into labor.  After a variety of tests the only option was to put me on strict bed rest until baby arrived.  

They moved me to a room in the "tower" where I would live until baby was ready to join us.  Several friends visited us in the first week.  My mom's family made plans for "the long haul" (Matt and I set a goal of remaining on bed rest until July 4- remember I went in on April 4... That's a lot of time!) and we fell into status quo of doctors and nurses checking in, hearing baby D's heart beat twice a day, and "little" improvements/upgrades (that's a story for another day.). Everyday it was things were holding steady- baby was baking- carry on.  As a precaution Matt and I spoke with specialists to know what to expect if the worst case happened... We were prepared as best we could be... said lots of prayers asking  to make our stay as long as possible... And breathed a sigh of relief when the doctors  started talking about steroids- given at 24 weeks to help baby develop since we were expecting premature birth.  (Even making it to July 4 still meant baby D would be born almost 5 weeks early)that was Friday, April 12.  They would give the first dose Monday as I was showing signs of improvement.  

That evening after watching Big Bang Theory reruns with Matt- I sent him home to Dutchess as I dosed off to sleep.

At 3 am Saturday morning- I called in the nurses, who called in the doctors and then I called in Matt, who called in my parents.  Things were wrong.  I was cramping... Small contractions... But they subsided with extra fluid.  I went back to sleep, Matt took the couch, mom the rocking chair and dad went to work (being a night owl runs in the family).  

In the morning Mom and Matt took turns getting breakfast.  While Matt was having breakfast with my dad, things went downhill- fast.  

My water broke- but not in a gush like I'd been asked about by every nurse and doctor multiple times a day for the previous week... it was a trickle.  The contractions came back.  And eventually it was confirmed I was in labor.  

My room got packed up and I was transported back to labor and delivery.  

I was scared, afraid, exhausted, terrified, sad, unsure, lost, alone- but surrounded by loved ones... Everything was falling apart. 

I began labor knowing my baby would never leave with me- I was 23 weeks 5 days... The steroids didn't happen yet... There was no hope my baby would survive.  

I prepared to meet the child I had prayed for... That I wanted so badly... That I would have to say goodbye to... The child that I LOVED.

I listened to what the doctors told me to expect as things unfolded- What to Expect When You're Expecting had not prepared me for this yet... Actually it hasn't prepared me for any of the past week...

With my parents at my feet (In hindsight- who puts the parents/grandparents there?!?) and Matt by my side... more intense labor started.  

I had chills, I felt like I was on fire, I puked... I was really really sick... Turns out I was fighting a severe infection as I went into labor- one that had a midwife over see the baby and a MD in the room for me.

April 13, 2013 @ 1:17 pm Matt learned it was a boy (I didn't hear that part).
Tyler Jackson Dietrich (TJ).
1lb. 3.9oz.
11.75 inches.
Full head of dark hair.
10 Little fingers and 10 tiny toes.  

He grabbed my thumb, blew bubbles and kicked like a champ.

33 minutes later he breathed his last breaths.  Snuggled in my arms.  Surrounded by LOVE.

I wish I could tell you about those 33 minutes.  But the truth is I can not.  I remember very little- I remember the kicks. The hand on my thumb.  Kissing his soft head.  Telling him how much I love him.  Counting his fingers and toes. And the nurse listening for his last heart beats.  

Matt knows those 33 minutes well- I ask him to tell me about them as often as he can because I can't remember.  I was so sick that I spent most of my sons life too weak to commit my time with him to memory.  Infact I was unconscious for a good bit of that time. I struggle with the fact that I can't remember…
I hope one day Matt will guest post for me so you can have some insight as to how much love surrounded TJ in his short little life.

I can say in all honesty that was the best and worst day of my life thus far.  To welcome my first born into the world, see his precious face... Try to cram a lifetime of LOVE into an unknown short time frame... And then to have to say goodbye...

I wish you to never know the pain of saying goodbye to your child before you ever get to really say hello.  

It sucks.  

I have peace over what happened.  I know there is nothing I could have done differently to have prevented any of it from happening.
I know that my little angel is with Jesus and will greet me one day in heaven- that's something that gives me hope.

TJ's life was short but he will have a lasting effect on how I live my life.  

I give you this small glimpse of my angel baby.  A baby who was blessed enough to know nothing but LOVE.

Photo provided to us by Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.
Please consider making a donation in TJ's memory so that other infant loss parents may have the gift of beautiful photographs with their child too.