I'll never forget the phone call I got from my Aunt several years ago. The tears in her eyes were audible as she said, "lightning strikes twice" and proceeded to tell me unbelievable news that had happened now a second time in her family. I remember thinking how crazy it was for it to have happened the first time and then hearing it happened again, to another member of the family- it was unreal, like lightning striking twice.
Lightning isn't supposed to strike twice. It's supposed to hit once, possible devastate the area of the strike, and never hit there again…
In this house, lightning struck twice.
I had a cute blog post all ready to go to tell you all about how our roller coaster ride was successful and we were excitedly expecting!!! And then- with no warning- I heard the words no mother wants to hear, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat." We joined the 1 in 4 pregnancies that end in loss for the second time. To say I was devastated is an understatement. There are no words...
Lightning isn't supposed to strike twice- yet it didn't stop… relationships have ended. Comments that hurt more than I can ever describe have been "shared" with me. Opportunities have changed because the loss of a baby is seen as a "problem" with a person. Not a problem that needs attention to gain support, but a problem that needs to be isolated.
We were 10 weeks... Because of our "roller coaster ride" We knew for almost 7 weeks that our little monkey was growing- our dream if raising a child was going to be fulfilled. Appointments were scheduled, plans were being made, named picked out... We weren't wasting a minute!
December 16 changed it all in the blink of an eye.
I am now mother to 2 angels. Broken, hurting, alone.
I may or may not have started to sing Love Rollercoaster by the Red Hot Chili Peppers as I typed that… yes I'm old! As I googled to find the video I discovered that Luke Bryan has a "Roller Coaster" as well… yea, I'm old! Anyway…
Life is a roller coaster. You know that- it has it's ups and downs…
I LOVE a good roller coaster!
We try to hit Hershey Park every year. It's close to home and has some great rides so it makes for a fun day trip. If you're familiar with Hershey Park you know they have some classic wooden roller coasters- the Commit, the Wildcat, Lightning Racer- lost of ups and downs… a few sharp turns- very much like life. Even the Super Dooper Looper kinda falls into this category… And then there are the more "extreme" coasters…. think Great Bear, Fahrenheit, Storm Runner and Sky Rush- intense, fast, twists, turns, loops, rolls… barely recovering from one thrill before the next one begins…
That's where I'm at. That's been my life for the past year and a half. I've had a few breaks- you know long enough to reload the car- but it's been constant- I'm not allowed to get off... There's no break... No end in sight...
You know about TJ and a challenging point in our marriage… these things don't just go away overnight. Tyler will forever be in my daily thoughts. Our marriage continues to heal but it still has bumps just like any marriage.
What has been hidden from the picture is what is now our current journey. Unfortunately, this part of our journey is kind of consuming. I'm sure some people look at us and think it is defining us. (I challenge you to find one couple who is walking our path who isn't the same way.) This part of the ride revolves around almost 5 years of trying to get pregnant… and while that is 5 years total of trying… we do not have a house full of children. When you try for that long and desire to have children as strongly as Matt and I do you turn to medical experts. We were ready to head down this road when we found out we were pregnant with TJ- a shock to everyone. Since we had a history that included a long wait- we decided to turn to the experts after 6 months of trying post TJ.
After 2 months of testing we learned that I have some issues. Issues that explain so many other things I've been struggling with…. like losing weight…. Hi- I have a condition that makes it extremely difficult to lose weight, causes you to gain weight by simply looking at food (or so it seems) and the best way to "manage" it is to lose weight. HAHAHA- I'm not laughing. Anyway… Matt got the thumbs up… I have issues… Doctor creates a plan.
This plan involves lots of blood work and ultrasounds… and by lots I mean a good 8-12 a month minimum. The appointments for these "tests" occur at 7am and at that hour it's at least a 75 minute drive- yes a good hour and 15 minutes ONE WAY! The "month" begins and a test clears me to start taking appropriate meds to make my body do what it's supposed to do and doesn't. A few days after the medicine starts I have to go for daily tests to see how my body is responding. Once everything gets its act together it's procedure time… That means that Matt and I both have to coordinate schedules to be there- and unfortunately my body likes to make this as challenging as possible. Matt works for 24 hours at a time- which means if we get the green light- Matt has to find a way to make his work schedule accommodate our procedure- it's not always easy!
Then there's the 2 week wait. 2 weeks of nothing but waiting to find out if this month we've had success.. 2 VERY SLOW weeks… 2 weeks of questioning every little cramp or twinge, questioning if my boobs really hurt- and if it's pregnancy hurt or period hurt… 2 weeks of walking past the home pregnancy tests and fighting every urge to buy them all in hopes of getting an answer a day sooner…. 2 weeks that end with a "Beta test" and the phone call.
The amount of stress involved with this process is indescribable. It alters my ability to take sub jobs… it's a lot of driving… it takes all of the fun out of "trying" and the desire for a child out weighs the challenges of this process.
Ask anyone who has undergone fertility treatment with a specialist- it's so much more than taking a pill to fix the problem… I never had a clue how involved the process was until we entered it. And each month is a roller coaster in and of itself… a roller coaster within the roller coaster of life… it's intense…
And it effects every aspect of life. Chances are you know someone who is going through fertility treatments… maybe they've been a little bit more on edge the past few months… rather then get annoyed- offer them some words of encouragement or a listening ear- I bet you will see a moment of relief on their face.
About a year and a half ago I joined this not so awesome "club". A club of parents- especially women- who have become experts in ending conversations.
We aren't rude. We haven't mastered the "sorry I need to take this- it's an emergency" line. In all reality we HATE that we have this skill and are a part of this group.
The club is called: Bereaved Parents
We end conversations by doing what other parents do ALL THE TIME. We talk about our children. The only difference is the child I talk about is an Angel, and that's not the name of his sports team.
Generally the conversation goes something like this.
Hey there long lost friend/acquaintance. I haven't seen you in (blank) years. What are you up to these days? They respond with reminiscing something general about life the last time we spent any time together and then talk all about their job, spouse, house, kids…. and then ask a me to deliver the same info.
So I do. It starts off happy and fun. I'm married to Matt. We just bought a house and it has an amazing back yard for our Lab and Goldendoodle (yea you need to meet this guy). I took the extended path through college but finally graduated just in time for school budgets to tank- so I'm a substitute teacher patiently awaiting my dream teaching job.
And then they ask- do you have any kids? Cause anyone who knows me knows I have always wanted a kids. And I answer-ALWAYS with a smile. Sometimes it's just a short: We lost our little guy last April. Other times I give a bit more detail. Sometimes I'm stronger than others- sometimes I shed a slight tear- but there is always a smile. Because nothing brings joy like being about to talk about your Angel Baby.
That's where it ends… very abruptly if its a conversation over text/facebook/email. If its a conversation happening in person you get "the look" followed by I'm so sorry and no matter how hard I try to revive the conversation with questions about their kids or life the conversation just fads until its quickly over.
I've tried to change the way the conversation goes. "No kids for Matt and I yet." And every time I say something along those lines- it kills me. Because it's a Lie. We have a child. I held my living, breathing, kicking, bubble blowing baby boy in my arms. I have his birth certificate. I just also have his death certificate. I miss him every moment of every day. I want to talk about him- to say his name. And when I deny that he is a part of us its painful.
I have mastered a response for the kids when I sub. They often ask about my life. "Mr. D is a firefighter. We have an Angel baby and 2 fur kids. Clara is a yellow lab and Tonka is a puppy." They get so excited about Clara and Tonka that the angel baby comment gets lost- but I can live with myself because I know I acknowledged my child. This response doesn't work on adults. They catch angel baby and they ask, which leads to the same outcome… conversation over.
This past weekend I had the opportunity to participate in a celebration for 50 years of Field Hockey at my alma mater. When I first learned about it- I was super excited for a chance to pick up a hockey stick, grab a new hoodie, and relive some of the great memories of high school. But the day rolled around and I decided not to go. Mainly because I didn't want to end conversations before they started and I wasn't interested in regretting having failed to mentioned that indeed I do have a child. So I sat at home, played with the dogs, and hit up Netflix to binge on New Girl (so I'm fresh when they release the next season in a few days).
It sucks. It sucks to not be able to talk about my baby- just briefly- without the conversation ending. It hurts to know that rather than deal with a moment of sadness and then move on, people would rather end the conversation and walk away. This bereaved parents club is the worst! Yet there is no way to no longer be a member.
Sorry if you were hoping to learn a stealth way to terminate that extremely awkward conversation with the creepy guy who you always see at the grocery store… the best advice I have for that is to shop at a different store.
I got not 1 but 3 nominations for the latest "craze"… the ALS ice bucket challenge- done to raise funds for ALS. Incase you have been living under a rock this is how it works… You get nominated by someone to either dump a bucket of ice water over your head or donate $100 to the ALS foundation and you have 24 hours to make that happen. It's done great things for creating awareness of ALS, a life changing disease that affects roughly 1 in 50,000 people. It's awesome to see how this has taken off… and it got me thinking…
1 in 4 pregnancies result in loss; miscarriage, still birth, infant loss (like we experienced with TJ). 1 in 4 that's 25%of pregnancies. Before Tyler, I knew that the first 12 weeks of pregnancy were "in the danger zone". Now I know that while the first 12 weeks carry the greatest chance for a miscarriage there is still a chance for something to "to wrong". What BLOWS MY MIND is that NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT! I read What to Expect When Your Expecting and it doesn't talk about all the OTHER things that can happen after the first trimester. Society as a whole is silent about pregnancy and infant loss- yet it affects so many. HOW? WHY? Yes it's a horribly sad topic. But why are we not talking about it? Why do grieving mothers get "the look" at the mere mention of a lost baby? Why is it a taboo topic? Why does Facebook feel that pictures of pre-term babies are unacceptable and are removed yet there is no issue with nearly nude photos, extremely suggestive photos, or any variety of other offensive pictures? I could spend all day asking questions…
I want to help break the silence! Lifetime started by airing a movie about stillbirth called Return to Zero. There are many organizations that support pregnancy and infant loss, yet no one seems to know about them. Have you heard of: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep They provide professional photographs of babies who have passed while in the hospital- free of charge. I treasure my pictures of TJ more than words can describe! Sweet Pea Project The offer comfort, support, and guidance to grieving parents AND send blankets to hospitals so that grieving parents can have something that "belongs to baby"
or Held Your Whole Life? This organization provides hand stamped personalized necklaces (for mom) and key chains (for dad). Having something with your child's name can be helpful in feeling like they are not forgotten.
Again- I could list these for days… different organizations that raise funds to prevent any number of pregnancy complications that can occur...
March of Dimes is probably the best known organization that speaks to pregnancy and infant loss but that's because they fund research and have developed procedures that save babies- they aren't as known for the support they offer to grieving parents.
Those are just a few of the MANY "unknown" organizations that exist to support the 1 in 4 who know the heartache of this type of loss.
Here's how we are going to break the silence… instead of dumping a bucket of ice on my head- I'm heading to the local blood bank to make a donation (as soon as I am eligible to donate again). A bucket of cold water doesn't do anything to help someone else… a needle and a half hour of your time can save up to 3 lives!
I challenge you to break the silence of the 1 in 4! Make a blood donation or donate to one of the organizations above. (Be a superstar and donate to all 4!)
Know someone who has lost a baby- Ask her how she is really doing. Speak baby's name. Give her a hug and let her know you haven't forgotten.
I promise you it will make the day of a mother of an angel baby!
This is only a month and a half late… What you are about to read was typed in the car… I delayed posting as we recovered from the ride and celebrated the 4th…and then delayed some more just for good measure… So here you have it… Thoughts from our OBX vacation that ended early thanks to Hurricane Arthur. It's 1:30 am Wednesday night/Thursday morning... I'm sitting in the passenger seat of a very loaded down Jeep... In tears as my week long vacation is ending 3 days early...
Hatteras Island faces a mandatory evacuation 5am Thursday... Ummm- I LOVE OBX but I have a strong dislike for lots of traffic AND for being forced to take the long way... Matt's dislike for those things is even more intense than mine... And so we packed and left...
And like any 31 year old- I cried...
This was an AWESOME vacation... Some very much needed reconnection time with the man I love... The calm before we begin our fertility treatment journey...
The OBX has always been our place- it was our first real vacation together and a place we have visited every year... Where we went on our honeymoon, and where we went after we lost TJ... It's just been out retreat from life- we love the slow pace, lack of "busy" things to do, and daily trips to the beach or sound... Not to mention its DOG FRIENDLY- Dutchess used to vacation with us!
This year was Clara's first trip... This year should have been TJ's first trip…
I was so busy enjoying the trip that my photos are limited… but here are a few...
We had fun taking Clara to bounce at the ocean!
We listened to Sundays message from LCBC while sitting on the beach (2 votes from the Dietrich's for a LCBC-OBX campus!)
We made a sand castle for TJ.
We rode wave runners! (Checked one off the bucket list!)
We spent hours floating over waves and sitting under the umbrella... Just relaxing- loving life!
We hit up our "must" stops- Howard's Pub & the Slushie Stand on Ocracoke (yay ferry ride), Top Dog, Village Conery (Clara walked there with us and had her first soft serve ice cream experience), and our last meal was crabs from Austin's South Island Seafood. It was good eating!
We broke in our new kicks.
OBX 2014 was all lined up to be an amazing vacation.
Until it was time to leave... Suddenly my heart felt heavy- like I was leaving without a goodbye- only what adult needs to say goodbye to the beach?!?
Then I remembered I had wanted to write in the sand...
All week my heart had been full, peaceful as I soaked up the beauty of God's creation. And then as I faced leaving it I felt a separation coming...
I recognized that heavy heart- it had been hiding for a while... Always there but kindly keeping to its self UNTIL NOW- 7pm as we pack to evacuate and end our vacay. Hello the heart if a grieving mother... There is not a moment that I don't miss my sweet angel, but this was intense!
I woke Matt from his nap, leashed up Clara and headed to the beach... This needed to happen
But first we found TJs sandcastle, in decent shape considering we had built it 10 hours prior.
It was perfect to see- but started the waterworks. We sat in the sand and talked about missing our boy... About how the beach seems to calm our hurting hearts... About how we weren't ready to leave- but were actually excited to have a nice house to go home to…
It was just a rough night... Even now- my heart has me wanting to just sob... The ugly cry- the cry from deep down that you save for the biggest of hurt...
The beach should have been so different... Life should be so different... Most days I do ok with the fact that it's not... Today wasn't one of those days...
Maybe tomorrow will be better...
And if you are reading this- it means we have arrived safely home and are hopefully sound asleep.
It's been a while… I have a few posts that have been sitting in cue (including one from the beach- YIKES!) that I should really just edit and post… but tonight I offer you some insight into the randomness filling my brain on this rainy evening.
As has become the norm for my life- today was anything but what I expected it to be… I was supposed to wake up, handle some necessary bill paying, wash wallpaper glue off some walls, do some laundry, play with Clara, go to dinner with friends and take care of some chores around the house.
Necessary bill paying required a trip to my parents to use their fax machine (YAY property taxes!)… while I was there my mom asked me to go with her to visit my Aunt. My Aunt has spent the better part of the last 2 weeks at my Uncle's side as he battles cancer in the hospital. I quickly decided that wallpaper glue could just spend another day or two as the decor of my powder room and jumped in the car for a visit…
I'm no stranger to cancer and the effects it has on people… I saw is slowly take life from my Pap and I watched my Mom Kick Cancer's butt!!! I know it's not kind- and I know the helpless feeling as you just sit there and watch and wait and realize all you can do is Pray.
I thought we were going to offer a some hugs and a few minutes of friendly faces for my Aunt.
This was a good afternoon- vitals were favorable (YAY no fever!) and we got a short visit with my Uncle. At first I was struck with how he looked like Pap, even though my Uncle married into the family. His hair color had changed after chemo treatment, and he had traded in his standard golf polo for a pair of flannel PJ's. My Uncle had always been a pillar of strength in the family- to see him in such a frail state was a challenge, even though I thought I was prepared.
It didn't take long for some of his old spirit to appear! We walked a few laps with him around the floor. Lap 1 was met with cheers from the nurses- that brought smiles as we walked. Lap 2 he was still feeling good…
Lap 3 brought a flashback of childhood memories.
Side note: My Aunt and Uncle always hosted family Easter gatherings. This always includes an Easter egg hunt. You can't have an easter egg hunt with my family without properly warming up. Warm up exercises are always led by my Uncle. It's normally quite the sight and a tradition I missed this year!
As we rounded the corner to start lap 3 my Uncle announced, "This is a nice straight away. Stretch the legs. Nice deep breaths. This feels good!" I giggled. I pictured a room filled with kiddos taking lunging steps with him, preparing to find All the Eggs.
Lap 4 was a battle of wills- he wanted to keep going… my Aunt thought 4 was enough for now and Mom agreed. So we returned to the room.
I spent a few minutes talking with him. He asked how I was liking LCBC. We talked about my involvement with Jcrew and camp. He smiled. Then he asked about Matt. The smile on his face grew as I shared that Matt was also involved and loving LCBC. He was happy to hear that we had found a church where we could be involved and grow. Yay for being able to provide a bit of non-medical brightness to a rather dreary day.
We said our goodbyes and headed for home.
The chores never happened… the glue is still on the wall… I did do a load of laundry and spent some time playing with Clara… and I paid a few bills… dinner with friends was traded for a stop in to see the hubby at work and refuel him with some iced coffee…
For a not very productive day, I was beat, but it was so worth it!
And now I need to get some rest because this chic is taking a van full of kids to "The Sweetest Place on Earth" tomorrow!
It's been almost 2 months… yikes!… since I've posted… with some good reason…
There has been some kinda MAJOR events happening in my little world…
I would like to introduce you to:
My new house!
2 months ago I had NO CLUE this was happening…It kind of all happened in a crazy whirlwind of events…
This house popped up in an "I'm dreaming" Zillow search several 8 months ago and was priced WAY out of our price range. I added it to my watch list anyway and went about life. The price dropped once- and it was still way too high, dropped twice- getting closer… and finally 6 months later it dropped enough that we could start to dream…
We called our WONDERFUL Realtor, Kristen (Who has endured our "on again, off again" house hunt for the past 3 years) and scheduled a showing. We were IN LOVE! This place had EVERYTHING on our "must have" list AND all but one item on our "really would like" list...
We put in an offer, it was accepted and away we went…
Packing, finishing teaching, cleaning the new place, moving, cleaning the old place, and Matt continuing to work hard have all taken place in the past few weeks… and we now officially reside in OUR home!
At this moment the house is filled with boxes- I guess I should get on that- but we LOVE it!
Give me a few more days to get settled and I'll show you around.
Until then- Enjoy the first days of Summer!!!
