Not so first day of school

After almost 3 years of hibernating, I’m back and there is MUCH to catch up on- another day... for now this angel mama is just sharing her heart in the moment.
Today I headed into school for my “not so first” day of school.  13 years of grade school, 5.5 years of college, and 3 years as the teacher leave me no stranger to ALL the nerves of the first day of school.
Only this year is incredibly different... this should have been my year to be THAT parent.  You know- proudly posting all the photos of your perfectly dressed kindergarten student ready to begin a bold new adventure.  But I’m not. And no one accurately prepared me for the FLOOD OF EMOTIONS that would arrive as this day approached.
I was so caught off guard- it just kind of snuck up that the day is here.  And I had nothing!
In the past, I’ve done things to set myself up for success on days that I know might be hard.  We did a trip to Hershey Park on TJ’s due date...  A trip to the zoo, balloons, or cake on an angelversary... Gifts from our angel that first Christmas and an ornament on the tree each year... I try to have something to put some happy when I know my heart will especially be hurting.
And. I. Failed. To put some happy in place for the first day of school.
Last night I went to bed in tears.  My baby should be “all grown up”, there will be no pictures- just like all the other missing pictures from these past 5 years- and to top it off I did nothing to prepare.
Life has been busy- TJ’s very busy sister has kept me on my toes.  I am setting up a classroom for the short-term subbing job I’m currently working. Matt is working extra hard to support our family since I have become a stay at home mom (minus that 3 week position)...
In those tears- crying to God to comfort my hurting heart- I started searching, praying for SOMETHING... cue the frantic search- googling for verses, randomly clicking in the Bible app and praying for a verse to speak to me... nothing was fitting what my heart needed but I got myself under control and resorted to setting the alarm and attempting sleep.
Just when I gave up- God stepped in.  I remembered an email for an early morning prayer meeting and also an article I had shared on Facebook a few days prior... with a plan, I drifted off to sleep as I prayed for strength to make it through the day.
The alarm clock rudely woke me a little earlier than normal so I could head to the meeting.  The toddler was full of extra snuggles as we loaded into the car and set out for our day. A quick stop at the babysitter, and then I headed to school.  Looking for a pick me up, I switched to the local Christian Radio station and heard words that have soothed my heart time and time again:

I squeezed into a circle of teachers who had gathered to pray for the school year- the students, the staff, the parents.  Before we headed back to our classrooms to kick the new year, I shared that article with the group.  1 Corinthians 13 for teachers  A new twist on some of my favorite verses and a refreshing reminder minutes before the bell rang.
Then they arrived- and the day got busy.  For a brief moment I shared my heavy heart with a friend- shed a few tears and appreciated the hug she offered as we rushed to the next task.
And God showed up!  In a room of 400ish 7th graders, I saw faces of students from a long term sub job years ago, and then there was L.  L is the son of a teacher friend.  (We taught across the hall from each other and kept each other sane when elementary school had it's moments.)  I took a seat next to him and snapped a selfie to share with his mom.  Not quite the 1st day of Kindergarten picture I was missing, but a moment captured with a genuine smile.

The day was busy.  I didn't have time to think about what was missing.  Until 5th period.  We had some extra time and played a getting to know you game.  When asked how many siblings you have, one student expressed confusing because he had a brother who had died.  Immediately those around him came to the consensus that this student needed to count his brother because "he still lives in your heart"- words of a 7th grade boy.  Even in all the 7th grade awkwardness- wow.  A few questions later, I had a the opportunity to speak privately with the student and express my condolences for the loss of his brother.  And again God showed up.  This student shared that he never knew his brother because he died when he was born, and he shrugged.  I reinforced what the classmate had said earlier, that he's still a brother and I was sorry for his loss.  This student continued to share with me that this brother was named Tyler.

Hold. The. Phone.  Yeah.  And just like that, the heartache was replaced with some warm fuzzy...

Thank you God for that sweet moment.

The rest of the day was just busy.  Nothing remarkable just a busy first day of school.

God knew I what I needed even when I hadn't prepared for it.  Friendly faces, busy doing what I love, and just enough reminders that my angel was all ready for his first day of school!

Elvis & sinking deep

So it's been forever.  Hello life! 

(Before we even begin- this post was written in October of 2015...)
Truth is my absence hasn't been completely due to things being busy... I've thought about blogging... written a few posts... and then after taking my normal "write a post, sleep on it, publish it later" process I realize it's just not how I want it to be- I couldn't find the right words.
And then I listened to Elvis Duran on the way to school the other morning. Normally his topics during my commute make me giggle, but on this day I wanted to throw my shoe at him!  The topic was about needing to push "negative" people out of your life.  At first I totally agreed- let the people go who make no attempt to be in your life.  (You know, the friend who found a new friend and now has no time for you unless they need you to do something that benefits only them...) They started taking calls and I don't remember what triggered it- but I realized how VERY WRONG pushing all negative people out of your life is.
Begin self reflection... I've been that negative person for the larger part of the past two and a half years... it's not on purpose, I'm not happy about it, I want to change that, I try to change it.  I've had moments of brightness... I've been through more in 2.5 years than most people could handle in a lifetime.  I'm a stronger person now... but the bubbly Bekah had her bubble burst.
I'm the friend who needs you to call me. Needs you to make the plans.  Needs you to go above and beyond to let me know I'm loved.  I'm also the person who takes everything incredibly personally.  And in my current state- anything that I love that is taken from me is a huge loss.  I'm the needy friend right now.  I'm also the friend who will drop everything when you get heartwrenching news and do whatever I can to help you.
According to Elvis- I should be pushed out of your life so that you are only surrounded by happy, wonderful friends.
I've stopped counting the number of people who have done just that.  I've been greatly hurt by people telling me "You just are too sad" and they've dropped me like a bad habit.  (Let's get something straight right now- losing a baby is THE WORST thing a person can experience. Losing 2 babies means that person needs incredible love and grace- they are fragile, especially in the weeks after the loss)
That loss of friends and family lead to me sinking deep.  I was grieving.  I needed friends, love, grace that in my grief I might not always get it right.
Some days I am flat out negative.  My hope is dwindling.  My innocence is lost. I live with a constant fear that the only children that I will have are the babies I could not keep safe in my womb.  I failed at my first responsibility as a mother.
 I'm a failure.  I may never have a rainbow baby.  I wasn't valued enough to have the truth heard to stay a youth leader to girls I had greatly invested in. (and who brought me great joy.)
Sinking Deep.  Elvis said push me to the side.  I say look at those friendships and really evaluate them.  A friend who is purely using you- sure, time to move on.  A friend who is sinking deep, especially due to loss, extend some love and a lot of grace.  Be the one to ALWAYS makes the call, sends the text, makes the plans.  (A majority of the time I don't know how to do this anymore.)  I gaurentee you the difference you are making in that friend's life is more meaningful than you will ever know.  You won't see it.  You might not even hear it.  But they won't forget it.
You may be the light, love, grace they need to face the next day.  Maybe they politely decline due to a schedule conflict, or only talk for a few minutes... don't give up.  Keep trying.  Be their light.  Cause I promise you- some days the darkness is consuming.   Not every day.  There are bright days.  You can make them brighter.  You can make them more frequent.
Do the opposite of what Elvis suggests... Embrace the ones who are grieving- days, weeks, months, years later... because it never goes away.

On a lighter note...I couldn't find any matching socks this morning... took the dogs out and found 3 of my socks... in Clara's mouth.

The more you know...

Here we sit... again trudging thru the darkness that consumes after the loss of a baby.  Traveling this path once is horrible, twice is nothing shy of pure hell.  With each loss, life changes.  Friends disappear, true colors are shown, and in the end you come out a very different person.  Yet as different as you are- you crave to be the same.  You need to be the same.
I'm guessing that most of you reading this aren't "part of the club" meaning you haven't lost a baby.  Oh how I envy you...
Just as you can't imagine how it is to know loss... I can't imagine how it is to try and walk beside someone who knows loss, and not have a clue.
Let me share what I've learned- both from my experience as an angel mother and as a friend who has walked beside others who have lost.

1) Be there.  It's just that simple.  No need for constant words.  Just be there.  With a tissue, with a hug, with a listening ear, with yourself.  Nothing says more to someone who feels completely alone than to have someone being there.

2) Don't lie.  If an angel mom asks you a point blank question- a lie is ALWAYS the wrong answer.  The truth will be found out and will hurt a million times more.  Lying to us says you don't value us, that we don't matter. This is especially true of "announcements."  The announcement will most likely send us into tears... but lying about it damages the joy we will feel.

3) Be sensitive.  If you are inviting us to a baby/pregnancy event let us know.  Sending a baby shower invite?  A phone call ahead of time will soften the blow at the mailbox. Announcing? As impersonal as it may seem- a perfectly timed text/email helps.  Catch us at home, not alone.  This allows us to shed the tears we so desperately need to, yet respond with the happiness we want to show you.

4) Please don't tell us we are too sad.  We know it.  We hate it.  And we could never wish anyone to have to experience this sadness.  Instead of telling us we are sad- Be There.

5) Follow Through.  I can't tell you the number of people who said "we should get together"  or "lets do dinner sometime."  Yet 4 months later- nothing.  It may not seem like it, but we really like the thought of human interaction.  Is it possible that it's not going to be the most exciting night of your week?  Most definitely.  Are you going to help make angel parents feel loved, valued, and semi-normal.  ABSOLUTELY.  An hour or 2 of "sacrifice" to spend with us can help prevent #4.  Just the same, we notice the people who offer and then never show and that sends a very clear message that we don't matter.

6) Don't take "No" for an answer.  I used this phrase when organizing meals for a friend going through a rough spot.  Never did I expect it to be "used against me"  but it was.  A meal was offered to us, I politely declined (because that's what you try to do) and my friend quoted me word for word.  She showed up with a simple meal... a meal that said, "we love you, we care about you, we are sorry we can't fix this."  It was a dinner (and lunch the next day) that I didn't have to think about or even prepare.  And a portion of the meal was something new for us.  Now every time we have it, I think of this friend and her caring.

7) Give us grace.  We will cry.  We might say something that seems odd or offends you- kindly let us know.  Chances are we didn't mean to.  We live in a different world- a world that society has silenced and we are trying to break the silence in hopes that no one else ever loses a baby.

8) Don't take away things that bring us joy.  The greatest disservice you can do to someone in the darkness of loss is to add more loss. In the darkness of infant loss anything that disappears after that loss is also a loss. And it just sends us farther into the darkness.  Friends fading away= loss.  Replaced on the team= loss.  Asked to take time away from a passion= loss.  As a wise friend once told me, "it's just like shoveling more sh!t onto the pile."

9) Small gifts/tokens and donations.  These are HUGE! There are many amazing organizations out there specifically making mementos for angel parents- sunset pictures, name boards, necklaces, dog tags, charms, statues, bears... the list is rather incredible. All things designed to bring comfort to a grieving parent.  Something that remembers their baby soothes the soul and speaks so loudly.  Visit with something small.  Send a card with a note that you donated to a baby loss charity.  Simple actions that say so much!

10) Speak baby's name.  Nothing makes my heart smile bigger than hearing someone else talk about TJ or our miscarried monkey.  We know it's not comfortable for you, but we love to hear it.  If you can't say it- find a way to allow us to bring it up in conversation.

11) Value our feelings.  If we reach out to you and tell you something we are feeling, acknowledge it. We aren't asking you to agree with it, but we are trusting you to value what we have to say.  I shared my heart the other day, something that was just really hard to hear and I reached out to 2 friends to express the challenge it was. One friend responded with "Hugs" and the other told me, "that's just how life is."  The first response said to me, "I'm here, I care, I don't necessarily understand/agree, but I know you hurt and I love you."  The other said, "Who cares that you hurt, get over it already."  I know that's not how my friend intended for it to be- but that's how my hurting heart took it.

12) Don't assume you know how we feel.  This has been one of the biggest struggles for me.  My experience with baby loss is unlike anyone else's.  I can relate to how most angel parents feel, but I will never know 100%.  This goes hand in hand with #11.  Value our feelings, we value yours!

13) Greet us with: "it's good to see you!" Instead of "how are you?"  The first is warm and safe- it's welcoming.  The later is a loaded question!  Do you really want to know?  Do I really want to share?  I'm trying to make this transition completely... To greet someone I'm happy to see and save that loaded question for when I truly am inquiring.  

14) Look beyond the tears.  Angel parent's emotions betray us... I get tears over everything!  Tears when I'm sad and hurting, tears when I'm healing, tears when my soul is being soothed, and tears with a happy heart.  Follow our lead not our tears.  And when in doubt, give a hug, a tissue, and a kind, loving word.  

Pregnancy and infant loss is an indescribable experience- we are learning just as you are. It's something that will NEVER go away!   Walking with us through our journey is the best thing you can do to ease the pain, lessen the burden, show us you care.  Love us- period!

If you know someone who has had a loss- maybe yesterday, maybe a year ago, 5 years, 10... Maybe it happens tomorrow... Remember these things, apply them and know- you are making a difference that will forever be appreciated!

When Lightning Strikes Twice

I'll never forget the phone call I got from my Aunt several years ago.  The tears in her eyes were audible as she said, "lightning strikes twice" and proceeded to tell me unbelievable news that had happened now a second time in her family.  I remember thinking how crazy it was for it to have happened the first time and then hearing it happened again, to another member of the family- it was unreal, like lightning striking twice.

Lightning isn't supposed to strike twice.  It's supposed to hit once, possible devastate the area of the strike, and never hit there again…

In this house, lightning struck twice.

I had a cute blog post all ready to go to tell you all about how our roller coaster ride was successful and we were excitedly expecting!!! And then- with no warning- I heard the words no mother wants to hear, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat."  We joined the 1 in 4 pregnancies that end in loss for the second time. To say I was devastated is an understatement.  There are no words...
Lightning isn't supposed to strike twice- yet it didn't stop…  relationships have ended.  Comments that hurt more than I can ever describe have been "shared" with me.  Opportunities have changed because the loss of a baby is seen as a "problem" with a person.  Not a problem that needs attention to gain support, but a problem that needs to be isolated.

We were 10 weeks... Because of our "roller coaster ride" We knew for almost 7 weeks that our little monkey was growing- our dream if raising a child was going to be fulfilled.  Appointments were scheduled, plans were being made, named picked out... We weren't wasting a minute!  

December 16 changed it all in the blink of an eye.  

I am now mother to 2 angels. Broken, hurting, alone.

Roller-coaster

I may or may not have started to sing Love Rollercoaster by the Red Hot Chili Peppers as I typed that… yes I'm old!   As I googled to find the video I discovered that Luke Bryan has a "Roller Coaster" as well… yea, I'm old! Anyway…
Life is a roller coaster.  You know that- it has it's ups and downs…
I LOVE a good roller coaster!
We try to hit Hershey Park every year.  It's close to home and has some great rides so it makes for a fun day trip.  If you're familiar with Hershey Park you know they have some classic wooden roller coasters- the Commit, the Wildcat, Lightning Racer- lost of ups and downs… a few sharp turns- very much like life.  Even the Super Dooper Looper kinda falls into this category…  And then there are the more "extreme" coasters…. think Great Bear, Fahrenheit, Storm Runner and Sky Rush- intense, fast, twists, turns, loops, rolls… barely recovering from one thrill before the next one begins…
That's where I'm at.  That's been my life for the past year and a half.  I've had a few breaks- you know long enough to reload the car- but it's been constant- I'm not allowed to get off... There's no break... No end in sight...
You know about TJ and a challenging point in our marriage… these things don't just go away overnight.  Tyler will forever be in my daily thoughts.  Our marriage continues to heal but it still has bumps just like any marriage.
What has been hidden from the picture is what is now our current journey.  Unfortunately, this part of our journey is kind of consuming.  I'm sure some people look at us and think it is defining us.  (I challenge you to find one couple who is walking our path who isn't the same way.)  This part of the ride revolves around almost 5 years of trying to get pregnant… and while that is 5 years total of trying… we do not have a house full of children.  When you try for that long and desire to have children as strongly as Matt and I do you turn to medical experts.  We were ready to head down this road when we found out we were pregnant with TJ- a shock to everyone.  Since we had a history that included a long wait- we decided to turn to the experts after 6 months of trying post TJ.
After 2 months of testing we learned that I have some issues.  Issues that explain so many other things I've been struggling with…. like losing weight…. Hi- I have a condition that makes it extremely difficult to lose weight, causes you to gain weight by simply looking at food (or so it seems) and the best way to "manage" it is to lose weight.  HAHAHA- I'm not laughing.  Anyway… Matt got the thumbs up… I have issues… Doctor creates a plan.
This plan involves lots of blood work and ultrasounds… and by lots I mean a good 8-12 a month minimum.  The appointments for these "tests" occur at 7am and at that hour it's at least a 75 minute drive- yes a good hour and 15 minutes ONE WAY!  The "month" begins and a test clears me to start taking appropriate meds to make my body do what it's supposed to do and doesn't.  A few days after the medicine starts I have to go for daily tests to see how my body is responding.  Once everything gets its act together it's procedure time… That means that Matt and I both have to coordinate schedules to be there- and unfortunately my body likes to make this as challenging as possible.  Matt works for 24 hours at a time- which means if we get the green light- Matt has to find a way to make his work schedule accommodate our procedure- it's not always easy!
Then there's the 2 week wait.  2 weeks of nothing but waiting to find out if this month we've had success.. 2 VERY SLOW weeks… 2 weeks of questioning every little cramp or twinge, questioning if my boobs really hurt- and if it's pregnancy hurt or period hurt… 2 weeks of walking past the home pregnancy tests and fighting every urge to buy them all in hopes of getting an answer a day sooner…. 2 weeks that end with a "Beta test" and the phone call.
The amount of stress involved with this process is indescribable.  It alters my ability to take sub jobs… it's a lot of driving… it takes all of the fun out of "trying"  and the desire for a child out weighs the challenges of this process.
Ask anyone who has undergone fertility treatment with a specialist- it's so much more than taking a pill to fix the problem… I never had a clue how involved the process was until we entered it.  And each month is a roller coaster in and of itself… a roller coaster within the roller coaster of life… it's intense…
And it effects every aspect of life.  Chances are you know someone who is going through fertility treatments… maybe they've been a little bit more on edge the past few months… rather then get annoyed- offer them some words of encouragement or a listening ear- I bet you will see a moment of relief on their face.

How to end a conversation...

About a year and a half ago I joined this not so awesome "club".  A club of parents- especially women- who have become experts in ending conversations.
We aren't rude.  We haven't mastered the "sorry I need to take this- it's an emergency" line.  In all reality we HATE that we have this skill and are a part of this group.  
The club is called: Bereaved Parents
We end conversations by doing what other parents do ALL THE TIME.  We talk about our children.  The only difference is the child I talk about is an Angel, and that's not the name of his sports team.
Generally the conversation goes something like this.
Hey there long lost friend/acquaintance.  I haven't seen you in (blank) years.  What are you up to these days?  They respond with reminiscing something general about life the last time we spent any time together and then talk all about their job, spouse, house, kids…. and then ask a me to deliver the same info.
So I do.  It starts off happy and fun.  I'm married to Matt.  We just bought a house and it has an amazing back yard for our Lab and Goldendoodle (yea you need to meet this guy).  I took the extended path through college but finally graduated just in time for school budgets to tank- so I'm a substitute teacher patiently awaiting my dream teaching job.
And then they ask- do you have any kids?  Cause anyone who knows me knows I have always wanted a kids.  And I answer-ALWAYS with a smile.  Sometimes it's just a short: We lost our little guy last April.  Other times I give a bit more detail.  Sometimes I'm stronger than others- sometimes I shed a slight tear- but there is always a smile.  Because nothing brings joy like being about to talk about your Angel Baby.
That's where it ends… very abruptly if its a conversation over text/facebook/email.  If its a conversation happening in person you get "the look" followed by I'm so sorry and no matter how hard I try to revive the conversation with questions about their kids or life the conversation just fads until its quickly over.

I've tried to change the way the conversation goes.  "No kids for Matt and I yet."  And every time I say something along those lines- it kills me.  Because it's a Lie.  We have a child.  I held my living, breathing, kicking, bubble blowing baby boy in my arms.  I have his birth certificate.  I just also have his death certificate.  I miss him every moment of every day.  I want to talk about him- to say his name.  And when I deny that he is a part of us its painful.
I have mastered a response for the kids when I sub.  They often ask about my life.  "Mr. D is a firefighter.  We have an Angel baby and 2 fur kids.  Clara is a yellow lab and Tonka is a puppy."  They get so excited about Clara and Tonka that the angel baby comment gets lost- but I can live with myself because I know I acknowledged my child.  This response doesn't work on adults.  They catch angel baby and they ask, which leads to the same outcome… conversation over.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to participate in a celebration for 50 years of Field Hockey at my alma mater.  When I first learned about it- I was super excited for a chance to pick up a hockey stick, grab a new hoodie, and relive some of the great memories of high school.  But the day rolled around and I decided not to go.  Mainly because I didn't want to end conversations before they started and I wasn't interested in regretting having failed to mentioned that indeed I do have a child.  So I sat at home, played with the dogs, and hit up Netflix to binge on New Girl  (so I'm fresh when they release the next season in a few days).

It sucks.  It sucks to not be able to talk about my baby- just briefly- without the conversation ending.  It hurts to know that rather than deal with a moment of sadness and then move on, people would rather end the conversation and walk away.  This bereaved parents club is the worst!  Yet there is no way to no longer be a member.

Sorry if you were hoping to learn a stealth way to terminate that extremely awkward conversation with the creepy guy who you always see at the grocery store… the best advice I have for that is to shop at a different store.  

my ice bucket challenge

I got not 1 but 3 nominations for the latest "craze"… the ALS ice bucket challenge- done to raise funds for ALS.  Incase you have been living under a rock this is how it works… You get nominated by someone to either dump a bucket of ice water over your head or donate $100 to the ALS foundation and you have 24 hours to make that happen.  It's done great things for creating awareness of ALS, a life changing disease that affects roughly 1 in 50,000 people.  It's awesome to see how this has taken off… and it got me thinking…

1 in 4 pregnancies result in loss; miscarriage, still birth, infant loss (like we experienced with TJ).  1 in 4  that's 25% of pregnancies.  Before Tyler, I knew that the first 12 weeks of pregnancy were "in the danger zone".  Now I know that while the first 12 weeks carry the greatest chance for a miscarriage there is still a chance for something to "to wrong".  What BLOWS MY MIND is that NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT!  I read What to Expect When Your Expecting and it doesn't talk about all the OTHER things that can happen after the first trimester.  Society as a whole is silent about pregnancy and infant loss- yet it affects so many.  HOW?  WHY?  Yes it's a horribly sad topic.  But why are we not talking about it?  Why do grieving mothers get "the look" at the mere mention of a lost baby?  Why is it a taboo topic?  Why does Facebook feel that pictures of pre-term babies are unacceptable and are removed yet there is no issue with nearly nude photos, extremely suggestive photos, or any variety of other offensive pictures?  I could spend all day asking questions…

I want to help break the silence!  Lifetime started by airing a movie about stillbirth called Return to Zero.  There are many organizations that support pregnancy and infant loss, yet no one seems to know about them.  Have you heard of:
 Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep  They provide professional photographs of babies who have passed while in the hospital- free of charge. I treasure my pictures of TJ more than words can describe!
Sweet Pea Project  The offer comfort, support, and guidance to grieving parents AND send blankets to hospitals so that grieving parents can have something that "belongs to baby"
 or  Held Your Whole Life?  This organization provides hand stamped personalized necklaces (for mom) and key chains (for dad).  Having something with your child's name can be helpful in feeling like they are not forgotten.
Again- I could list these for days… different organizations that raise funds to prevent any number of pregnancy complications that can occur...

March of Dimes is probably the best known organization that speaks to pregnancy and infant loss but that's because they fund research and have developed procedures that save babies- they aren't as known for the support they offer to grieving parents.

Those are just a few of the MANY "unknown" organizations that exist to support the 1 in 4 who know the heartache of this type of loss.


Here's how we are going to break the silence… instead of dumping a bucket of ice on my head- I'm heading to the local blood bank to make a donation (as soon as I am eligible to donate again).  A bucket of cold water doesn't do anything to help someone else… a needle and a half hour of your time can save up to 3 lives!

I challenge you to break the silence of the 1 in 4!  Make a blood donation or donate to one of the organizations above.  (Be a superstar and donate to all 4!)

Know someone who has lost a baby- Ask her how she is really doing.  Speak baby's name.  Give her a hug and let her know you haven't forgotten.
I promise you it will make the day of a mother of an angel baby!