Not so first day of school

After almost 3 years of hibernating, I’m back and there is MUCH to catch up on- another day... for now this angel mama is just sharing her heart in the moment.
Today I headed into school for my “not so first” day of school.  13 years of grade school, 5.5 years of college, and 3 years as the teacher leave me no stranger to ALL the nerves of the first day of school.
Only this year is incredibly different... this should have been my year to be THAT parent.  You know- proudly posting all the photos of your perfectly dressed kindergarten student ready to begin a bold new adventure.  But I’m not. And no one accurately prepared me for the FLOOD OF EMOTIONS that would arrive as this day approached.
I was so caught off guard- it just kind of snuck up that the day is here.  And I had nothing!
In the past, I’ve done things to set myself up for success on days that I know might be hard.  We did a trip to Hershey Park on TJ’s due date...  A trip to the zoo, balloons, or cake on an angelversary... Gifts from our angel that first Christmas and an ornament on the tree each year... I try to have something to put some happy when I know my heart will especially be hurting.
And. I. Failed. To put some happy in place for the first day of school.
Last night I went to bed in tears.  My baby should be “all grown up”, there will be no pictures- just like all the other missing pictures from these past 5 years- and to top it off I did nothing to prepare.
Life has been busy- TJ’s very busy sister has kept me on my toes.  I am setting up a classroom for the short-term subbing job I’m currently working. Matt is working extra hard to support our family since I have become a stay at home mom (minus that 3 week position)...
In those tears- crying to God to comfort my hurting heart- I started searching, praying for SOMETHING... cue the frantic search- googling for verses, randomly clicking in the Bible app and praying for a verse to speak to me... nothing was fitting what my heart needed but I got myself under control and resorted to setting the alarm and attempting sleep.
Just when I gave up- God stepped in.  I remembered an email for an early morning prayer meeting and also an article I had shared on Facebook a few days prior... with a plan, I drifted off to sleep as I prayed for strength to make it through the day.
The alarm clock rudely woke me a little earlier than normal so I could head to the meeting.  The toddler was full of extra snuggles as we loaded into the car and set out for our day. A quick stop at the babysitter, and then I headed to school.  Looking for a pick me up, I switched to the local Christian Radio station and heard words that have soothed my heart time and time again:

I squeezed into a circle of teachers who had gathered to pray for the school year- the students, the staff, the parents.  Before we headed back to our classrooms to kick the new year, I shared that article with the group.  1 Corinthians 13 for teachers  A new twist on some of my favorite verses and a refreshing reminder minutes before the bell rang.
Then they arrived- and the day got busy.  For a brief moment I shared my heavy heart with a friend- shed a few tears and appreciated the hug she offered as we rushed to the next task.
And God showed up!  In a room of 400ish 7th graders, I saw faces of students from a long term sub job years ago, and then there was L.  L is the son of a teacher friend.  (We taught across the hall from each other and kept each other sane when elementary school had it's moments.)  I took a seat next to him and snapped a selfie to share with his mom.  Not quite the 1st day of Kindergarten picture I was missing, but a moment captured with a genuine smile.

The day was busy.  I didn't have time to think about what was missing.  Until 5th period.  We had some extra time and played a getting to know you game.  When asked how many siblings you have, one student expressed confusing because he had a brother who had died.  Immediately those around him came to the consensus that this student needed to count his brother because "he still lives in your heart"- words of a 7th grade boy.  Even in all the 7th grade awkwardness- wow.  A few questions later, I had a the opportunity to speak privately with the student and express my condolences for the loss of his brother.  And again God showed up.  This student shared that he never knew his brother because he died when he was born, and he shrugged.  I reinforced what the classmate had said earlier, that he's still a brother and I was sorry for his loss.  This student continued to share with me that this brother was named Tyler.

Hold. The. Phone.  Yeah.  And just like that, the heartache was replaced with some warm fuzzy...

Thank you God for that sweet moment.

The rest of the day was just busy.  Nothing remarkable just a busy first day of school.

God knew I what I needed even when I hadn't prepared for it.  Friendly faces, busy doing what I love, and just enough reminders that my angel was all ready for his first day of school!

The more you know...

Here we sit... again trudging thru the darkness that consumes after the loss of a baby.  Traveling this path once is horrible, twice is nothing shy of pure hell.  With each loss, life changes.  Friends disappear, true colors are shown, and in the end you come out a very different person.  Yet as different as you are- you crave to be the same.  You need to be the same.
I'm guessing that most of you reading this aren't "part of the club" meaning you haven't lost a baby.  Oh how I envy you...
Just as you can't imagine how it is to know loss... I can't imagine how it is to try and walk beside someone who knows loss, and not have a clue.
Let me share what I've learned- both from my experience as an angel mother and as a friend who has walked beside others who have lost.

1) Be there.  It's just that simple.  No need for constant words.  Just be there.  With a tissue, with a hug, with a listening ear, with yourself.  Nothing says more to someone who feels completely alone than to have someone being there.

2) Don't lie.  If an angel mom asks you a point blank question- a lie is ALWAYS the wrong answer.  The truth will be found out and will hurt a million times more.  Lying to us says you don't value us, that we don't matter. This is especially true of "announcements."  The announcement will most likely send us into tears... but lying about it damages the joy we will feel.

3) Be sensitive.  If you are inviting us to a baby/pregnancy event let us know.  Sending a baby shower invite?  A phone call ahead of time will soften the blow at the mailbox. Announcing? As impersonal as it may seem- a perfectly timed text/email helps.  Catch us at home, not alone.  This allows us to shed the tears we so desperately need to, yet respond with the happiness we want to show you.

4) Please don't tell us we are too sad.  We know it.  We hate it.  And we could never wish anyone to have to experience this sadness.  Instead of telling us we are sad- Be There.

5) Follow Through.  I can't tell you the number of people who said "we should get together"  or "lets do dinner sometime."  Yet 4 months later- nothing.  It may not seem like it, but we really like the thought of human interaction.  Is it possible that it's not going to be the most exciting night of your week?  Most definitely.  Are you going to help make angel parents feel loved, valued, and semi-normal.  ABSOLUTELY.  An hour or 2 of "sacrifice" to spend with us can help prevent #4.  Just the same, we notice the people who offer and then never show and that sends a very clear message that we don't matter.

6) Don't take "No" for an answer.  I used this phrase when organizing meals for a friend going through a rough spot.  Never did I expect it to be "used against me"  but it was.  A meal was offered to us, I politely declined (because that's what you try to do) and my friend quoted me word for word.  She showed up with a simple meal... a meal that said, "we love you, we care about you, we are sorry we can't fix this."  It was a dinner (and lunch the next day) that I didn't have to think about or even prepare.  And a portion of the meal was something new for us.  Now every time we have it, I think of this friend and her caring.

7) Give us grace.  We will cry.  We might say something that seems odd or offends you- kindly let us know.  Chances are we didn't mean to.  We live in a different world- a world that society has silenced and we are trying to break the silence in hopes that no one else ever loses a baby.

8) Don't take away things that bring us joy.  The greatest disservice you can do to someone in the darkness of loss is to add more loss. In the darkness of infant loss anything that disappears after that loss is also a loss. And it just sends us farther into the darkness.  Friends fading away= loss.  Replaced on the team= loss.  Asked to take time away from a passion= loss.  As a wise friend once told me, "it's just like shoveling more sh!t onto the pile."

9) Small gifts/tokens and donations.  These are HUGE! There are many amazing organizations out there specifically making mementos for angel parents- sunset pictures, name boards, necklaces, dog tags, charms, statues, bears... the list is rather incredible. All things designed to bring comfort to a grieving parent.  Something that remembers their baby soothes the soul and speaks so loudly.  Visit with something small.  Send a card with a note that you donated to a baby loss charity.  Simple actions that say so much!

10) Speak baby's name.  Nothing makes my heart smile bigger than hearing someone else talk about TJ or our miscarried monkey.  We know it's not comfortable for you, but we love to hear it.  If you can't say it- find a way to allow us to bring it up in conversation.

11) Value our feelings.  If we reach out to you and tell you something we are feeling, acknowledge it. We aren't asking you to agree with it, but we are trusting you to value what we have to say.  I shared my heart the other day, something that was just really hard to hear and I reached out to 2 friends to express the challenge it was. One friend responded with "Hugs" and the other told me, "that's just how life is."  The first response said to me, "I'm here, I care, I don't necessarily understand/agree, but I know you hurt and I love you."  The other said, "Who cares that you hurt, get over it already."  I know that's not how my friend intended for it to be- but that's how my hurting heart took it.

12) Don't assume you know how we feel.  This has been one of the biggest struggles for me.  My experience with baby loss is unlike anyone else's.  I can relate to how most angel parents feel, but I will never know 100%.  This goes hand in hand with #11.  Value our feelings, we value yours!

13) Greet us with: "it's good to see you!" Instead of "how are you?"  The first is warm and safe- it's welcoming.  The later is a loaded question!  Do you really want to know?  Do I really want to share?  I'm trying to make this transition completely... To greet someone I'm happy to see and save that loaded question for when I truly am inquiring.  

14) Look beyond the tears.  Angel parent's emotions betray us... I get tears over everything!  Tears when I'm sad and hurting, tears when I'm healing, tears when my soul is being soothed, and tears with a happy heart.  Follow our lead not our tears.  And when in doubt, give a hug, a tissue, and a kind, loving word.  

Pregnancy and infant loss is an indescribable experience- we are learning just as you are. It's something that will NEVER go away!   Walking with us through our journey is the best thing you can do to ease the pain, lessen the burden, show us you care.  Love us- period!

If you know someone who has had a loss- maybe yesterday, maybe a year ago, 5 years, 10... Maybe it happens tomorrow... Remember these things, apply them and know- you are making a difference that will forever be appreciated!