The more you know...

Here we sit... again trudging thru the darkness that consumes after the loss of a baby.  Traveling this path once is horrible, twice is nothing shy of pure hell.  With each loss, life changes.  Friends disappear, true colors are shown, and in the end you come out a very different person.  Yet as different as you are- you crave to be the same.  You need to be the same.
I'm guessing that most of you reading this aren't "part of the club" meaning you haven't lost a baby.  Oh how I envy you...
Just as you can't imagine how it is to know loss... I can't imagine how it is to try and walk beside someone who knows loss, and not have a clue.
Let me share what I've learned- both from my experience as an angel mother and as a friend who has walked beside others who have lost.

1) Be there.  It's just that simple.  No need for constant words.  Just be there.  With a tissue, with a hug, with a listening ear, with yourself.  Nothing says more to someone who feels completely alone than to have someone being there.

2) Don't lie.  If an angel mom asks you a point blank question- a lie is ALWAYS the wrong answer.  The truth will be found out and will hurt a million times more.  Lying to us says you don't value us, that we don't matter. This is especially true of "announcements."  The announcement will most likely send us into tears... but lying about it damages the joy we will feel.

3) Be sensitive.  If you are inviting us to a baby/pregnancy event let us know.  Sending a baby shower invite?  A phone call ahead of time will soften the blow at the mailbox. Announcing? As impersonal as it may seem- a perfectly timed text/email helps.  Catch us at home, not alone.  This allows us to shed the tears we so desperately need to, yet respond with the happiness we want to show you.

4) Please don't tell us we are too sad.  We know it.  We hate it.  And we could never wish anyone to have to experience this sadness.  Instead of telling us we are sad- Be There.

5) Follow Through.  I can't tell you the number of people who said "we should get together"  or "lets do dinner sometime."  Yet 4 months later- nothing.  It may not seem like it, but we really like the thought of human interaction.  Is it possible that it's not going to be the most exciting night of your week?  Most definitely.  Are you going to help make angel parents feel loved, valued, and semi-normal.  ABSOLUTELY.  An hour or 2 of "sacrifice" to spend with us can help prevent #4.  Just the same, we notice the people who offer and then never show and that sends a very clear message that we don't matter.

6) Don't take "No" for an answer.  I used this phrase when organizing meals for a friend going through a rough spot.  Never did I expect it to be "used against me"  but it was.  A meal was offered to us, I politely declined (because that's what you try to do) and my friend quoted me word for word.  She showed up with a simple meal... a meal that said, "we love you, we care about you, we are sorry we can't fix this."  It was a dinner (and lunch the next day) that I didn't have to think about or even prepare.  And a portion of the meal was something new for us.  Now every time we have it, I think of this friend and her caring.

7) Give us grace.  We will cry.  We might say something that seems odd or offends you- kindly let us know.  Chances are we didn't mean to.  We live in a different world- a world that society has silenced and we are trying to break the silence in hopes that no one else ever loses a baby.

8) Don't take away things that bring us joy.  The greatest disservice you can do to someone in the darkness of loss is to add more loss. In the darkness of infant loss anything that disappears after that loss is also a loss. And it just sends us farther into the darkness.  Friends fading away= loss.  Replaced on the team= loss.  Asked to take time away from a passion= loss.  As a wise friend once told me, "it's just like shoveling more sh!t onto the pile."

9) Small gifts/tokens and donations.  These are HUGE! There are many amazing organizations out there specifically making mementos for angel parents- sunset pictures, name boards, necklaces, dog tags, charms, statues, bears... the list is rather incredible. All things designed to bring comfort to a grieving parent.  Something that remembers their baby soothes the soul and speaks so loudly.  Visit with something small.  Send a card with a note that you donated to a baby loss charity.  Simple actions that say so much!

10) Speak baby's name.  Nothing makes my heart smile bigger than hearing someone else talk about TJ or our miscarried monkey.  We know it's not comfortable for you, but we love to hear it.  If you can't say it- find a way to allow us to bring it up in conversation.

11) Value our feelings.  If we reach out to you and tell you something we are feeling, acknowledge it. We aren't asking you to agree with it, but we are trusting you to value what we have to say.  I shared my heart the other day, something that was just really hard to hear and I reached out to 2 friends to express the challenge it was. One friend responded with "Hugs" and the other told me, "that's just how life is."  The first response said to me, "I'm here, I care, I don't necessarily understand/agree, but I know you hurt and I love you."  The other said, "Who cares that you hurt, get over it already."  I know that's not how my friend intended for it to be- but that's how my hurting heart took it.

12) Don't assume you know how we feel.  This has been one of the biggest struggles for me.  My experience with baby loss is unlike anyone else's.  I can relate to how most angel parents feel, but I will never know 100%.  This goes hand in hand with #11.  Value our feelings, we value yours!

13) Greet us with: "it's good to see you!" Instead of "how are you?"  The first is warm and safe- it's welcoming.  The later is a loaded question!  Do you really want to know?  Do I really want to share?  I'm trying to make this transition completely... To greet someone I'm happy to see and save that loaded question for when I truly am inquiring.  

14) Look beyond the tears.  Angel parent's emotions betray us... I get tears over everything!  Tears when I'm sad and hurting, tears when I'm healing, tears when my soul is being soothed, and tears with a happy heart.  Follow our lead not our tears.  And when in doubt, give a hug, a tissue, and a kind, loving word.  

Pregnancy and infant loss is an indescribable experience- we are learning just as you are. It's something that will NEVER go away!   Walking with us through our journey is the best thing you can do to ease the pain, lessen the burden, show us you care.  Love us- period!

If you know someone who has had a loss- maybe yesterday, maybe a year ago, 5 years, 10... Maybe it happens tomorrow... Remember these things, apply them and know- you are making a difference that will forever be appreciated!

Rainy Wednesday

It's been a while… I have a few posts that have been sitting in cue (including one from the beach- YIKES!) that I should really just edit and post… but tonight I offer you some insight into the randomness filling my brain on this rainy evening.

As has become the norm for my life- today was anything but what I expected it to be… I was supposed to wake up, handle some necessary bill paying, wash wallpaper glue off some walls, do some laundry, play with Clara, go to dinner with friends and take care of some chores around the house.
Necessary bill paying required a trip to my parents to use their fax machine (YAY property taxes!)… while I was there my mom asked me to go with her to visit my Aunt.  My Aunt has spent the better part of the last 2 weeks at my Uncle's side as he battles cancer in the hospital.  I quickly decided that wallpaper glue could just spend another day or two as the decor of my powder room and jumped in the car for a visit…

I'm no stranger to cancer and the effects it has on people… I saw is slowly take life from my Pap and I watched my Mom Kick Cancer's butt!!!  I know it's not kind- and I know the helpless feeling as you just sit there and watch and wait and realize all you can do is Pray.

I thought we were going to offer a some hugs and a few minutes of friendly faces for my Aunt.
This was a good afternoon- vitals were favorable (YAY no fever!) and we got a short visit with my Uncle.  At first I was struck with how he looked like Pap, even though my Uncle married into the family.  His hair color had changed after chemo treatment, and he had traded in his standard golf polo for a pair of flannel PJ's.  My Uncle had always been a pillar of strength in the family- to see him in such a frail state was a challenge, even though I thought I was prepared.
It didn't take long for some of his old spirit to appear!  We walked a few laps with him around the floor.  Lap 1 was met with cheers from the nurses- that brought smiles as we walked.  Lap 2 he was still feeling good…
Lap 3 brought a flashback of childhood memories.

Side note:  My Aunt and Uncle always hosted family Easter gatherings.   This always includes an Easter egg hunt.  You can't have an easter egg hunt with my family without properly warming up.  Warm up exercises are always led by my Uncle.  It's normally quite the sight  and a tradition I missed this year!

As we rounded the corner to start lap 3 my Uncle announced, "This is a nice straight away.  Stretch the legs.  Nice deep breaths.  This feels good!"  I giggled.  I pictured a room filled with kiddos taking lunging steps with him, preparing to find All the Eggs.  

Lap 4 was a battle of wills- he wanted to keep going… my Aunt thought 4 was enough for now and Mom agreed.  So we returned to the room.  

I spent a few minutes talking with him.  He asked how I was liking LCBC.  We talked about my involvement with Jcrew and camp. He smiled.  Then he asked about Matt.  The smile on his face grew as I shared that Matt was also involved and loving LCBC.  He was happy to hear that we had found a church where we could be involved and grow.  Yay for being able to provide a bit of non-medical brightness to a rather dreary day.

We said our goodbyes and headed for home.  

The chores never happened… the glue is still on the wall… I did do a load of laundry and spent some time playing with Clara… and I paid a few bills… dinner with friends was traded for a stop in to see the hubby at work and refuel him with some iced coffee…

For a not very productive day, I was beat, but it was so worth it!

 And now I need to get some rest because this chic is taking a van full of kids to "The Sweetest Place on Earth" tomorrow!

I am reminded...

So I know I kinda fell off the face of the Earth... Life has been filled with lots of busyness... Most of it very positive... Cause you know... The whole teaching 2nd grade thing is amazing!  I have loved every minute of it and am dreading that the end is near.

In my absence from blogging there have been many reminders...

Reminders of why I have huge amounts of student loans- I LOVE teaching!

Reminders of why I love my husband- lots of laughs, snuggles and great times.

Reminders that I have the best friends- friends who rallied by my side to make sure I knew I was loved when I was deeply hurt by others...

Reminders that God answers prayers!  "Small prayers" have been answered when I needed it most.  

As we enter Easter weekend, I am reminded of something greater.  God's amazing LOVE.  A love so intense that he was willing to send his Son to die for you and me.  That's what Easter is all about.  We are celebrating the death of Jesus... Followed by his resurrection.  The conquering of sin.  The ultimate act of love.  

The whole Easter story has always seemed amazing to me.  But now it has so much more meaning... I now know what it's like to watch your son die... How hard it is... The hurt, pain, and torture you experience as the child you love so deeply slips away and there is nothing you can do.

Poor Mary... First she experienced the ridicule of being unwed and pregnant... And then 30ish years later she had to watch him die... For no fault of his own... And she could do nothing to save him...  I have a new appreciation for this amazing women.

And God... What an act of LOVE for us.  To send his son knowing he would be punished as an innocent man and sentenced to death... A death that would cover the fact that man chooses sin... 

I know the pain I've experienced.  I would not wish it upon my worst enemy... And yet God willingly took on that burden so that we- people like you and me- can know God's forgiveness.  That is Amazing Grace!  

God loves us so much that he sent his son to die as payment for our sins... Not just for the best of us... But for ALL of us!  It's kinda crazy amazing to think about- that I am loved... We are loved... YOU are loved that much!  

If you are looking for a place to hear about that Love... Your local church is a great place to start... Or check out LCBC Churchfor times/locations for their Easter gatherings.

Avalanche

 This time 2 weeks ago I was preparing for Avalanche.  I was super excited for a weekend with my Jcrew girls.  Never in a million years could I have prepared for just how awesome the weekend could be.
There was plenty of snow on the ground as I loaded my car and headed to LCBC for the fun to begin.  I had a TON of stuff  because I was prepared for playing in snow and staying warm which included sleeping in a "cabin".  That stuff takes up lots of space!  Plus, I may have gone a little over board with food for my cabin.  What can I say… I was excited and was using my experience of less than stellar camp food to guide the amount of food to take.  Everyone arrived, we loaded the bus and were off.
2 hours on a bus lead to some interesting conversations… including one that offered guidance to the girls for their future.  Can I just say that the student ministries pastor at LCBC York gave some great advice to the kids about determining their future.  I wish I had had someone to provide the same perspective to me at their age.  Pretty much he said to find something you enjoy doing and pursue it.  Don't worry if it means not taking the "traditional" college route- just make smart decisions/don't be a bum.  And if college is your chosen path- check out options so that you don't come out with mounds of debt.  He was loving the kids for who they are/want to be and not for what society says they need to be.

When we arrived at Northbay (the place we were staying) we unpacked and headed to dinner.  All the girls crammed at one table and we had some of the best dinner conversation fueled by excitement for the weekend.  Dinner finished and the weekend kicked into full gear.
Friday night included a teaching session and free time.  After lights out the girls giggled and eventually nodded off to sleep.  I finally understand what parents mean when they say they never sleep the same!  I woke up in the middle of the night to a "sleep talker" who then turned into a "sleep walker."  I wish I had thought to grab my phone and record it because it was priceless!

Saturday was our crazy busy day.  Leaders started WAY TOO EARLY with a leader meeting. (Remember I do not like mornings!)  By the time breakfast rolled around I finally started to appreciate the day.  Our post breakfast activity was a photo scavenger hunt.

We made a human pyramid with some other girls.  Played leap frog in the snow. Squeezed a speed round of duck, duck, goose in inside our cabin.  Danced to LCBC Style at the bay.  Made a mini snowman.  And so much more.  Sadly, the guys from York beat us.  

We had some more teaching and then an afternoon of free time.  (This is where all my cold gear was useful.)  I piled on the layers, shared some of my extra gloves and such with some not as prepared girls, and headed out for an afternoon in the snow- aka crossing things off the bucket list. 

I went zip lining. (There is photographic evidence but the quality isn't super.)

Then the wait began for the 3 person swing.  This thing is like a ride at Hershey Park mixed with riding the Zip line.  You are harnessed in, wearing helmets… and well- just watch the video.

The person on the end has to "chop" a blue cord to release the swing… I give you the moment after the chop:

We warmed up,  and headed to the most awesome dinner ever!!!  We had pizza by disco ball.  A "DJ" (aka leader) provided us a rockin' good time.  The band got things going on stage by "dancing" to Crank it Like a Chainsaw- complete with "rap solo".  This opened the door for the YMCA, a conga line, Cotton Eyed Joe line dance, Katy Perry and Taylor swift sing along and a bunch of other craziness.  It was inspiring to watch the kids drop their guard as they danced and sang along without a care in the world as to who was watching them.  This was one of those times that you just had to be there to completely grasp how awesome it was!!!

After dinner was a teaching session.  That wrapped up with cabin time followed by a dodgeball game or movie.  Several of my girls decided to participate in the "open" league for dodgeball- aka they were the only co-ed team playing against teams of all boys.  

Another night of talking and giggles- that ended much earlier.  There are no fun stories to tell of sleep walkers.  We got to sleep in and when we got back from the leader meeting- the girls had packed up and cleaned the cabin.  I was impressed!!!  Off to brunch and our last teaching session before heading home.  

Let me dig in to a few things for you.

1- THE FOOD WAS AWESOME!!!  And high school students served us as every meal.  The girls were really impressed that the older kids cared about them enough to give up a weekend to serve them.  

2- Worship time before each teaching session ROCKED.  Jcrew at LCBC York doesn't have a band yet- so it was a new experience to see middle schoolers worship.  They get into it!  My girls were thrilled to sing Manifesto.  And The song of the weekend was The Rock Won't Move.  

Credit for this photo belongs to the LCBC Instagram peeps.

3- The teaching was impressive.  "The Amish Man" taught- He used to be Amish, now he is the student ministries pastor at LCBC Ephrata.  The focus was on reading the bible.  It was presented in the  most down to earth, practical way I've ever heard.  They used a version of the Bible called the message.  It was not a version I had encountered before- but will be purchasing as it is super easy to understand and apply.  I made note of a few things throughout the teaching:

• The Bible is a love letter from God.  If someone wrote you a letter you would read it.  God gave us the Bible as his love letter to us- we need to read it.  You will read what is important to you- if God matters to you- you will find time to read the Bible.  (Amish Man shared that sometimes you will forget and that's ok- just don't always forget.)
• Reading the Bible takes baby steps.  We learned of the process Kevin Durant uses called SOAP: Scripture (read it), Observe (think about what is being said), Apply (how should I use this in my life) and Pray.  Reading the bible is something we tend to over think- if you follow these baby steps it will be easier to understand and apply to your life.  
• Christianity is the only religion that is based on a Relationship first- a relationship with God.  All other religions are based on Rules.  
• The Bible was meant for you!  The Bible gives you hope- knowing you are never alone even if your circumstances don't change.  (I see this as going hand in hand with sometimes God says no. You might be in a situation you wish were different, you can pray that it changes, but even if it doesn't God is still there and still Loves you!

4- My cabin of girls were AMAZING.  The insight they had during our life group time in the cabin was pretty deep.  We didn't have a lot of digging deep, emotional time… but they provided deep thoughts that I couldn't even imagine thinking at their age.  My favorite quote of the weekend came from life group time.  Every imperfection we see is perfection in God's eyes.   Wow- like I said deep.  I know they won't remember this every second of every day- but the fact that they were able to even think this and share was incredible.  

5- I Love that I can be a part of a church that Loves their middle school students!  Too often middle school gets "missed".  There is a great structured program for the younger kids, and high school has lots of fun events, but middle school kinds gets lost in the shuffle.  Instead of allowing them to get lost- they single them out by providing a great experience like this- where they bring in other students to shower them with love and blessings.

6- Our teaching times started off with a crazy game. ALWAYS.  These games involved ball pit balls, donuts on a fishing rod and chocolate milk in a funnel,  whipped cream pies, finding random objects and other ridiculousness.  Just a fun way to get kids excited for some awesome worship and open their hearts for God to work.  

Truth be told now that the weekend is over… I think it's possible that the experience taught me just as much as it did for the girls.  I went with the intention of making some girls feel loved.  Instead they did that for me.  I wanted to do some blessing of others and left more blessed than I could have imagined.  

When we arrived back at LCBC, I had planned on staying for the 4:30 Jcrew session and the 6:15 gathering… yea about that… it didn't happen.  I came home and CRASHED.  (So much so that I also missed the chance to visit Matt at work.)  I was exhausted.  It was an awesome weekend that left me with a full heart.

I can not wait to do it all again at Shock Wave this summer!!!

Here are links to videos LCBC made throughout the weekend- they truly show the extent of a crazy awesome weekend!

Friday Night

Saturday

Sunday

Check out #Lcbcavalanche14 for additional pictures!

P.S. Special shout outs to my awesome neighbor and Lauren for checking in on Clara while Matt worked.  And an extra special thank you to my hubby for funding my trip and encouraging me to follow my heart as I serve with Jcrew.  Not to mention sacrificing a weekend of time together.  

I had it all wrong

Last week I talked about what kind of leader I wanted to be as I prepared for the Jcrew winter retreat... Which by the way Avalanche was awesome and will be getting its own post in the very near future!  

It's been a whirlwind of a week around our house.  I returned from avalanche, caught up on sleep, we had Clara spayed and her pearly whites got a cleaning, I've been on dog care duty (we managed to survive without a cone!), I worked a bit, Matt worked a lot, and then good things happened. ( more on that at a later date- no it's not a pregnancy announcement.)

This week is the wind down from the "high" of avalanche.  

You see- I'm not so convinced that the weekend was 100% for the kids.  I sure took a lot out of it!  

I've been following the #lcbcavalanche14 feed and today I saw a picture on Instagram from a leader who took some time to journal about the experience.  

(Insert a wave a guilt for not being as awesome about that.). The comment under the picture mirrored my thoughts about it not being all for the kids.  I didn't think much of it at the time...

But now... It's 12:45am... I teach in the morning... And my mind is alive...

I thought about my recent post... Thought about what my avalanche post would say... Started to evaluate what kind of leader I was... And then it hit me... The big 'ole smack upside the head that God has to give me once in a while...

I was so focused on what type of leader I wanted to be... I never stopped to listen to what type of a leader God wanted me to be.  Sure I prayed that God would make me a good leader.  That I would be a positive influence on the girls... What I should have been praying is for God to guide me to be the leader the girls needed me to be.  I should have been seeking God's guidance instead of making it into something I wanted.

And just to ensure that sleep would evade me for a good portion of the night... I realized that this should apply to ALL areas of my life.  To truly trust God, to really listen to Him- I need to be seeking his guidance in everything.  Not praying for or seeking what I want, but seeking God's will.   

Yea about that... Who needs sleep?!?

I am happy to say that I don't think I completely dropped the ball on being an awesome leader.  I think I did an all right job.  We had a lot of fun, I wasn't too mean or a wallflower, there were no lives to be saved... It was good.  If I had to grade myself: I'd have an average score.  Which means there's room for improvement... Because I want to be a great leader- and that will happen with some help from the man upstairs!