Not so first day of school

After almost 3 years of hibernating, I’m back and there is MUCH to catch up on- another day... for now this angel mama is just sharing her heart in the moment.
Today I headed into school for my “not so first” day of school.  13 years of grade school, 5.5 years of college, and 3 years as the teacher leave me no stranger to ALL the nerves of the first day of school.
Only this year is incredibly different... this should have been my year to be THAT parent.  You know- proudly posting all the photos of your perfectly dressed kindergarten student ready to begin a bold new adventure.  But I’m not. And no one accurately prepared me for the FLOOD OF EMOTIONS that would arrive as this day approached.
I was so caught off guard- it just kind of snuck up that the day is here.  And I had nothing!
In the past, I’ve done things to set myself up for success on days that I know might be hard.  We did a trip to Hershey Park on TJ’s due date...  A trip to the zoo, balloons, or cake on an angelversary... Gifts from our angel that first Christmas and an ornament on the tree each year... I try to have something to put some happy when I know my heart will especially be hurting.
And. I. Failed. To put some happy in place for the first day of school.
Last night I went to bed in tears.  My baby should be “all grown up”, there will be no pictures- just like all the other missing pictures from these past 5 years- and to top it off I did nothing to prepare.
Life has been busy- TJ’s very busy sister has kept me on my toes.  I am setting up a classroom for the short-term subbing job I’m currently working. Matt is working extra hard to support our family since I have become a stay at home mom (minus that 3 week position)...
In those tears- crying to God to comfort my hurting heart- I started searching, praying for SOMETHING... cue the frantic search- googling for verses, randomly clicking in the Bible app and praying for a verse to speak to me... nothing was fitting what my heart needed but I got myself under control and resorted to setting the alarm and attempting sleep.
Just when I gave up- God stepped in.  I remembered an email for an early morning prayer meeting and also an article I had shared on Facebook a few days prior... with a plan, I drifted off to sleep as I prayed for strength to make it through the day.
The alarm clock rudely woke me a little earlier than normal so I could head to the meeting.  The toddler was full of extra snuggles as we loaded into the car and set out for our day. A quick stop at the babysitter, and then I headed to school.  Looking for a pick me up, I switched to the local Christian Radio station and heard words that have soothed my heart time and time again:

I squeezed into a circle of teachers who had gathered to pray for the school year- the students, the staff, the parents.  Before we headed back to our classrooms to kick the new year, I shared that article with the group.  1 Corinthians 13 for teachers  A new twist on some of my favorite verses and a refreshing reminder minutes before the bell rang.
Then they arrived- and the day got busy.  For a brief moment I shared my heavy heart with a friend- shed a few tears and appreciated the hug she offered as we rushed to the next task.
And God showed up!  In a room of 400ish 7th graders, I saw faces of students from a long term sub job years ago, and then there was L.  L is the son of a teacher friend.  (We taught across the hall from each other and kept each other sane when elementary school had it's moments.)  I took a seat next to him and snapped a selfie to share with his mom.  Not quite the 1st day of Kindergarten picture I was missing, but a moment captured with a genuine smile.

The day was busy.  I didn't have time to think about what was missing.  Until 5th period.  We had some extra time and played a getting to know you game.  When asked how many siblings you have, one student expressed confusing because he had a brother who had died.  Immediately those around him came to the consensus that this student needed to count his brother because "he still lives in your heart"- words of a 7th grade boy.  Even in all the 7th grade awkwardness- wow.  A few questions later, I had a the opportunity to speak privately with the student and express my condolences for the loss of his brother.  And again God showed up.  This student shared that he never knew his brother because he died when he was born, and he shrugged.  I reinforced what the classmate had said earlier, that he's still a brother and I was sorry for his loss.  This student continued to share with me that this brother was named Tyler.

Hold. The. Phone.  Yeah.  And just like that, the heartache was replaced with some warm fuzzy...

Thank you God for that sweet moment.

The rest of the day was just busy.  Nothing remarkable just a busy first day of school.

God knew I what I needed even when I hadn't prepared for it.  Friendly faces, busy doing what I love, and just enough reminders that my angel was all ready for his first day of school!

Awful Arthur

This is only a month and a half late… What you are about to read was typed in the car… I delayed posting as we recovered from the ride and celebrated the 4th…and then delayed some more just for good measure…
 So here you have it… Thoughts from our OBX vacation that ended early thanks to Hurricane Arthur.

It's 1:30 am Wednesday night/Thursday morning... I'm sitting in the passenger seat of a very loaded down Jeep... In tears as my week long vacation is ending 3 days early... 

Hatteras Island faces a mandatory evacuation 5am Thursday... Ummm- I LOVE OBX but I have a strong dislike for lots of traffic AND for being forced to take the long way... Matt's dislike for those things is even more intense than mine... And so we packed and left...

And like any 31 year old- I cried... 

This was an AWESOME vacation... Some very much needed reconnection time with the man I love... The calm before we begin our fertility treatment journey... 

The OBX has always been our place- it was our first real vacation together and a place we have visited every year... Where we went on our honeymoon, and where we went after we lost TJ... It's just been out retreat from life- we love the slow pace, lack of "busy" things to do, and daily trips to the beach or sound... Not to mention its DOG FRIENDLY- Dutchess used to vacation with us!  

This year was Clara's first trip... This year should have been TJ's first trip… 

I was so busy enjoying the trip that my photos are limited… but here are a few...

We had fun taking Clara to bounce at the ocean!

We listened to Sundays message from LCBC while sitting on the beach (2 votes from the Dietrich's for a LCBC-OBX campus!)

We made a sand castle for TJ.

 

We rode wave runners! (Checked one off the bucket list!)

We spent hours floating over waves and sitting under the umbrella... Just relaxing- loving life!

We hit up our "must" stops- Howard's Pub & the Slushie Stand on Ocracoke (yay ferry ride), Top Dog, Village Conery (Clara walked there with us and had her first soft serve ice cream experience), and our last meal was crabs from Austin's South Island Seafood.  It was good eating!  

We broke in our new kicks.

OBX 2014 was all lined up to be an amazing vacation.

Until it was time to leave... Suddenly my heart felt heavy- like I was leaving without a goodbye- only what adult needs to say goodbye to the beach?!?  

Then I remembered I had wanted to write in the sand... 

All week my heart had been full, peaceful as I soaked up the beauty of God's creation. And then as I faced leaving it I felt a separation coming... 

I recognized that heavy heart- it had been hiding for a while... Always there but kindly keeping to its self UNTIL NOW- 7pm as we pack to evacuate and end our vacay.  Hello the heart if a grieving mother... There is not a moment that I don't miss my sweet angel, but this was intense!

I woke Matt from his nap, leashed up Clara and headed to the beach...  This needed to happen

But first we found TJs sandcastle, in decent shape considering we had built it 10 hours prior.

It was perfect to see- but started the waterworks.  We sat in the sand and talked about missing our boy... About how the beach seems to calm our hurting hearts... About how we weren't ready to leave- but were actually excited to have a nice house to go home to…

It was just a rough night... Even now- my heart has me wanting to just sob... The ugly cry- the cry from deep down that you save for the biggest of hurt... 

The beach should have been so different... Life should be so different... Most days I do ok with the fact that it's not... Today wasn't one of those days... 

Maybe tomorrow will be better... 

And if you are reading this- it means we have arrived safely home and are hopefully sound asleep.

Gifts from above

If you've known me for any length of time I'm sure you've learned that I love to laugh and have a good time.  I'm guilty of using laughter as a defense mechanism and sometimes that causes me to come across as rude or semi-inappropriate... You know when you're out to dinner and someone says, "can I have..."  I respond "no!"

Life is better when you are having a good, fun time.

It's also no secret that the past year has been lacking in the "fun time category". Infact, I think it's fair to say the past year has far exceeded several years worth of "bawl your eyes out" moments.  

As we approached the holidays I felt like I was doing ok- holding my own... And then one day... It hit me.  I couldn't find my Christmas spirit and I started to fall back into "the fog" of grief.

I got myself together enough to do my shopping- and tried to cram as much as possible into one day.  

I saw a picture my friend Country Mouse posted on Instagram of her boys having a nerf battle and it got me thinking- I wanted to see Matt do that with our son... Only it would never happen.  With that picture in mind I made a random "on a whim" purchase at target as I rushed to finish shopping.  

Fast forward (through some rough days) to my day of wrapping- I wrapped that on a whim purchase and left it tag-less- the gift needed the perfect tag... So I thought and thought... On Christmas Eve it hit me... I ran my idea past a friend (to make sure I wasn't off my rocker) and got the thumbs up from her... So I created the tag. (Please forgive the lack of photos- I was too busy enjoying the moments that followed)

A stack of 4 identical packages were tied together and labeled with one tag:

To: Gramps, Dad, Uncle Caleb and Uncle Ryan

From: TJ

Heaven is a blast!  Have some fun!

Later that night I arrived at my parents for our annual family Christmas.  (Matt was serving at LCBC and would join us after the Christmas Eve gatherings.). I carefully added my gifts to the pile under the tree and joined my family for quality time together.  We talked, ate and then gathered around the tree to read some of the real Christmas story and begin exchanging gifts.  The pile of packages stayed in place until Matt joined us... My dad picked it up and with uncertainty asked if it was okay to open this gift.  He read the tag aloud and then handed each of the boys one carefully wrapped parcel.  

Together they tore into the wrapping paper to reveal a nerf gun.  The race was on to see who could free their gun and ammo from the package first.  Mom provided the blow by blow commentary and quickly all 4 boys were armed and firing across the room.  No one (not even the guest of the evening) was safe from the attack.  

When the initial battle was over and ammo had been collected we continued on with our Christmas traditions... Now laced with random nerf arrows flying across the room.  

It was just what I had envisioned... Fun-filled laughing... A true gift from my angel who I'm missing this holiday season.  

The evening came to a close... The ammo was all accounted for- although at least one piece is safely resting out of harms way until the tree comes down- and we gathered our things to return home.   The nerf guns all stayed at mom and dad's for future battles... Future gifts of laughter... For tonight they served their purpose as they brought fun and laughter that Matt and I so very much needed.

Merry Christmas!!!

Counting my Blessings

A few weeks ago I mentioned here about participating in Count Your Blessings.
Over the past 4 weeks I have taken time each day to reflect on something that happened each day that I found to be a blessing, something I was thankful for.  It was a great way to focus on the positives as November 2013 didn't want to be left out of the crappiness that has been 2013 for me.  Some of the blessings I found were spurred by something specific while others were more of a blanket statement for things I'm thankful for.

1- My Hard Working Hubby: Matt works 2 jobs to support our family.  I am very thankful to be blessed with a man who has a passion for his career!  He puts in many hours so that I can continue to pursue my career in education by remaining a substitute teacher instead of finding any old fill time job.  There are many days that I wonder if Matt truly understands just how much I appreciate his hard work.

2- Snuggles in bed as a "family":  My favorite place to be is snuggled with my hubby and my dog.  (This was selected as my blessing when we still had our old Dutchess. As she started to go down hill I realized just how much I valued the stress-free moments of having my loved ones close.)

3- Great Friends (like Lauren) who make me laugh and I can spend hours talking with:  Lauren has been my buddy for years and although we don't see each other as much as I would like, or talk on any regular basis… I know that any time I spend interacting with Lauren will be filled with lots of laughs and good conversation! You can read about our awesome BINGO adventure here.

4- Jcrew 7th & 8th grade girls: These girls are amazing!!!  I love learning about them and having a chance to be a kid "do life together."  When I tell people I work with the middle school kids at LCBC the general response is one of "better you than me- middle school is such an odd/rough stage."  Let me tell you Middle School Makes My Day!

5- Dutchess:  She was my old girl, my BFF, and the first to know about sweet TJ.  Miss her to pieces!

6- Classroom's full of kids:  Teaching a classroom full of kids is one of my happy places.  I love to help them grow and learn.  I appreciate the innocence many of them still have and want to do all that I can to help them become cool people! I don't have parental permission to post pictures of the kids- but you know what a classroom of kids looks like.  

7- Time with Matt:  Between our work schedules, Matt and I can go a week of just passing each other.  I always love being with my hubby but appreciate it even more after a few days of quick kisses as we pass at the door.

8- Life Group:  We've been blessed to be a part of 2 life groups.  The first was together when our life was falling apart.  There was (I can see now) a clear purpose to us all being brought together… the purpose was served and we drifted apart (moving will do that ya know.)  We recently joined a new life group- it's a great fit for us… couples around our age, wanting to do life together.  It's been great!!!  The people in both life groups have been a real blessing to me!

 That's most of them anyway...

9- Friends Like K & S:   This great couple is just awesomely fun.  We've shared OBX trips with them… we found out we were pregnant at the same time they were (due 3 days apart)… and they experienced the loss of their little girl just 2 weeks before we lost TJ… I value their friendship tremendously and hope that one day soon we can both share that we're pregnant- and have a happy ending!  Out of respect for the privacy of my friends- you won't see their picture here.  

10- LCBC (specifically their "Be Rich" challenge): This will have an entire post.  LCBC is doing a series called "be rich"- I've taken it as a challenge to enhance the way I live.  The most remarkable thing about it is while they were challenging us to Give… NOT ONCE did they talk about giving to them… the focus was giving to others!  To combine the effort of everyone at LCBC to make BIG differences in the community.  It's been awesome!

11- Mom and Dad:  I have not always appreciated my parents… there was a point in my life where we did not see eye to eye and it was just bad… but this year- they've been pretty awesome.

12- Surprises:  It's not often that I'm pleasantly surprised… I'm normally the one doing the surprising.  This surprise was HUGE- a trip to Vegas.  It was really nice to be the one that was surprised.

13- Hard Workin Hubby: Must be important because it came up twice!  Our Vegas trip was sponsored by all of his hard work.  It helps that there was a backpay check too… My hubby works hard and I really appreciate what a blessing it is for our family.

14- God's beautiful Creations: As an adult I have a new appreciation for the magnificent beauty that our country holds.  In high school my family took 2 different "out west" trips to see many of the national parks… I thought it was cool but didn't completely appreciate what I was seeing.  Now that Matt and I are slowly exploring many of these places together I realize just how awesome "nature" can be.

15- Stacey & Joys of Life Scrapbooking:  This lady and her store… there is so much talent… She wrote a beautiful poem in honor of TJ (33 Minutes).  Stacey offered to hold a private class for my friends from my pregnancy & infant loss support group- attendance was not stellar but those of us who made it (I think) had a good time.  I know I got a lot out of our private journal creating time.

16- Operation Christmas Child: Take a shoebox, fill it with gifts, pay $7 to ship it and make a child in need feel like royalty.  It's an awesome program.  Matt and I made 2 boxes, one boy and one girl, and then I got to help LCBC York pack up all the shoeboxes to ship out… 606 from our branch… this was part of the Be Rich series and was really cool to see it all come together!

17- Gracious Friends: H & D are part of our life group, and we are on the meal ministry team at LCBC… I got a little excited and completely took their week.  Their gracious response was very much appreciated.

18- Clara: We had her for 2 days and we knew she was a perfect fit for us.  I'm enjoying having a normal dog again!  Confused about Clara? Meet Clara!

19- Power: It's something we all take for granted… until we don't have it!  I was teaching, went out to recess and when we came back in… power was out.  We made due but you really realize how much you use it when it's not there.  Yea- being able to read this should be "photo" enough

20- Teachers I work with: The teachers I have had the pleasure to work with are some of the most friendly and helpful that I have come across.  Didn't even make an attempt to gather all of the teachers from my favorite schools together… not happening...

21- Support Group: The phenomenal people in my pregnancy & infant loss support group have been life savers!  Their words of wisdom… sharing stories… working through our loss & grief… It's been helpful beyond words!  Sorry- no picture for this… the beauty of  support group is that we support each other with respect for privacy. 

22a- Wonderful Neighbors: Our neighbor H and her daughter E have gone above and beyond as our neighbors.  While I was in the hospital- they took care of Dutchess during the day so that Matt could be by my side.  They keep an eye out for us and we do the same for them… and if it's been too long since we've seen them… I just go to LCBC and I'll see them there.  I love knowing that we have great neighbors and have said on more than one occasion that when we buy a house- they need to buy the house next door!

22b- My Hubby's Caring Heart: There is a reason Matt is a Firefighter and Paramedic… he has the heart and skills to face the many things they have to face.  He never is completely off duty either… our "other" neighbors experienced an emergency situation recently- Matt picked up on it as the call to 911 was being made and he went into action offering all the assistance he could until more help/equipment had arrived.

Another example of Matt's caring heart- Love my hubby!

23- Grandma:  I Love my Grandma!!!  She has been there for me through thick and thin- always listening, understanding and loving.  I "hold her responsible" for my love for dogs, swimming and late nights.  Her house holds many fond memories for me… the best being my picture perfect wedding!

24- Friends- J and T:  This couple has faced challenges I can not even imagine… yet even in the midst of their challenges they have found a way to be a support to us as we endured our own struggles of life.  They were a part of the first life group and although we aren't officially in a life group together- we continue to do life together!

25- My Mom's family:  For as long as I can remember… my mom's family has always made being together a priority.  We celebrate holidays (even if it's a week or 2 early), have luau's, and just enjoy being a Christ loving family.  They always try to demonstrate their love for each member of the family- all 35 of us now.  The most remarkable thing about this family is the way they rally around family members as they face struggles- it's overwhelming in the best way possible.  Nan and Pap sure knew what they were doing to create a family this strong and loving!

(Left: Pap, Caleb and I in Pap's Backhoe many moons ago       Right: Nan and I at a Luau) 

26- Rose: This chic has been nothing shy of amazing… enough so that she will have her very own spotlight post in the near future… it's one you don't want to miss!

27a- Warm, Dry Home: In the midst of cold, wet, windy, nasty weather it's nice to know I have a warm, stable, dry home to come to.


27b- Generous friends:  I put a request out for a specific item a friend in need really needed… the responses I got from my friends was overwhelming.  To see that my friends will care for a "stranger" because it's someone I care for is heartwarming… and to see the extent that they will go to meet a need and then to go above and beyond… brings tears of joy to my eyes.

28- Good Food, Good Family:   Thanksgiving this year was filled with lots of good food and 14 members of my family. We prayed for my uncle who is just beginning a battle with leukemia, a cousin who is struggling and for a hope filled future, gave thanks for a warm, dry house filled with an abundance of delicious food, ate way too much, laughed until there were tears, remembered my angel baby, played games, and made memories.

I was too busy enjoying the day that I forgot to capture it in picture form…but for your viewing pleasure- This is the same family at a memorial day parade this year.  Always a good time!

I hope you were blessed with a thanksgiving celebration as wonderful as mine!