my ice bucket challenge

I got not 1 but 3 nominations for the latest "craze"… the ALS ice bucket challenge- done to raise funds for ALS.  Incase you have been living under a rock this is how it works… You get nominated by someone to either dump a bucket of ice water over your head or donate $100 to the ALS foundation and you have 24 hours to make that happen.  It's done great things for creating awareness of ALS, a life changing disease that affects roughly 1 in 50,000 people.  It's awesome to see how this has taken off… and it got me thinking…

1 in 4 pregnancies result in loss; miscarriage, still birth, infant loss (like we experienced with TJ).  1 in 4  that's 25% of pregnancies.  Before Tyler, I knew that the first 12 weeks of pregnancy were "in the danger zone".  Now I know that while the first 12 weeks carry the greatest chance for a miscarriage there is still a chance for something to "to wrong".  What BLOWS MY MIND is that NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT!  I read What to Expect When Your Expecting and it doesn't talk about all the OTHER things that can happen after the first trimester.  Society as a whole is silent about pregnancy and infant loss- yet it affects so many.  HOW?  WHY?  Yes it's a horribly sad topic.  But why are we not talking about it?  Why do grieving mothers get "the look" at the mere mention of a lost baby?  Why is it a taboo topic?  Why does Facebook feel that pictures of pre-term babies are unacceptable and are removed yet there is no issue with nearly nude photos, extremely suggestive photos, or any variety of other offensive pictures?  I could spend all day asking questions…

I want to help break the silence!  Lifetime started by airing a movie about stillbirth called Return to Zero.  There are many organizations that support pregnancy and infant loss, yet no one seems to know about them.  Have you heard of:
 Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep  They provide professional photographs of babies who have passed while in the hospital- free of charge. I treasure my pictures of TJ more than words can describe!
Sweet Pea Project  The offer comfort, support, and guidance to grieving parents AND send blankets to hospitals so that grieving parents can have something that "belongs to baby"
 or  Held Your Whole Life?  This organization provides hand stamped personalized necklaces (for mom) and key chains (for dad).  Having something with your child's name can be helpful in feeling like they are not forgotten.
Again- I could list these for days… different organizations that raise funds to prevent any number of pregnancy complications that can occur...

March of Dimes is probably the best known organization that speaks to pregnancy and infant loss but that's because they fund research and have developed procedures that save babies- they aren't as known for the support they offer to grieving parents.

Those are just a few of the MANY "unknown" organizations that exist to support the 1 in 4 who know the heartache of this type of loss.


Here's how we are going to break the silence… instead of dumping a bucket of ice on my head- I'm heading to the local blood bank to make a donation (as soon as I am eligible to donate again).  A bucket of cold water doesn't do anything to help someone else… a needle and a half hour of your time can save up to 3 lives!

I challenge you to break the silence of the 1 in 4!  Make a blood donation or donate to one of the organizations above.  (Be a superstar and donate to all 4!)

Know someone who has lost a baby- Ask her how she is really doing.  Speak baby's name.  Give her a hug and let her know you haven't forgotten.
I promise you it will make the day of a mother of an angel baby!

I am reminded...

So I know I kinda fell off the face of the Earth... Life has been filled with lots of busyness... Most of it very positive... Cause you know... The whole teaching 2nd grade thing is amazing!  I have loved every minute of it and am dreading that the end is near.

In my absence from blogging there have been many reminders...

Reminders of why I have huge amounts of student loans- I LOVE teaching!

Reminders of why I love my husband- lots of laughs, snuggles and great times.

Reminders that I have the best friends- friends who rallied by my side to make sure I knew I was loved when I was deeply hurt by others...

Reminders that God answers prayers!  "Small prayers" have been answered when I needed it most.  

As we enter Easter weekend, I am reminded of something greater.  God's amazing LOVE.  A love so intense that he was willing to send his Son to die for you and me.  That's what Easter is all about.  We are celebrating the death of Jesus... Followed by his resurrection.  The conquering of sin.  The ultimate act of love.  

The whole Easter story has always seemed amazing to me.  But now it has so much more meaning... I now know what it's like to watch your son die... How hard it is... The hurt, pain, and torture you experience as the child you love so deeply slips away and there is nothing you can do.

Poor Mary... First she experienced the ridicule of being unwed and pregnant... And then 30ish years later she had to watch him die... For no fault of his own... And she could do nothing to save him...  I have a new appreciation for this amazing women.

And God... What an act of LOVE for us.  To send his son knowing he would be punished as an innocent man and sentenced to death... A death that would cover the fact that man chooses sin... 

I know the pain I've experienced.  I would not wish it upon my worst enemy... And yet God willingly took on that burden so that we- people like you and me- can know God's forgiveness.  That is Amazing Grace!  

God loves us so much that he sent his son to die as payment for our sins... Not just for the best of us... But for ALL of us!  It's kinda crazy amazing to think about- that I am loved... We are loved... YOU are loved that much!  

If you are looking for a place to hear about that Love... Your local church is a great place to start... Or check out LCBC Churchfor times/locations for their Easter gatherings.

And the bottom drops out...

With all that 2013 has thrown at me... I like to think that most days I'm doin' pretty good- able to laugh, smile and enjoy life as best I can... I try not to dwell on the part of my heart that is missing, on what "should be" or what's wrong with how things are now... Some days it's easier than others... But I'd say I have mostly good days.

In fact, this past weekend- I spent all of Thursday with family... I didn't join the crazies on Friday (in years past I have)... I spent Friday morning with my hubby and fur kid.  Friday afternoon I joined my mom and a bunch of other great ladies for hours of scrapbooking...

 After working on my still-in-progress wedding album for the past 3 years I have shifted gears and am making a book for all things TJ- from the minute we figured out I was possibly pregnant thru 1 month of survival after TJ became an angel...

Of anything I have done- creating his album is one of the most healing things... Second to (ok tied for first) support group.  I love looking at pictures of my sweet boy and remembering how full my heart felt knowing my dream of becoming a mother was finally going to happen.  Sometimes the tears flow- but there is always a smile on my face!  I love that the other "scrapers" will ask questions, want to look at pictures and hear his story... I feel like I fit right in... The other scrapper moms talk about their kids and I get to talk about mine... It's a happy heart time!  Saturday was more of the same followed by an evening with Matt.  Good days for sure.  

Side note: while all this was going on... My mind was slightly distracted... 

**Enter possible TMI** we've been "trying". Lots of calendar watching, ovulation tests, waiting... And unlike PRE-TJ my body seemed to finally get the clue that there is to be some regularity to things... So each month- like clockwork- we are reminded that there's no success... Until this month.

I was late... Testing negative... But that can happen... So we waited... Things started to mimic what happened just before we figured out I was pregnant with TJ (if you really want the details ask- otherwise I'll spare you) and I got my hopes up... Still testing negative but that's okay because I had a few more days until I reached the point where I had a positive test with TJ (mind you I didn't have a clue there was even a chance I was preggo with TJ so I could possibly have tested positive earlier- there is no way to know) so again I waited... 

Waited until Sunday morning...

Woke up.  Took a test. Negative. And I just sat there trying to get myself together, but I couldn't just sit there long cause Matt woke up (like most normal people do when they wake up) and wanted to use my "seat" 

**never again will I have a one potty house**

I returned to bed for some snuggles... And the bottom fell out... 

I was devastated, numb, sad... I just laid there... I wanted to cry but I was beyond tears... The negative combined with EVERYTHING else going on in life was just too much... Breaking point had been reached and I began to fall apart...

I don't remember what happened really… it's all a blur... I know that I couldn't get out of bed for our planned gym trip- not an "I don't want to go" but physically my body wouldn't move.  At some point I sobbed- the ugly, whole body, convulsing cry that you never want anyone to see... I fell asleep... I was useless.  I was in a dark, broken place.  A place I haven't experienced for months... It wasn't just a bad day- it was a horrible day...maybe making up for a lack of bad days... I don't know... But I do know I could do without ever going back there.  

Matt must have been scared- he refused to leave me alone... He finally used my 2 "weaknesses" to get me moving... The dog needed a walk and I needed to get myself together for Jcrew.  

I started to crawl out of the darkness and managed a walk with the fur kid and Matt.  I showered. And we headed to LCBC.  I had managed to find "bad day" status and headed into Jcrew.

Here I'd learn the awesomeness of the love of my LCBC family... The caring, love, prayers that they all showed... It was overwhelming.
We tell our Jcrew kids every week that they are loved. (period). This week that was acted out to me.  Loved even though I was in a dark place, prayed for even though it was a busy day, cared for with hugs, words of encouragement and genuine questions that sought honest answers... It didn't put me into my happy place- but it lifted most of the darkness…
I knew it wouldn't go away instantly or even overnight… in fact I was afraid I'd be stuck in darkness for days… but thanks to Matt and lots of others who love me… it didn't linger long.

I could function on Monday.  I even was able to smile a little when I visited a friend.  

And I scheduled an appointment with the doctor to try to figure out what is going on with my ridiculous body that can't get with the program... Hopefully I'll have some answers in the near future. 

For now... Much to my dismay... There won't be any awesome announcements this Christmas.  

And hopefully the bottom stays in for the remainder of the holiday season!

Counting my Blessings

A few weeks ago I mentioned here about participating in Count Your Blessings.
Over the past 4 weeks I have taken time each day to reflect on something that happened each day that I found to be a blessing, something I was thankful for.  It was a great way to focus on the positives as November 2013 didn't want to be left out of the crappiness that has been 2013 for me.  Some of the blessings I found were spurred by something specific while others were more of a blanket statement for things I'm thankful for.

1- My Hard Working Hubby: Matt works 2 jobs to support our family.  I am very thankful to be blessed with a man who has a passion for his career!  He puts in many hours so that I can continue to pursue my career in education by remaining a substitute teacher instead of finding any old fill time job.  There are many days that I wonder if Matt truly understands just how much I appreciate his hard work.

2- Snuggles in bed as a "family":  My favorite place to be is snuggled with my hubby and my dog.  (This was selected as my blessing when we still had our old Dutchess. As she started to go down hill I realized just how much I valued the stress-free moments of having my loved ones close.)

3- Great Friends (like Lauren) who make me laugh and I can spend hours talking with:  Lauren has been my buddy for years and although we don't see each other as much as I would like, or talk on any regular basis… I know that any time I spend interacting with Lauren will be filled with lots of laughs and good conversation! You can read about our awesome BINGO adventure here.

4- Jcrew 7th & 8th grade girls: These girls are amazing!!!  I love learning about them and having a chance to be a kid "do life together."  When I tell people I work with the middle school kids at LCBC the general response is one of "better you than me- middle school is such an odd/rough stage."  Let me tell you Middle School Makes My Day!

5- Dutchess:  She was my old girl, my BFF, and the first to know about sweet TJ.  Miss her to pieces!

6- Classroom's full of kids:  Teaching a classroom full of kids is one of my happy places.  I love to help them grow and learn.  I appreciate the innocence many of them still have and want to do all that I can to help them become cool people! I don't have parental permission to post pictures of the kids- but you know what a classroom of kids looks like.  

7- Time with Matt:  Between our work schedules, Matt and I can go a week of just passing each other.  I always love being with my hubby but appreciate it even more after a few days of quick kisses as we pass at the door.

8- Life Group:  We've been blessed to be a part of 2 life groups.  The first was together when our life was falling apart.  There was (I can see now) a clear purpose to us all being brought together… the purpose was served and we drifted apart (moving will do that ya know.)  We recently joined a new life group- it's a great fit for us… couples around our age, wanting to do life together.  It's been great!!!  The people in both life groups have been a real blessing to me!

 That's most of them anyway...

9- Friends Like K & S:   This great couple is just awesomely fun.  We've shared OBX trips with them… we found out we were pregnant at the same time they were (due 3 days apart)… and they experienced the loss of their little girl just 2 weeks before we lost TJ… I value their friendship tremendously and hope that one day soon we can both share that we're pregnant- and have a happy ending!  Out of respect for the privacy of my friends- you won't see their picture here.  

10- LCBC (specifically their "Be Rich" challenge): This will have an entire post.  LCBC is doing a series called "be rich"- I've taken it as a challenge to enhance the way I live.  The most remarkable thing about it is while they were challenging us to Give… NOT ONCE did they talk about giving to them… the focus was giving to others!  To combine the effort of everyone at LCBC to make BIG differences in the community.  It's been awesome!

11- Mom and Dad:  I have not always appreciated my parents… there was a point in my life where we did not see eye to eye and it was just bad… but this year- they've been pretty awesome.

12- Surprises:  It's not often that I'm pleasantly surprised… I'm normally the one doing the surprising.  This surprise was HUGE- a trip to Vegas.  It was really nice to be the one that was surprised.

13- Hard Workin Hubby: Must be important because it came up twice!  Our Vegas trip was sponsored by all of his hard work.  It helps that there was a backpay check too… My hubby works hard and I really appreciate what a blessing it is for our family.

14- God's beautiful Creations: As an adult I have a new appreciation for the magnificent beauty that our country holds.  In high school my family took 2 different "out west" trips to see many of the national parks… I thought it was cool but didn't completely appreciate what I was seeing.  Now that Matt and I are slowly exploring many of these places together I realize just how awesome "nature" can be.

15- Stacey & Joys of Life Scrapbooking:  This lady and her store… there is so much talent… She wrote a beautiful poem in honor of TJ (33 Minutes).  Stacey offered to hold a private class for my friends from my pregnancy & infant loss support group- attendance was not stellar but those of us who made it (I think) had a good time.  I know I got a lot out of our private journal creating time.

16- Operation Christmas Child: Take a shoebox, fill it with gifts, pay $7 to ship it and make a child in need feel like royalty.  It's an awesome program.  Matt and I made 2 boxes, one boy and one girl, and then I got to help LCBC York pack up all the shoeboxes to ship out… 606 from our branch… this was part of the Be Rich series and was really cool to see it all come together!

17- Gracious Friends: H & D are part of our life group, and we are on the meal ministry team at LCBC… I got a little excited and completely took their week.  Their gracious response was very much appreciated.

18- Clara: We had her for 2 days and we knew she was a perfect fit for us.  I'm enjoying having a normal dog again!  Confused about Clara? Meet Clara!

19- Power: It's something we all take for granted… until we don't have it!  I was teaching, went out to recess and when we came back in… power was out.  We made due but you really realize how much you use it when it's not there.  Yea- being able to read this should be "photo" enough

20- Teachers I work with: The teachers I have had the pleasure to work with are some of the most friendly and helpful that I have come across.  Didn't even make an attempt to gather all of the teachers from my favorite schools together… not happening...

21- Support Group: The phenomenal people in my pregnancy & infant loss support group have been life savers!  Their words of wisdom… sharing stories… working through our loss & grief… It's been helpful beyond words!  Sorry- no picture for this… the beauty of  support group is that we support each other with respect for privacy. 

22a- Wonderful Neighbors: Our neighbor H and her daughter E have gone above and beyond as our neighbors.  While I was in the hospital- they took care of Dutchess during the day so that Matt could be by my side.  They keep an eye out for us and we do the same for them… and if it's been too long since we've seen them… I just go to LCBC and I'll see them there.  I love knowing that we have great neighbors and have said on more than one occasion that when we buy a house- they need to buy the house next door!

22b- My Hubby's Caring Heart: There is a reason Matt is a Firefighter and Paramedic… he has the heart and skills to face the many things they have to face.  He never is completely off duty either… our "other" neighbors experienced an emergency situation recently- Matt picked up on it as the call to 911 was being made and he went into action offering all the assistance he could until more help/equipment had arrived.

Another example of Matt's caring heart- Love my hubby!

23- Grandma:  I Love my Grandma!!!  She has been there for me through thick and thin- always listening, understanding and loving.  I "hold her responsible" for my love for dogs, swimming and late nights.  Her house holds many fond memories for me… the best being my picture perfect wedding!

24- Friends- J and T:  This couple has faced challenges I can not even imagine… yet even in the midst of their challenges they have found a way to be a support to us as we endured our own struggles of life.  They were a part of the first life group and although we aren't officially in a life group together- we continue to do life together!

25- My Mom's family:  For as long as I can remember… my mom's family has always made being together a priority.  We celebrate holidays (even if it's a week or 2 early), have luau's, and just enjoy being a Christ loving family.  They always try to demonstrate their love for each member of the family- all 35 of us now.  The most remarkable thing about this family is the way they rally around family members as they face struggles- it's overwhelming in the best way possible.  Nan and Pap sure knew what they were doing to create a family this strong and loving!

(Left: Pap, Caleb and I in Pap's Backhoe many moons ago       Right: Nan and I at a Luau) 

26- Rose: This chic has been nothing shy of amazing… enough so that she will have her very own spotlight post in the near future… it's one you don't want to miss!

27a- Warm, Dry Home: In the midst of cold, wet, windy, nasty weather it's nice to know I have a warm, stable, dry home to come to.


27b- Generous friends:  I put a request out for a specific item a friend in need really needed… the responses I got from my friends was overwhelming.  To see that my friends will care for a "stranger" because it's someone I care for is heartwarming… and to see the extent that they will go to meet a need and then to go above and beyond… brings tears of joy to my eyes.

28- Good Food, Good Family:   Thanksgiving this year was filled with lots of good food and 14 members of my family. We prayed for my uncle who is just beginning a battle with leukemia, a cousin who is struggling and for a hope filled future, gave thanks for a warm, dry house filled with an abundance of delicious food, ate way too much, laughed until there were tears, remembered my angel baby, played games, and made memories.

I was too busy enjoying the day that I forgot to capture it in picture form…but for your viewing pleasure- This is the same family at a memorial day parade this year.  Always a good time!

I hope you were blessed with a thanksgiving celebration as wonderful as mine!

Let's be real- confession time

Let's take a minute (or 3) and be real… cause truth be told- I'm a real person and real people don't lead clean, perfectly organized lives… One of my favorite things about LCBC is that they know that life is messy!  And if you read the condensed version of my story you can see… my. life. is. messy.  (Still working on the additional parts of my story- writing about  your mess isn't easy!)
I've been working on trying to face some of that mess head on… sometimes it's by working through something I'm struggling with or facing a trigger…. today it's going to be by throwing out some of the messy truths of my life and mixing some fun randomness in as well….

Confession:  After holding my own child- a breathing, kicking, beautiful little boy- in my arms… I can not wait for the day that I have another baby of my own to hold.  Enough so that each month when I discover I'm not pregnant- I cry… and not just a few tears… it's a full out bawl- from the bottom of my heart… you know- the ugly cry… the kind you want no one to see… and that leaves you exhausted afterwards.

Confession:  I may have a small problem with shoes… I own 50 pairs… I can probably count on my fingers the number I have worn with any purpose in the last year… sadly most of the 50 pairs are either old navy flip flops or shoes that I have had since the pre-Matt days… I think I need to do some closet purging.

Confession:  When I got married I thought I knew who would be the Godmother of my children- someone who was like a sister to me… unfortunately that person has failed to even acknowledge that TJ existed… The days I needed her most it was too inconvenient for her to be there… to stay with Dutchess the night after TJ was born- so that Matt could be by my side in the hospital as I recovered from labor and serious infection… the day we celebrated TJ's life- because being uncomfortable with death is a reason to skip out on a few minutes of remembering and celebrating a child… I lack the words to even accurately describe the hurt- and I'm not sure how to even begin to heal the wounds left by this.

Confession:  I LOVE Clara… don't get me wrong- I miss Dutchess- she was my best friend during the hardest days of my life… but life with Clara is AMAZING.  She is almost perfect. (stay, come and life off a leash need some polishing yet) This dog is social, runs, and loves to just be with us.  She provides such simple joys like running on the rail trail, visits to grandmas and my fair share of space in bed… all things life with Dutchess lacked- at least lacked when Dutchess was involved.

Confession:  I need a gym buddy.  2 years ago an awesome friend helped Matt and I get "unfat"- neither of us had hit our goal- but we were well on our way and it felt amazing… and then life got crazy- I held my own for a while… managing not to pack the pounds back on… but that didn't last long… I'm not back up to where I was when I first started the adventure but it's getting scarily close… I worked so hard to find skinny… go so close… and let it all go… I desperately want to get skinny back.

Confession:  I am an emotional eater.  When I'm feeling crappy- horrible food soothes my soul… for a few minutes anyway… wanna know how I am feeling?  Watch me eat… care to know how the week is going?  look in my fridge… I would love to get back to the point where I go to the gym when I'm feeling down- but I HATE working out alone.  and honestly I'm still at a point where some days I don't want the world to see me- to see what the mess of life has turned me into… so instead of going to the gym- I stay home and eat…

Confession: Candy Crush… I'm addicted! It was a game I played while pregnant, especially for the week I was on bed rest.  I'd conquer levels as TJ kicked away… it was a mindless game that passed the hours when I was alone… now it's something that occupies my brain just enough to keep me from falling into darkness… I play and my mind is transferred back to a week where all I worried about was "baking my baby" for as long as possible…

Tell me one of your confessions… maybe it will free your mind!