My story- Part 3

My story- Part 3…
You can read part 1 here and part 2 here…
This part of my story is the hardest to tell- it makes me smile yet breaks my heart… it took over 2 weeks to write as I wanted it to be just right because it's really not my story… but the story of Tyler Jackson Dietrich.

I've always known I wanted to be a mom.  I love kids and dreamed of one day watching my own children grow up…  Matt and I decided to take our time starting a family… we got married, I was finishing my degree, we got to a relatively comfortable place financially, he was well established in his career and I was headed towards beginning mine… We thought we had all the pieces in place and were ready to add the final one- starting a family.  So, we started trying… At first it was simple- no more "preventing" pregnancy… after no luck we did some research and "stepped up our game"… still no luck so we met with my doctor to begin the process of searching for "the problem"…
As this was happening- the distance in our marriage was beginning… and the lack of success in getting pregnant was weighing heavily on us.
I went for blood work and learned I had an extremely low progesterone level- which could explain a lot of other things about me…. With that information we learned a few more tests would have to happen before we would have pregnancy success- That was the beginning of November; two and a half years into our attempt to get pregnant.  We decided to wait until after Christmas to continue the process…
In the mean time- the strain on our marriage intensifying- I continued to work towards finding a permanent teaching position.  As I shared in Part 2… I planned a trip to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.
While there I noticed things… and we joked that maybe I was pregnant but we knew it wasn't a possibility- I had bloodwork to prove it.  We came home, I prepared for a job interview, had the interview and accepted the job as a long term 4th grade substitute… but lingering in the back of my mind were the jokes of pregnancy from the DR… I took a test and for the first time ever- it was clear as day… I was pregnant!!!
I was ecstatic! For 2.5 years we had tried… and after we thought it wasn't possible- it was!  I told Matt and noticed his reserved excitement… my news had changed his plans… and like I said (in part 2) he is a good man… so we began to plan- how would we tell everyone, what would our future look like- work for me, do we buy a house, will we be able to work things out?
After our first visit to the OB, and our first picture of Baby Dietrich- we shared the news with our closest family and friends.  We kept the circle small, as "it's not safe to share your news until you have made it past the first trimester"…
Everything was great.  Tests came back normal, visits showed I was right on track and healthy, I hadn't gained any weight (I worked hard to make sure I ate healthy and continued to exercise), baby was growing just right.
I started teaching and loved every minute of having my own classroom.
Thursday evening (April 4) I noticed something had changed and it prompted a call to my mom- who called my dad… and then I made a call to the doctor on call… After freaking out to the doctor she told me it sounded like everything was alright as I didn't have any of the indicators that something might be wrong.  Her instructions included take it easy- sitting is best, drink extra water and if I'm really worried make a call to the office in the morning. I did just that- and with Matt's urging I demanded grabbed a mid-afternoon emergency (almost walk-in) appointment.  I left school early- cringing at the thought of leaving my classroom- and assured my principal that Matt and I would return after students had left so that I could prepare my room for PSSA's (you know the standardized tests we subject students to) so that I was ready to go on Monday.  Matt was going to separate desks and cover all posters while I sharpened pencils.
At the doctor's office we waited (you know the whole I demanded to be seen and they thought all was normal)… once we were ushered into our exam room- we explained it all… the midwife thought it was all very normal but agreed to do an internal exam to ease my mind… Her student began the procedure- her eyes got big and she called the midwife over… her eyes got big and she requested to get "the first doctor possible"… The doctor entered- there was whispering and hand gestures… Doctor looks- her eyes get big and sad… She told me to relax and Matt came to my side before she shared that I needed to be transported to the hospital because I was 3cm dilated and baby was pushing through…
Matt drove me the short distance, we went in a "special" entrance- security tried to tell us we were doing it wrong- and I was taken straight to labor & delivery.
The next few hours are a whirlwind.  I met with a doctor from my OB's office… I met with a specialist… and then a second specialist from her practice who was pulled from the office.  Got a sneak peak at Baby D… who was chillin' like a villain just like the doctor's wanted to see…

Excuse me while I step up on my soap box… I have no tolerance for people who complain about having to wait at the doctor to be told everything is just fine… I KNOW I made several doctors run late that day because they dropped everything to try to save my baby.  If the roles were reversed you would want them to make me wait so your precious cargo could get the care needed… to complain about your wait says "my time this morning/afternoon is more important than the wellbeing and life of your baby." Back off my soapbox…

Long and short of the next 24 hours was that we had surprised doctors that I did not go into labor.  After a variety of tests the only option was to put me on strict bed rest until baby arrived.  

They moved me to a room in the "tower" where I would live until baby was ready to join us.  Several friends visited us in the first week.  My mom's family made plans for "the long haul" (Matt and I set a goal of remaining on bed rest until July 4- remember I went in on April 4... That's a lot of time!) and we fell into status quo of doctors and nurses checking in, hearing baby D's heart beat twice a day, and "little" improvements/upgrades (that's a story for another day.). Everyday it was things were holding steady- baby was baking- carry on.  As a precaution Matt and I spoke with specialists to know what to expect if the worst case happened... We were prepared as best we could be... said lots of prayers asking  to make our stay as long as possible... And breathed a sigh of relief when the doctors  started talking about steroids- given at 24 weeks to help baby develop since we were expecting premature birth.  (Even making it to July 4 still meant baby D would be born almost 5 weeks early)that was Friday, April 12.  They would give the first dose Monday as I was showing signs of improvement.  

That evening after watching Big Bang Theory reruns with Matt- I sent him home to Dutchess as I dosed off to sleep.

At 3 am Saturday morning- I called in the nurses, who called in the doctors and then I called in Matt, who called in my parents.  Things were wrong.  I was cramping... Small contractions... But they subsided with extra fluid.  I went back to sleep, Matt took the couch, mom the rocking chair and dad went to work (being a night owl runs in the family).  

In the morning Mom and Matt took turns getting breakfast.  While Matt was having breakfast with my dad, things went downhill- fast.  

My water broke- but not in a gush like I'd been asked about by every nurse and doctor multiple times a day for the previous week... it was a trickle.  The contractions came back.  And eventually it was confirmed I was in labor.  

My room got packed up and I was transported back to labor and delivery.  

I was scared, afraid, exhausted, terrified, sad, unsure, lost, alone- but surrounded by loved ones... Everything was falling apart. 

I began labor knowing my baby would never leave with me- I was 23 weeks 5 days... The steroids didn't happen yet... There was no hope my baby would survive.  

I prepared to meet the child I had prayed for... That I wanted so badly... That I would have to say goodbye to... The child that I LOVED.

I listened to what the doctors told me to expect as things unfolded- What to Expect When You're Expecting had not prepared me for this yet... Actually it hasn't prepared me for any of the past week...

With my parents at my feet (In hindsight- who puts the parents/grandparents there?!?) and Matt by my side... more intense labor started.  

I had chills, I felt like I was on fire, I puked... I was really really sick... Turns out I was fighting a severe infection as I went into labor- one that had a midwife over see the baby and a MD in the room for me.

April 13, 2013 @ 1:17 pm Matt learned it was a boy (I didn't hear that part).
Tyler Jackson Dietrich (TJ).
1lb. 3.9oz.
11.75 inches.
Full head of dark hair.
10 Little fingers and 10 tiny toes.  

He grabbed my thumb, blew bubbles and kicked like a champ.

33 minutes later he breathed his last breaths.  Snuggled in my arms.  Surrounded by LOVE.

I wish I could tell you about those 33 minutes.  But the truth is I can not.  I remember very little- I remember the kicks. The hand on my thumb.  Kissing his soft head.  Telling him how much I love him.  Counting his fingers and toes. And the nurse listening for his last heart beats.  

Matt knows those 33 minutes well- I ask him to tell me about them as often as he can because I can't remember.  I was so sick that I spent most of my sons life too weak to commit my time with him to memory.  Infact I was unconscious for a good bit of that time. I struggle with the fact that I can't remember…
I hope one day Matt will guest post for me so you can have some insight as to how much love surrounded TJ in his short little life.

I can say in all honesty that was the best and worst day of my life thus far.  To welcome my first born into the world, see his precious face... Try to cram a lifetime of LOVE into an unknown short time frame... And then to have to say goodbye...

I wish you to never know the pain of saying goodbye to your child before you ever get to really say hello.  

It sucks.  

I have peace over what happened.  I know there is nothing I could have done differently to have prevented any of it from happening.
I know that my little angel is with Jesus and will greet me one day in heaven- that's something that gives me hope.

TJ's life was short but he will have a lasting effect on how I live my life.  

I give you this small glimpse of my angel baby.  A baby who was blessed enough to know nothing but LOVE.

Photo provided to us by Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.
Please consider making a donation in TJ's memory so that other infant loss parents may have the gift of beautiful photographs with their child too.