Gifts from above

If you've known me for any length of time I'm sure you've learned that I love to laugh and have a good time.  I'm guilty of using laughter as a defense mechanism and sometimes that causes me to come across as rude or semi-inappropriate... You know when you're out to dinner and someone says, "can I have..."  I respond "no!"

Life is better when you are having a good, fun time.

It's also no secret that the past year has been lacking in the "fun time category". Infact, I think it's fair to say the past year has far exceeded several years worth of "bawl your eyes out" moments.  

As we approached the holidays I felt like I was doing ok- holding my own... And then one day... It hit me.  I couldn't find my Christmas spirit and I started to fall back into "the fog" of grief.

I got myself together enough to do my shopping- and tried to cram as much as possible into one day.  

I saw a picture my friend Country Mouse posted on Instagram of her boys having a nerf battle and it got me thinking- I wanted to see Matt do that with our son... Only it would never happen.  With that picture in mind I made a random "on a whim" purchase at target as I rushed to finish shopping.  

Fast forward (through some rough days) to my day of wrapping- I wrapped that on a whim purchase and left it tag-less- the gift needed the perfect tag... So I thought and thought... On Christmas Eve it hit me... I ran my idea past a friend (to make sure I wasn't off my rocker) and got the thumbs up from her... So I created the tag. (Please forgive the lack of photos- I was too busy enjoying the moments that followed)

A stack of 4 identical packages were tied together and labeled with one tag:

To: Gramps, Dad, Uncle Caleb and Uncle Ryan

From: TJ

Heaven is a blast!  Have some fun!

Later that night I arrived at my parents for our annual family Christmas.  (Matt was serving at LCBC and would join us after the Christmas Eve gatherings.). I carefully added my gifts to the pile under the tree and joined my family for quality time together.  We talked, ate and then gathered around the tree to read some of the real Christmas story and begin exchanging gifts.  The pile of packages stayed in place until Matt joined us... My dad picked it up and with uncertainty asked if it was okay to open this gift.  He read the tag aloud and then handed each of the boys one carefully wrapped parcel.  

Together they tore into the wrapping paper to reveal a nerf gun.  The race was on to see who could free their gun and ammo from the package first.  Mom provided the blow by blow commentary and quickly all 4 boys were armed and firing across the room.  No one (not even the guest of the evening) was safe from the attack.  

When the initial battle was over and ammo had been collected we continued on with our Christmas traditions... Now laced with random nerf arrows flying across the room.  

It was just what I had envisioned... Fun-filled laughing... A true gift from my angel who I'm missing this holiday season.  

The evening came to a close... The ammo was all accounted for- although at least one piece is safely resting out of harms way until the tree comes down- and we gathered our things to return home.   The nerf guns all stayed at mom and dad's for future battles... Future gifts of laughter... For tonight they served their purpose as they brought fun and laughter that Matt and I so very much needed.

Merry Christmas!!!

My story- Part 3

My story- Part 3…
You can read part 1 here and part 2 here…
This part of my story is the hardest to tell- it makes me smile yet breaks my heart… it took over 2 weeks to write as I wanted it to be just right because it's really not my story… but the story of Tyler Jackson Dietrich.

I've always known I wanted to be a mom.  I love kids and dreamed of one day watching my own children grow up…  Matt and I decided to take our time starting a family… we got married, I was finishing my degree, we got to a relatively comfortable place financially, he was well established in his career and I was headed towards beginning mine… We thought we had all the pieces in place and were ready to add the final one- starting a family.  So, we started trying… At first it was simple- no more "preventing" pregnancy… after no luck we did some research and "stepped up our game"… still no luck so we met with my doctor to begin the process of searching for "the problem"…
As this was happening- the distance in our marriage was beginning… and the lack of success in getting pregnant was weighing heavily on us.
I went for blood work and learned I had an extremely low progesterone level- which could explain a lot of other things about me…. With that information we learned a few more tests would have to happen before we would have pregnancy success- That was the beginning of November; two and a half years into our attempt to get pregnant.  We decided to wait until after Christmas to continue the process…
In the mean time- the strain on our marriage intensifying- I continued to work towards finding a permanent teaching position.  As I shared in Part 2… I planned a trip to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.
While there I noticed things… and we joked that maybe I was pregnant but we knew it wasn't a possibility- I had bloodwork to prove it.  We came home, I prepared for a job interview, had the interview and accepted the job as a long term 4th grade substitute… but lingering in the back of my mind were the jokes of pregnancy from the DR… I took a test and for the first time ever- it was clear as day… I was pregnant!!!
I was ecstatic! For 2.5 years we had tried… and after we thought it wasn't possible- it was!  I told Matt and noticed his reserved excitement… my news had changed his plans… and like I said (in part 2) he is a good man… so we began to plan- how would we tell everyone, what would our future look like- work for me, do we buy a house, will we be able to work things out?
After our first visit to the OB, and our first picture of Baby Dietrich- we shared the news with our closest family and friends.  We kept the circle small, as "it's not safe to share your news until you have made it past the first trimester"…
Everything was great.  Tests came back normal, visits showed I was right on track and healthy, I hadn't gained any weight (I worked hard to make sure I ate healthy and continued to exercise), baby was growing just right.
I started teaching and loved every minute of having my own classroom.
Thursday evening (April 4) I noticed something had changed and it prompted a call to my mom- who called my dad… and then I made a call to the doctor on call… After freaking out to the doctor she told me it sounded like everything was alright as I didn't have any of the indicators that something might be wrong.  Her instructions included take it easy- sitting is best, drink extra water and if I'm really worried make a call to the office in the morning. I did just that- and with Matt's urging I demanded grabbed a mid-afternoon emergency (almost walk-in) appointment.  I left school early- cringing at the thought of leaving my classroom- and assured my principal that Matt and I would return after students had left so that I could prepare my room for PSSA's (you know the standardized tests we subject students to) so that I was ready to go on Monday.  Matt was going to separate desks and cover all posters while I sharpened pencils.
At the doctor's office we waited (you know the whole I demanded to be seen and they thought all was normal)… once we were ushered into our exam room- we explained it all… the midwife thought it was all very normal but agreed to do an internal exam to ease my mind… Her student began the procedure- her eyes got big and she called the midwife over… her eyes got big and she requested to get "the first doctor possible"… The doctor entered- there was whispering and hand gestures… Doctor looks- her eyes get big and sad… She told me to relax and Matt came to my side before she shared that I needed to be transported to the hospital because I was 3cm dilated and baby was pushing through…
Matt drove me the short distance, we went in a "special" entrance- security tried to tell us we were doing it wrong- and I was taken straight to labor & delivery.
The next few hours are a whirlwind.  I met with a doctor from my OB's office… I met with a specialist… and then a second specialist from her practice who was pulled from the office.  Got a sneak peak at Baby D… who was chillin' like a villain just like the doctor's wanted to see…

Excuse me while I step up on my soap box… I have no tolerance for people who complain about having to wait at the doctor to be told everything is just fine… I KNOW I made several doctors run late that day because they dropped everything to try to save my baby.  If the roles were reversed you would want them to make me wait so your precious cargo could get the care needed… to complain about your wait says "my time this morning/afternoon is more important than the wellbeing and life of your baby." Back off my soapbox…

Long and short of the next 24 hours was that we had surprised doctors that I did not go into labor.  After a variety of tests the only option was to put me on strict bed rest until baby arrived.  

They moved me to a room in the "tower" where I would live until baby was ready to join us.  Several friends visited us in the first week.  My mom's family made plans for "the long haul" (Matt and I set a goal of remaining on bed rest until July 4- remember I went in on April 4... That's a lot of time!) and we fell into status quo of doctors and nurses checking in, hearing baby D's heart beat twice a day, and "little" improvements/upgrades (that's a story for another day.). Everyday it was things were holding steady- baby was baking- carry on.  As a precaution Matt and I spoke with specialists to know what to expect if the worst case happened... We were prepared as best we could be... said lots of prayers asking  to make our stay as long as possible... And breathed a sigh of relief when the doctors  started talking about steroids- given at 24 weeks to help baby develop since we were expecting premature birth.  (Even making it to July 4 still meant baby D would be born almost 5 weeks early)that was Friday, April 12.  They would give the first dose Monday as I was showing signs of improvement.  

That evening after watching Big Bang Theory reruns with Matt- I sent him home to Dutchess as I dosed off to sleep.

At 3 am Saturday morning- I called in the nurses, who called in the doctors and then I called in Matt, who called in my parents.  Things were wrong.  I was cramping... Small contractions... But they subsided with extra fluid.  I went back to sleep, Matt took the couch, mom the rocking chair and dad went to work (being a night owl runs in the family).  

In the morning Mom and Matt took turns getting breakfast.  While Matt was having breakfast with my dad, things went downhill- fast.  

My water broke- but not in a gush like I'd been asked about by every nurse and doctor multiple times a day for the previous week... it was a trickle.  The contractions came back.  And eventually it was confirmed I was in labor.  

My room got packed up and I was transported back to labor and delivery.  

I was scared, afraid, exhausted, terrified, sad, unsure, lost, alone- but surrounded by loved ones... Everything was falling apart. 

I began labor knowing my baby would never leave with me- I was 23 weeks 5 days... The steroids didn't happen yet... There was no hope my baby would survive.  

I prepared to meet the child I had prayed for... That I wanted so badly... That I would have to say goodbye to... The child that I LOVED.

I listened to what the doctors told me to expect as things unfolded- What to Expect When You're Expecting had not prepared me for this yet... Actually it hasn't prepared me for any of the past week...

With my parents at my feet (In hindsight- who puts the parents/grandparents there?!?) and Matt by my side... more intense labor started.  

I had chills, I felt like I was on fire, I puked... I was really really sick... Turns out I was fighting a severe infection as I went into labor- one that had a midwife over see the baby and a MD in the room for me.

April 13, 2013 @ 1:17 pm Matt learned it was a boy (I didn't hear that part).
Tyler Jackson Dietrich (TJ).
1lb. 3.9oz.
11.75 inches.
Full head of dark hair.
10 Little fingers and 10 tiny toes.  

He grabbed my thumb, blew bubbles and kicked like a champ.

33 minutes later he breathed his last breaths.  Snuggled in my arms.  Surrounded by LOVE.

I wish I could tell you about those 33 minutes.  But the truth is I can not.  I remember very little- I remember the kicks. The hand on my thumb.  Kissing his soft head.  Telling him how much I love him.  Counting his fingers and toes. And the nurse listening for his last heart beats.  

Matt knows those 33 minutes well- I ask him to tell me about them as often as he can because I can't remember.  I was so sick that I spent most of my sons life too weak to commit my time with him to memory.  Infact I was unconscious for a good bit of that time. I struggle with the fact that I can't remember…
I hope one day Matt will guest post for me so you can have some insight as to how much love surrounded TJ in his short little life.

I can say in all honesty that was the best and worst day of my life thus far.  To welcome my first born into the world, see his precious face... Try to cram a lifetime of LOVE into an unknown short time frame... And then to have to say goodbye...

I wish you to never know the pain of saying goodbye to your child before you ever get to really say hello.  

It sucks.  

I have peace over what happened.  I know there is nothing I could have done differently to have prevented any of it from happening.
I know that my little angel is with Jesus and will greet me one day in heaven- that's something that gives me hope.

TJ's life was short but he will have a lasting effect on how I live my life.  

I give you this small glimpse of my angel baby.  A baby who was blessed enough to know nothing but LOVE.

Photo provided to us by Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.
Please consider making a donation in TJ's memory so that other infant loss parents may have the gift of beautiful photographs with their child too.

And the bottom drops out...

With all that 2013 has thrown at me... I like to think that most days I'm doin' pretty good- able to laugh, smile and enjoy life as best I can... I try not to dwell on the part of my heart that is missing, on what "should be" or what's wrong with how things are now... Some days it's easier than others... But I'd say I have mostly good days.

In fact, this past weekend- I spent all of Thursday with family... I didn't join the crazies on Friday (in years past I have)... I spent Friday morning with my hubby and fur kid.  Friday afternoon I joined my mom and a bunch of other great ladies for hours of scrapbooking...

 After working on my still-in-progress wedding album for the past 3 years I have shifted gears and am making a book for all things TJ- from the minute we figured out I was possibly pregnant thru 1 month of survival after TJ became an angel...

Of anything I have done- creating his album is one of the most healing things... Second to (ok tied for first) support group.  I love looking at pictures of my sweet boy and remembering how full my heart felt knowing my dream of becoming a mother was finally going to happen.  Sometimes the tears flow- but there is always a smile on my face!  I love that the other "scrapers" will ask questions, want to look at pictures and hear his story... I feel like I fit right in... The other scrapper moms talk about their kids and I get to talk about mine... It's a happy heart time!  Saturday was more of the same followed by an evening with Matt.  Good days for sure.  

Side note: while all this was going on... My mind was slightly distracted... 

**Enter possible TMI** we've been "trying". Lots of calendar watching, ovulation tests, waiting... And unlike PRE-TJ my body seemed to finally get the clue that there is to be some regularity to things... So each month- like clockwork- we are reminded that there's no success... Until this month.

I was late... Testing negative... But that can happen... So we waited... Things started to mimic what happened just before we figured out I was pregnant with TJ (if you really want the details ask- otherwise I'll spare you) and I got my hopes up... Still testing negative but that's okay because I had a few more days until I reached the point where I had a positive test with TJ (mind you I didn't have a clue there was even a chance I was preggo with TJ so I could possibly have tested positive earlier- there is no way to know) so again I waited... 

Waited until Sunday morning...

Woke up.  Took a test. Negative. And I just sat there trying to get myself together, but I couldn't just sit there long cause Matt woke up (like most normal people do when they wake up) and wanted to use my "seat" 

**never again will I have a one potty house**

I returned to bed for some snuggles... And the bottom fell out... 

I was devastated, numb, sad... I just laid there... I wanted to cry but I was beyond tears... The negative combined with EVERYTHING else going on in life was just too much... Breaking point had been reached and I began to fall apart...

I don't remember what happened really… it's all a blur... I know that I couldn't get out of bed for our planned gym trip- not an "I don't want to go" but physically my body wouldn't move.  At some point I sobbed- the ugly, whole body, convulsing cry that you never want anyone to see... I fell asleep... I was useless.  I was in a dark, broken place.  A place I haven't experienced for months... It wasn't just a bad day- it was a horrible day...maybe making up for a lack of bad days... I don't know... But I do know I could do without ever going back there.  

Matt must have been scared- he refused to leave me alone... He finally used my 2 "weaknesses" to get me moving... The dog needed a walk and I needed to get myself together for Jcrew.  

I started to crawl out of the darkness and managed a walk with the fur kid and Matt.  I showered. And we headed to LCBC.  I had managed to find "bad day" status and headed into Jcrew.

Here I'd learn the awesomeness of the love of my LCBC family... The caring, love, prayers that they all showed... It was overwhelming.
We tell our Jcrew kids every week that they are loved. (period). This week that was acted out to me.  Loved even though I was in a dark place, prayed for even though it was a busy day, cared for with hugs, words of encouragement and genuine questions that sought honest answers... It didn't put me into my happy place- but it lifted most of the darkness…
I knew it wouldn't go away instantly or even overnight… in fact I was afraid I'd be stuck in darkness for days… but thanks to Matt and lots of others who love me… it didn't linger long.

I could function on Monday.  I even was able to smile a little when I visited a friend.  

And I scheduled an appointment with the doctor to try to figure out what is going on with my ridiculous body that can't get with the program... Hopefully I'll have some answers in the near future. 

For now... Much to my dismay... There won't be any awesome announcements this Christmas.  

And hopefully the bottom stays in for the remainder of the holiday season!

Counting my Blessings

A few weeks ago I mentioned here about participating in Count Your Blessings.
Over the past 4 weeks I have taken time each day to reflect on something that happened each day that I found to be a blessing, something I was thankful for.  It was a great way to focus on the positives as November 2013 didn't want to be left out of the crappiness that has been 2013 for me.  Some of the blessings I found were spurred by something specific while others were more of a blanket statement for things I'm thankful for.

1- My Hard Working Hubby: Matt works 2 jobs to support our family.  I am very thankful to be blessed with a man who has a passion for his career!  He puts in many hours so that I can continue to pursue my career in education by remaining a substitute teacher instead of finding any old fill time job.  There are many days that I wonder if Matt truly understands just how much I appreciate his hard work.

2- Snuggles in bed as a "family":  My favorite place to be is snuggled with my hubby and my dog.  (This was selected as my blessing when we still had our old Dutchess. As she started to go down hill I realized just how much I valued the stress-free moments of having my loved ones close.)

3- Great Friends (like Lauren) who make me laugh and I can spend hours talking with:  Lauren has been my buddy for years and although we don't see each other as much as I would like, or talk on any regular basis… I know that any time I spend interacting with Lauren will be filled with lots of laughs and good conversation! You can read about our awesome BINGO adventure here.

4- Jcrew 7th & 8th grade girls: These girls are amazing!!!  I love learning about them and having a chance to be a kid "do life together."  When I tell people I work with the middle school kids at LCBC the general response is one of "better you than me- middle school is such an odd/rough stage."  Let me tell you Middle School Makes My Day!

5- Dutchess:  She was my old girl, my BFF, and the first to know about sweet TJ.  Miss her to pieces!

6- Classroom's full of kids:  Teaching a classroom full of kids is one of my happy places.  I love to help them grow and learn.  I appreciate the innocence many of them still have and want to do all that I can to help them become cool people! I don't have parental permission to post pictures of the kids- but you know what a classroom of kids looks like.  

7- Time with Matt:  Between our work schedules, Matt and I can go a week of just passing each other.  I always love being with my hubby but appreciate it even more after a few days of quick kisses as we pass at the door.

8- Life Group:  We've been blessed to be a part of 2 life groups.  The first was together when our life was falling apart.  There was (I can see now) a clear purpose to us all being brought together… the purpose was served and we drifted apart (moving will do that ya know.)  We recently joined a new life group- it's a great fit for us… couples around our age, wanting to do life together.  It's been great!!!  The people in both life groups have been a real blessing to me!

 That's most of them anyway...

9- Friends Like K & S:   This great couple is just awesomely fun.  We've shared OBX trips with them… we found out we were pregnant at the same time they were (due 3 days apart)… and they experienced the loss of their little girl just 2 weeks before we lost TJ… I value their friendship tremendously and hope that one day soon we can both share that we're pregnant- and have a happy ending!  Out of respect for the privacy of my friends- you won't see their picture here.  

10- LCBC (specifically their "Be Rich" challenge): This will have an entire post.  LCBC is doing a series called "be rich"- I've taken it as a challenge to enhance the way I live.  The most remarkable thing about it is while they were challenging us to Give… NOT ONCE did they talk about giving to them… the focus was giving to others!  To combine the effort of everyone at LCBC to make BIG differences in the community.  It's been awesome!

11- Mom and Dad:  I have not always appreciated my parents… there was a point in my life where we did not see eye to eye and it was just bad… but this year- they've been pretty awesome.

12- Surprises:  It's not often that I'm pleasantly surprised… I'm normally the one doing the surprising.  This surprise was HUGE- a trip to Vegas.  It was really nice to be the one that was surprised.

13- Hard Workin Hubby: Must be important because it came up twice!  Our Vegas trip was sponsored by all of his hard work.  It helps that there was a backpay check too… My hubby works hard and I really appreciate what a blessing it is for our family.

14- God's beautiful Creations: As an adult I have a new appreciation for the magnificent beauty that our country holds.  In high school my family took 2 different "out west" trips to see many of the national parks… I thought it was cool but didn't completely appreciate what I was seeing.  Now that Matt and I are slowly exploring many of these places together I realize just how awesome "nature" can be.

15- Stacey & Joys of Life Scrapbooking:  This lady and her store… there is so much talent… She wrote a beautiful poem in honor of TJ (33 Minutes).  Stacey offered to hold a private class for my friends from my pregnancy & infant loss support group- attendance was not stellar but those of us who made it (I think) had a good time.  I know I got a lot out of our private journal creating time.

16- Operation Christmas Child: Take a shoebox, fill it with gifts, pay $7 to ship it and make a child in need feel like royalty.  It's an awesome program.  Matt and I made 2 boxes, one boy and one girl, and then I got to help LCBC York pack up all the shoeboxes to ship out… 606 from our branch… this was part of the Be Rich series and was really cool to see it all come together!

17- Gracious Friends: H & D are part of our life group, and we are on the meal ministry team at LCBC… I got a little excited and completely took their week.  Their gracious response was very much appreciated.

18- Clara: We had her for 2 days and we knew she was a perfect fit for us.  I'm enjoying having a normal dog again!  Confused about Clara? Meet Clara!

19- Power: It's something we all take for granted… until we don't have it!  I was teaching, went out to recess and when we came back in… power was out.  We made due but you really realize how much you use it when it's not there.  Yea- being able to read this should be "photo" enough

20- Teachers I work with: The teachers I have had the pleasure to work with are some of the most friendly and helpful that I have come across.  Didn't even make an attempt to gather all of the teachers from my favorite schools together… not happening...

21- Support Group: The phenomenal people in my pregnancy & infant loss support group have been life savers!  Their words of wisdom… sharing stories… working through our loss & grief… It's been helpful beyond words!  Sorry- no picture for this… the beauty of  support group is that we support each other with respect for privacy. 

22a- Wonderful Neighbors: Our neighbor H and her daughter E have gone above and beyond as our neighbors.  While I was in the hospital- they took care of Dutchess during the day so that Matt could be by my side.  They keep an eye out for us and we do the same for them… and if it's been too long since we've seen them… I just go to LCBC and I'll see them there.  I love knowing that we have great neighbors and have said on more than one occasion that when we buy a house- they need to buy the house next door!

22b- My Hubby's Caring Heart: There is a reason Matt is a Firefighter and Paramedic… he has the heart and skills to face the many things they have to face.  He never is completely off duty either… our "other" neighbors experienced an emergency situation recently- Matt picked up on it as the call to 911 was being made and he went into action offering all the assistance he could until more help/equipment had arrived.

Another example of Matt's caring heart- Love my hubby!

23- Grandma:  I Love my Grandma!!!  She has been there for me through thick and thin- always listening, understanding and loving.  I "hold her responsible" for my love for dogs, swimming and late nights.  Her house holds many fond memories for me… the best being my picture perfect wedding!

24- Friends- J and T:  This couple has faced challenges I can not even imagine… yet even in the midst of their challenges they have found a way to be a support to us as we endured our own struggles of life.  They were a part of the first life group and although we aren't officially in a life group together- we continue to do life together!

25- My Mom's family:  For as long as I can remember… my mom's family has always made being together a priority.  We celebrate holidays (even if it's a week or 2 early), have luau's, and just enjoy being a Christ loving family.  They always try to demonstrate their love for each member of the family- all 35 of us now.  The most remarkable thing about this family is the way they rally around family members as they face struggles- it's overwhelming in the best way possible.  Nan and Pap sure knew what they were doing to create a family this strong and loving!

(Left: Pap, Caleb and I in Pap's Backhoe many moons ago       Right: Nan and I at a Luau) 

26- Rose: This chic has been nothing shy of amazing… enough so that she will have her very own spotlight post in the near future… it's one you don't want to miss!

27a- Warm, Dry Home: In the midst of cold, wet, windy, nasty weather it's nice to know I have a warm, stable, dry home to come to.


27b- Generous friends:  I put a request out for a specific item a friend in need really needed… the responses I got from my friends was overwhelming.  To see that my friends will care for a "stranger" because it's someone I care for is heartwarming… and to see the extent that they will go to meet a need and then to go above and beyond… brings tears of joy to my eyes.

28- Good Food, Good Family:   Thanksgiving this year was filled with lots of good food and 14 members of my family. We prayed for my uncle who is just beginning a battle with leukemia, a cousin who is struggling and for a hope filled future, gave thanks for a warm, dry house filled with an abundance of delicious food, ate way too much, laughed until there were tears, remembered my angel baby, played games, and made memories.

I was too busy enjoying the day that I forgot to capture it in picture form…but for your viewing pleasure- This is the same family at a memorial day parade this year.  Always a good time!

I hope you were blessed with a thanksgiving celebration as wonderful as mine!