And the bottom drops out...

With all that 2013 has thrown at me... I like to think that most days I'm doin' pretty good- able to laugh, smile and enjoy life as best I can... I try not to dwell on the part of my heart that is missing, on what "should be" or what's wrong with how things are now... Some days it's easier than others... But I'd say I have mostly good days.

In fact, this past weekend- I spent all of Thursday with family... I didn't join the crazies on Friday (in years past I have)... I spent Friday morning with my hubby and fur kid.  Friday afternoon I joined my mom and a bunch of other great ladies for hours of scrapbooking...

 After working on my still-in-progress wedding album for the past 3 years I have shifted gears and am making a book for all things TJ- from the minute we figured out I was possibly pregnant thru 1 month of survival after TJ became an angel...

Of anything I have done- creating his album is one of the most healing things... Second to (ok tied for first) support group.  I love looking at pictures of my sweet boy and remembering how full my heart felt knowing my dream of becoming a mother was finally going to happen.  Sometimes the tears flow- but there is always a smile on my face!  I love that the other "scrapers" will ask questions, want to look at pictures and hear his story... I feel like I fit right in... The other scrapper moms talk about their kids and I get to talk about mine... It's a happy heart time!  Saturday was more of the same followed by an evening with Matt.  Good days for sure.  

Side note: while all this was going on... My mind was slightly distracted... 

**Enter possible TMI** we've been "trying". Lots of calendar watching, ovulation tests, waiting... And unlike PRE-TJ my body seemed to finally get the clue that there is to be some regularity to things... So each month- like clockwork- we are reminded that there's no success... Until this month.

I was late... Testing negative... But that can happen... So we waited... Things started to mimic what happened just before we figured out I was pregnant with TJ (if you really want the details ask- otherwise I'll spare you) and I got my hopes up... Still testing negative but that's okay because I had a few more days until I reached the point where I had a positive test with TJ (mind you I didn't have a clue there was even a chance I was preggo with TJ so I could possibly have tested positive earlier- there is no way to know) so again I waited... 

Waited until Sunday morning...

Woke up.  Took a test. Negative. And I just sat there trying to get myself together, but I couldn't just sit there long cause Matt woke up (like most normal people do when they wake up) and wanted to use my "seat" 

**never again will I have a one potty house**

I returned to bed for some snuggles... And the bottom fell out... 

I was devastated, numb, sad... I just laid there... I wanted to cry but I was beyond tears... The negative combined with EVERYTHING else going on in life was just too much... Breaking point had been reached and I began to fall apart...

I don't remember what happened really… it's all a blur... I know that I couldn't get out of bed for our planned gym trip- not an "I don't want to go" but physically my body wouldn't move.  At some point I sobbed- the ugly, whole body, convulsing cry that you never want anyone to see... I fell asleep... I was useless.  I was in a dark, broken place.  A place I haven't experienced for months... It wasn't just a bad day- it was a horrible day...maybe making up for a lack of bad days... I don't know... But I do know I could do without ever going back there.  

Matt must have been scared- he refused to leave me alone... He finally used my 2 "weaknesses" to get me moving... The dog needed a walk and I needed to get myself together for Jcrew.  

I started to crawl out of the darkness and managed a walk with the fur kid and Matt.  I showered. And we headed to LCBC.  I had managed to find "bad day" status and headed into Jcrew.

Here I'd learn the awesomeness of the love of my LCBC family... The caring, love, prayers that they all showed... It was overwhelming.
We tell our Jcrew kids every week that they are loved. (period). This week that was acted out to me.  Loved even though I was in a dark place, prayed for even though it was a busy day, cared for with hugs, words of encouragement and genuine questions that sought honest answers... It didn't put me into my happy place- but it lifted most of the darkness…
I knew it wouldn't go away instantly or even overnight… in fact I was afraid I'd be stuck in darkness for days… but thanks to Matt and lots of others who love me… it didn't linger long.

I could function on Monday.  I even was able to smile a little when I visited a friend.  

And I scheduled an appointment with the doctor to try to figure out what is going on with my ridiculous body that can't get with the program... Hopefully I'll have some answers in the near future. 

For now... Much to my dismay... There won't be any awesome announcements this Christmas.  

And hopefully the bottom stays in for the remainder of the holiday season!