Not so first day of school

After almost 3 years of hibernating, I’m back and there is MUCH to catch up on- another day... for now this angel mama is just sharing her heart in the moment.
Today I headed into school for my “not so first” day of school.  13 years of grade school, 5.5 years of college, and 3 years as the teacher leave me no stranger to ALL the nerves of the first day of school.
Only this year is incredibly different... this should have been my year to be THAT parent.  You know- proudly posting all the photos of your perfectly dressed kindergarten student ready to begin a bold new adventure.  But I’m not. And no one accurately prepared me for the FLOOD OF EMOTIONS that would arrive as this day approached.
I was so caught off guard- it just kind of snuck up that the day is here.  And I had nothing!
In the past, I’ve done things to set myself up for success on days that I know might be hard.  We did a trip to Hershey Park on TJ’s due date...  A trip to the zoo, balloons, or cake on an angelversary... Gifts from our angel that first Christmas and an ornament on the tree each year... I try to have something to put some happy when I know my heart will especially be hurting.
And. I. Failed. To put some happy in place for the first day of school.
Last night I went to bed in tears.  My baby should be “all grown up”, there will be no pictures- just like all the other missing pictures from these past 5 years- and to top it off I did nothing to prepare.
Life has been busy- TJ’s very busy sister has kept me on my toes.  I am setting up a classroom for the short-term subbing job I’m currently working. Matt is working extra hard to support our family since I have become a stay at home mom (minus that 3 week position)...
In those tears- crying to God to comfort my hurting heart- I started searching, praying for SOMETHING... cue the frantic search- googling for verses, randomly clicking in the Bible app and praying for a verse to speak to me... nothing was fitting what my heart needed but I got myself under control and resorted to setting the alarm and attempting sleep.
Just when I gave up- God stepped in.  I remembered an email for an early morning prayer meeting and also an article I had shared on Facebook a few days prior... with a plan, I drifted off to sleep as I prayed for strength to make it through the day.
The alarm clock rudely woke me a little earlier than normal so I could head to the meeting.  The toddler was full of extra snuggles as we loaded into the car and set out for our day. A quick stop at the babysitter, and then I headed to school.  Looking for a pick me up, I switched to the local Christian Radio station and heard words that have soothed my heart time and time again:

I squeezed into a circle of teachers who had gathered to pray for the school year- the students, the staff, the parents.  Before we headed back to our classrooms to kick the new year, I shared that article with the group.  1 Corinthians 13 for teachers  A new twist on some of my favorite verses and a refreshing reminder minutes before the bell rang.
Then they arrived- and the day got busy.  For a brief moment I shared my heavy heart with a friend- shed a few tears and appreciated the hug she offered as we rushed to the next task.
And God showed up!  In a room of 400ish 7th graders, I saw faces of students from a long term sub job years ago, and then there was L.  L is the son of a teacher friend.  (We taught across the hall from each other and kept each other sane when elementary school had it's moments.)  I took a seat next to him and snapped a selfie to share with his mom.  Not quite the 1st day of Kindergarten picture I was missing, but a moment captured with a genuine smile.

The day was busy.  I didn't have time to think about what was missing.  Until 5th period.  We had some extra time and played a getting to know you game.  When asked how many siblings you have, one student expressed confusing because he had a brother who had died.  Immediately those around him came to the consensus that this student needed to count his brother because "he still lives in your heart"- words of a 7th grade boy.  Even in all the 7th grade awkwardness- wow.  A few questions later, I had a the opportunity to speak privately with the student and express my condolences for the loss of his brother.  And again God showed up.  This student shared that he never knew his brother because he died when he was born, and he shrugged.  I reinforced what the classmate had said earlier, that he's still a brother and I was sorry for his loss.  This student continued to share with me that this brother was named Tyler.

Hold. The. Phone.  Yeah.  And just like that, the heartache was replaced with some warm fuzzy...

Thank you God for that sweet moment.

The rest of the day was just busy.  Nothing remarkable just a busy first day of school.

God knew I what I needed even when I hadn't prepared for it.  Friendly faces, busy doing what I love, and just enough reminders that my angel was all ready for his first day of school!

Elvis & sinking deep

So it's been forever.  Hello life! 

(Before we even begin- this post was written in October of 2015...)
Truth is my absence hasn't been completely due to things being busy... I've thought about blogging... written a few posts... and then after taking my normal "write a post, sleep on it, publish it later" process I realize it's just not how I want it to be- I couldn't find the right words.
And then I listened to Elvis Duran on the way to school the other morning. Normally his topics during my commute make me giggle, but on this day I wanted to throw my shoe at him!  The topic was about needing to push "negative" people out of your life.  At first I totally agreed- let the people go who make no attempt to be in your life.  (You know, the friend who found a new friend and now has no time for you unless they need you to do something that benefits only them...) They started taking calls and I don't remember what triggered it- but I realized how VERY WRONG pushing all negative people out of your life is.
Begin self reflection... I've been that negative person for the larger part of the past two and a half years... it's not on purpose, I'm not happy about it, I want to change that, I try to change it.  I've had moments of brightness... I've been through more in 2.5 years than most people could handle in a lifetime.  I'm a stronger person now... but the bubbly Bekah had her bubble burst.
I'm the friend who needs you to call me. Needs you to make the plans.  Needs you to go above and beyond to let me know I'm loved.  I'm also the person who takes everything incredibly personally.  And in my current state- anything that I love that is taken from me is a huge loss.  I'm the needy friend right now.  I'm also the friend who will drop everything when you get heartwrenching news and do whatever I can to help you.
According to Elvis- I should be pushed out of your life so that you are only surrounded by happy, wonderful friends.
I've stopped counting the number of people who have done just that.  I've been greatly hurt by people telling me "You just are too sad" and they've dropped me like a bad habit.  (Let's get something straight right now- losing a baby is THE WORST thing a person can experience. Losing 2 babies means that person needs incredible love and grace- they are fragile, especially in the weeks after the loss)
That loss of friends and family lead to me sinking deep.  I was grieving.  I needed friends, love, grace that in my grief I might not always get it right.
Some days I am flat out negative.  My hope is dwindling.  My innocence is lost. I live with a constant fear that the only children that I will have are the babies I could not keep safe in my womb.  I failed at my first responsibility as a mother.
 I'm a failure.  I may never have a rainbow baby.  I wasn't valued enough to have the truth heard to stay a youth leader to girls I had greatly invested in. (and who brought me great joy.)
Sinking Deep.  Elvis said push me to the side.  I say look at those friendships and really evaluate them.  A friend who is purely using you- sure, time to move on.  A friend who is sinking deep, especially due to loss, extend some love and a lot of grace.  Be the one to ALWAYS makes the call, sends the text, makes the plans.  (A majority of the time I don't know how to do this anymore.)  I gaurentee you the difference you are making in that friend's life is more meaningful than you will ever know.  You won't see it.  You might not even hear it.  But they won't forget it.
You may be the light, love, grace they need to face the next day.  Maybe they politely decline due to a schedule conflict, or only talk for a few minutes... don't give up.  Keep trying.  Be their light.  Cause I promise you- some days the darkness is consuming.   Not every day.  There are bright days.  You can make them brighter.  You can make them more frequent.
Do the opposite of what Elvis suggests... Embrace the ones who are grieving- days, weeks, months, years later... because it never goes away.

On a lighter note...I couldn't find any matching socks this morning... took the dogs out and found 3 of my socks... in Clara's mouth.

The more you know...

Here we sit... again trudging thru the darkness that consumes after the loss of a baby.  Traveling this path once is horrible, twice is nothing shy of pure hell.  With each loss, life changes.  Friends disappear, true colors are shown, and in the end you come out a very different person.  Yet as different as you are- you crave to be the same.  You need to be the same.
I'm guessing that most of you reading this aren't "part of the club" meaning you haven't lost a baby.  Oh how I envy you...
Just as you can't imagine how it is to know loss... I can't imagine how it is to try and walk beside someone who knows loss, and not have a clue.
Let me share what I've learned- both from my experience as an angel mother and as a friend who has walked beside others who have lost.

1) Be there.  It's just that simple.  No need for constant words.  Just be there.  With a tissue, with a hug, with a listening ear, with yourself.  Nothing says more to someone who feels completely alone than to have someone being there.

2) Don't lie.  If an angel mom asks you a point blank question- a lie is ALWAYS the wrong answer.  The truth will be found out and will hurt a million times more.  Lying to us says you don't value us, that we don't matter. This is especially true of "announcements."  The announcement will most likely send us into tears... but lying about it damages the joy we will feel.

3) Be sensitive.  If you are inviting us to a baby/pregnancy event let us know.  Sending a baby shower invite?  A phone call ahead of time will soften the blow at the mailbox. Announcing? As impersonal as it may seem- a perfectly timed text/email helps.  Catch us at home, not alone.  This allows us to shed the tears we so desperately need to, yet respond with the happiness we want to show you.

4) Please don't tell us we are too sad.  We know it.  We hate it.  And we could never wish anyone to have to experience this sadness.  Instead of telling us we are sad- Be There.

5) Follow Through.  I can't tell you the number of people who said "we should get together"  or "lets do dinner sometime."  Yet 4 months later- nothing.  It may not seem like it, but we really like the thought of human interaction.  Is it possible that it's not going to be the most exciting night of your week?  Most definitely.  Are you going to help make angel parents feel loved, valued, and semi-normal.  ABSOLUTELY.  An hour or 2 of "sacrifice" to spend with us can help prevent #4.  Just the same, we notice the people who offer and then never show and that sends a very clear message that we don't matter.

6) Don't take "No" for an answer.  I used this phrase when organizing meals for a friend going through a rough spot.  Never did I expect it to be "used against me"  but it was.  A meal was offered to us, I politely declined (because that's what you try to do) and my friend quoted me word for word.  She showed up with a simple meal... a meal that said, "we love you, we care about you, we are sorry we can't fix this."  It was a dinner (and lunch the next day) that I didn't have to think about or even prepare.  And a portion of the meal was something new for us.  Now every time we have it, I think of this friend and her caring.

7) Give us grace.  We will cry.  We might say something that seems odd or offends you- kindly let us know.  Chances are we didn't mean to.  We live in a different world- a world that society has silenced and we are trying to break the silence in hopes that no one else ever loses a baby.

8) Don't take away things that bring us joy.  The greatest disservice you can do to someone in the darkness of loss is to add more loss. In the darkness of infant loss anything that disappears after that loss is also a loss. And it just sends us farther into the darkness.  Friends fading away= loss.  Replaced on the team= loss.  Asked to take time away from a passion= loss.  As a wise friend once told me, "it's just like shoveling more sh!t onto the pile."

9) Small gifts/tokens and donations.  These are HUGE! There are many amazing organizations out there specifically making mementos for angel parents- sunset pictures, name boards, necklaces, dog tags, charms, statues, bears... the list is rather incredible. All things designed to bring comfort to a grieving parent.  Something that remembers their baby soothes the soul and speaks so loudly.  Visit with something small.  Send a card with a note that you donated to a baby loss charity.  Simple actions that say so much!

10) Speak baby's name.  Nothing makes my heart smile bigger than hearing someone else talk about TJ or our miscarried monkey.  We know it's not comfortable for you, but we love to hear it.  If you can't say it- find a way to allow us to bring it up in conversation.

11) Value our feelings.  If we reach out to you and tell you something we are feeling, acknowledge it. We aren't asking you to agree with it, but we are trusting you to value what we have to say.  I shared my heart the other day, something that was just really hard to hear and I reached out to 2 friends to express the challenge it was. One friend responded with "Hugs" and the other told me, "that's just how life is."  The first response said to me, "I'm here, I care, I don't necessarily understand/agree, but I know you hurt and I love you."  The other said, "Who cares that you hurt, get over it already."  I know that's not how my friend intended for it to be- but that's how my hurting heart took it.

12) Don't assume you know how we feel.  This has been one of the biggest struggles for me.  My experience with baby loss is unlike anyone else's.  I can relate to how most angel parents feel, but I will never know 100%.  This goes hand in hand with #11.  Value our feelings, we value yours!

13) Greet us with: "it's good to see you!" Instead of "how are you?"  The first is warm and safe- it's welcoming.  The later is a loaded question!  Do you really want to know?  Do I really want to share?  I'm trying to make this transition completely... To greet someone I'm happy to see and save that loaded question for when I truly am inquiring.  

14) Look beyond the tears.  Angel parent's emotions betray us... I get tears over everything!  Tears when I'm sad and hurting, tears when I'm healing, tears when my soul is being soothed, and tears with a happy heart.  Follow our lead not our tears.  And when in doubt, give a hug, a tissue, and a kind, loving word.  

Pregnancy and infant loss is an indescribable experience- we are learning just as you are. It's something that will NEVER go away!   Walking with us through our journey is the best thing you can do to ease the pain, lessen the burden, show us you care.  Love us- period!

If you know someone who has had a loss- maybe yesterday, maybe a year ago, 5 years, 10... Maybe it happens tomorrow... Remember these things, apply them and know- you are making a difference that will forever be appreciated!

When Lightning Strikes Twice

I'll never forget the phone call I got from my Aunt several years ago.  The tears in her eyes were audible as she said, "lightning strikes twice" and proceeded to tell me unbelievable news that had happened now a second time in her family.  I remember thinking how crazy it was for it to have happened the first time and then hearing it happened again, to another member of the family- it was unreal, like lightning striking twice.

Lightning isn't supposed to strike twice.  It's supposed to hit once, possible devastate the area of the strike, and never hit there again…

In this house, lightning struck twice.

I had a cute blog post all ready to go to tell you all about how our roller coaster ride was successful and we were excitedly expecting!!! And then- with no warning- I heard the words no mother wants to hear, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat."  We joined the 1 in 4 pregnancies that end in loss for the second time. To say I was devastated is an understatement.  There are no words...
Lightning isn't supposed to strike twice- yet it didn't stop…  relationships have ended.  Comments that hurt more than I can ever describe have been "shared" with me.  Opportunities have changed because the loss of a baby is seen as a "problem" with a person.  Not a problem that needs attention to gain support, but a problem that needs to be isolated.

We were 10 weeks... Because of our "roller coaster ride" We knew for almost 7 weeks that our little monkey was growing- our dream if raising a child was going to be fulfilled.  Appointments were scheduled, plans were being made, named picked out... We weren't wasting a minute!  

December 16 changed it all in the blink of an eye.  

I am now mother to 2 angels. Broken, hurting, alone.

Roller-coaster

I may or may not have started to sing Love Rollercoaster by the Red Hot Chili Peppers as I typed that… yes I'm old!   As I googled to find the video I discovered that Luke Bryan has a "Roller Coaster" as well… yea, I'm old! Anyway…
Life is a roller coaster.  You know that- it has it's ups and downs…
I LOVE a good roller coaster!
We try to hit Hershey Park every year.  It's close to home and has some great rides so it makes for a fun day trip.  If you're familiar with Hershey Park you know they have some classic wooden roller coasters- the Commit, the Wildcat, Lightning Racer- lost of ups and downs… a few sharp turns- very much like life.  Even the Super Dooper Looper kinda falls into this category…  And then there are the more "extreme" coasters…. think Great Bear, Fahrenheit, Storm Runner and Sky Rush- intense, fast, twists, turns, loops, rolls… barely recovering from one thrill before the next one begins…
That's where I'm at.  That's been my life for the past year and a half.  I've had a few breaks- you know long enough to reload the car- but it's been constant- I'm not allowed to get off... There's no break... No end in sight...
You know about TJ and a challenging point in our marriage… these things don't just go away overnight.  Tyler will forever be in my daily thoughts.  Our marriage continues to heal but it still has bumps just like any marriage.
What has been hidden from the picture is what is now our current journey.  Unfortunately, this part of our journey is kind of consuming.  I'm sure some people look at us and think it is defining us.  (I challenge you to find one couple who is walking our path who isn't the same way.)  This part of the ride revolves around almost 5 years of trying to get pregnant… and while that is 5 years total of trying… we do not have a house full of children.  When you try for that long and desire to have children as strongly as Matt and I do you turn to medical experts.  We were ready to head down this road when we found out we were pregnant with TJ- a shock to everyone.  Since we had a history that included a long wait- we decided to turn to the experts after 6 months of trying post TJ.
After 2 months of testing we learned that I have some issues.  Issues that explain so many other things I've been struggling with…. like losing weight…. Hi- I have a condition that makes it extremely difficult to lose weight, causes you to gain weight by simply looking at food (or so it seems) and the best way to "manage" it is to lose weight.  HAHAHA- I'm not laughing.  Anyway… Matt got the thumbs up… I have issues… Doctor creates a plan.
This plan involves lots of blood work and ultrasounds… and by lots I mean a good 8-12 a month minimum.  The appointments for these "tests" occur at 7am and at that hour it's at least a 75 minute drive- yes a good hour and 15 minutes ONE WAY!  The "month" begins and a test clears me to start taking appropriate meds to make my body do what it's supposed to do and doesn't.  A few days after the medicine starts I have to go for daily tests to see how my body is responding.  Once everything gets its act together it's procedure time… That means that Matt and I both have to coordinate schedules to be there- and unfortunately my body likes to make this as challenging as possible.  Matt works for 24 hours at a time- which means if we get the green light- Matt has to find a way to make his work schedule accommodate our procedure- it's not always easy!
Then there's the 2 week wait.  2 weeks of nothing but waiting to find out if this month we've had success.. 2 VERY SLOW weeks… 2 weeks of questioning every little cramp or twinge, questioning if my boobs really hurt- and if it's pregnancy hurt or period hurt… 2 weeks of walking past the home pregnancy tests and fighting every urge to buy them all in hopes of getting an answer a day sooner…. 2 weeks that end with a "Beta test" and the phone call.
The amount of stress involved with this process is indescribable.  It alters my ability to take sub jobs… it's a lot of driving… it takes all of the fun out of "trying"  and the desire for a child out weighs the challenges of this process.
Ask anyone who has undergone fertility treatment with a specialist- it's so much more than taking a pill to fix the problem… I never had a clue how involved the process was until we entered it.  And each month is a roller coaster in and of itself… a roller coaster within the roller coaster of life… it's intense…
And it effects every aspect of life.  Chances are you know someone who is going through fertility treatments… maybe they've been a little bit more on edge the past few months… rather then get annoyed- offer them some words of encouragement or a listening ear- I bet you will see a moment of relief on their face.

How to end a conversation...

About a year and a half ago I joined this not so awesome "club".  A club of parents- especially women- who have become experts in ending conversations.
We aren't rude.  We haven't mastered the "sorry I need to take this- it's an emergency" line.  In all reality we HATE that we have this skill and are a part of this group.  
The club is called: Bereaved Parents
We end conversations by doing what other parents do ALL THE TIME.  We talk about our children.  The only difference is the child I talk about is an Angel, and that's not the name of his sports team.
Generally the conversation goes something like this.
Hey there long lost friend/acquaintance.  I haven't seen you in (blank) years.  What are you up to these days?  They respond with reminiscing something general about life the last time we spent any time together and then talk all about their job, spouse, house, kids…. and then ask a me to deliver the same info.
So I do.  It starts off happy and fun.  I'm married to Matt.  We just bought a house and it has an amazing back yard for our Lab and Goldendoodle (yea you need to meet this guy).  I took the extended path through college but finally graduated just in time for school budgets to tank- so I'm a substitute teacher patiently awaiting my dream teaching job.
And then they ask- do you have any kids?  Cause anyone who knows me knows I have always wanted a kids.  And I answer-ALWAYS with a smile.  Sometimes it's just a short: We lost our little guy last April.  Other times I give a bit more detail.  Sometimes I'm stronger than others- sometimes I shed a slight tear- but there is always a smile.  Because nothing brings joy like being about to talk about your Angel Baby.
That's where it ends… very abruptly if its a conversation over text/facebook/email.  If its a conversation happening in person you get "the look" followed by I'm so sorry and no matter how hard I try to revive the conversation with questions about their kids or life the conversation just fads until its quickly over.

I've tried to change the way the conversation goes.  "No kids for Matt and I yet."  And every time I say something along those lines- it kills me.  Because it's a Lie.  We have a child.  I held my living, breathing, kicking, bubble blowing baby boy in my arms.  I have his birth certificate.  I just also have his death certificate.  I miss him every moment of every day.  I want to talk about him- to say his name.  And when I deny that he is a part of us its painful.
I have mastered a response for the kids when I sub.  They often ask about my life.  "Mr. D is a firefighter.  We have an Angel baby and 2 fur kids.  Clara is a yellow lab and Tonka is a puppy."  They get so excited about Clara and Tonka that the angel baby comment gets lost- but I can live with myself because I know I acknowledged my child.  This response doesn't work on adults.  They catch angel baby and they ask, which leads to the same outcome… conversation over.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to participate in a celebration for 50 years of Field Hockey at my alma mater.  When I first learned about it- I was super excited for a chance to pick up a hockey stick, grab a new hoodie, and relive some of the great memories of high school.  But the day rolled around and I decided not to go.  Mainly because I didn't want to end conversations before they started and I wasn't interested in regretting having failed to mentioned that indeed I do have a child.  So I sat at home, played with the dogs, and hit up Netflix to binge on New Girl  (so I'm fresh when they release the next season in a few days).

It sucks.  It sucks to not be able to talk about my baby- just briefly- without the conversation ending.  It hurts to know that rather than deal with a moment of sadness and then move on, people would rather end the conversation and walk away.  This bereaved parents club is the worst!  Yet there is no way to no longer be a member.

Sorry if you were hoping to learn a stealth way to terminate that extremely awkward conversation with the creepy guy who you always see at the grocery store… the best advice I have for that is to shop at a different store.  

my ice bucket challenge

I got not 1 but 3 nominations for the latest "craze"… the ALS ice bucket challenge- done to raise funds for ALS.  Incase you have been living under a rock this is how it works… You get nominated by someone to either dump a bucket of ice water over your head or donate $100 to the ALS foundation and you have 24 hours to make that happen.  It's done great things for creating awareness of ALS, a life changing disease that affects roughly 1 in 50,000 people.  It's awesome to see how this has taken off… and it got me thinking…

1 in 4 pregnancies result in loss; miscarriage, still birth, infant loss (like we experienced with TJ).  1 in 4  that's 25% of pregnancies.  Before Tyler, I knew that the first 12 weeks of pregnancy were "in the danger zone".  Now I know that while the first 12 weeks carry the greatest chance for a miscarriage there is still a chance for something to "to wrong".  What BLOWS MY MIND is that NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT!  I read What to Expect When Your Expecting and it doesn't talk about all the OTHER things that can happen after the first trimester.  Society as a whole is silent about pregnancy and infant loss- yet it affects so many.  HOW?  WHY?  Yes it's a horribly sad topic.  But why are we not talking about it?  Why do grieving mothers get "the look" at the mere mention of a lost baby?  Why is it a taboo topic?  Why does Facebook feel that pictures of pre-term babies are unacceptable and are removed yet there is no issue with nearly nude photos, extremely suggestive photos, or any variety of other offensive pictures?  I could spend all day asking questions…

I want to help break the silence!  Lifetime started by airing a movie about stillbirth called Return to Zero.  There are many organizations that support pregnancy and infant loss, yet no one seems to know about them.  Have you heard of:
 Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep  They provide professional photographs of babies who have passed while in the hospital- free of charge. I treasure my pictures of TJ more than words can describe!
Sweet Pea Project  The offer comfort, support, and guidance to grieving parents AND send blankets to hospitals so that grieving parents can have something that "belongs to baby"
 or  Held Your Whole Life?  This organization provides hand stamped personalized necklaces (for mom) and key chains (for dad).  Having something with your child's name can be helpful in feeling like they are not forgotten.
Again- I could list these for days… different organizations that raise funds to prevent any number of pregnancy complications that can occur...

March of Dimes is probably the best known organization that speaks to pregnancy and infant loss but that's because they fund research and have developed procedures that save babies- they aren't as known for the support they offer to grieving parents.

Those are just a few of the MANY "unknown" organizations that exist to support the 1 in 4 who know the heartache of this type of loss.


Here's how we are going to break the silence… instead of dumping a bucket of ice on my head- I'm heading to the local blood bank to make a donation (as soon as I am eligible to donate again).  A bucket of cold water doesn't do anything to help someone else… a needle and a half hour of your time can save up to 3 lives!

I challenge you to break the silence of the 1 in 4!  Make a blood donation or donate to one of the organizations above.  (Be a superstar and donate to all 4!)

Know someone who has lost a baby- Ask her how she is really doing.  Speak baby's name.  Give her a hug and let her know you haven't forgotten.
I promise you it will make the day of a mother of an angel baby!

Awful Arthur

This is only a month and a half late… What you are about to read was typed in the car… I delayed posting as we recovered from the ride and celebrated the 4th…and then delayed some more just for good measure…
 So here you have it… Thoughts from our OBX vacation that ended early thanks to Hurricane Arthur.

It's 1:30 am Wednesday night/Thursday morning... I'm sitting in the passenger seat of a very loaded down Jeep... In tears as my week long vacation is ending 3 days early... 

Hatteras Island faces a mandatory evacuation 5am Thursday... Ummm- I LOVE OBX but I have a strong dislike for lots of traffic AND for being forced to take the long way... Matt's dislike for those things is even more intense than mine... And so we packed and left...

And like any 31 year old- I cried... 

This was an AWESOME vacation... Some very much needed reconnection time with the man I love... The calm before we begin our fertility treatment journey... 

The OBX has always been our place- it was our first real vacation together and a place we have visited every year... Where we went on our honeymoon, and where we went after we lost TJ... It's just been out retreat from life- we love the slow pace, lack of "busy" things to do, and daily trips to the beach or sound... Not to mention its DOG FRIENDLY- Dutchess used to vacation with us!  

This year was Clara's first trip... This year should have been TJ's first trip… 

I was so busy enjoying the trip that my photos are limited… but here are a few...

We had fun taking Clara to bounce at the ocean!

We listened to Sundays message from LCBC while sitting on the beach (2 votes from the Dietrich's for a LCBC-OBX campus!)

We made a sand castle for TJ.

 

We rode wave runners! (Checked one off the bucket list!)

We spent hours floating over waves and sitting under the umbrella... Just relaxing- loving life!

We hit up our "must" stops- Howard's Pub & the Slushie Stand on Ocracoke (yay ferry ride), Top Dog, Village Conery (Clara walked there with us and had her first soft serve ice cream experience), and our last meal was crabs from Austin's South Island Seafood.  It was good eating!  

We broke in our new kicks.

OBX 2014 was all lined up to be an amazing vacation.

Until it was time to leave... Suddenly my heart felt heavy- like I was leaving without a goodbye- only what adult needs to say goodbye to the beach?!?  

Then I remembered I had wanted to write in the sand... 

All week my heart had been full, peaceful as I soaked up the beauty of God's creation. And then as I faced leaving it I felt a separation coming... 

I recognized that heavy heart- it had been hiding for a while... Always there but kindly keeping to its self UNTIL NOW- 7pm as we pack to evacuate and end our vacay.  Hello the heart if a grieving mother... There is not a moment that I don't miss my sweet angel, but this was intense!

I woke Matt from his nap, leashed up Clara and headed to the beach...  This needed to happen

But first we found TJs sandcastle, in decent shape considering we had built it 10 hours prior.

It was perfect to see- but started the waterworks.  We sat in the sand and talked about missing our boy... About how the beach seems to calm our hurting hearts... About how we weren't ready to leave- but were actually excited to have a nice house to go home to…

It was just a rough night... Even now- my heart has me wanting to just sob... The ugly cry- the cry from deep down that you save for the biggest of hurt... 

The beach should have been so different... Life should be so different... Most days I do ok with the fact that it's not... Today wasn't one of those days... 

Maybe tomorrow will be better... 

And if you are reading this- it means we have arrived safely home and are hopefully sound asleep.

Rainy Wednesday

It's been a while… I have a few posts that have been sitting in cue (including one from the beach- YIKES!) that I should really just edit and post… but tonight I offer you some insight into the randomness filling my brain on this rainy evening.

As has become the norm for my life- today was anything but what I expected it to be… I was supposed to wake up, handle some necessary bill paying, wash wallpaper glue off some walls, do some laundry, play with Clara, go to dinner with friends and take care of some chores around the house.
Necessary bill paying required a trip to my parents to use their fax machine (YAY property taxes!)… while I was there my mom asked me to go with her to visit my Aunt.  My Aunt has spent the better part of the last 2 weeks at my Uncle's side as he battles cancer in the hospital.  I quickly decided that wallpaper glue could just spend another day or two as the decor of my powder room and jumped in the car for a visit…

I'm no stranger to cancer and the effects it has on people… I saw is slowly take life from my Pap and I watched my Mom Kick Cancer's butt!!!  I know it's not kind- and I know the helpless feeling as you just sit there and watch and wait and realize all you can do is Pray.

I thought we were going to offer a some hugs and a few minutes of friendly faces for my Aunt.
This was a good afternoon- vitals were favorable (YAY no fever!) and we got a short visit with my Uncle.  At first I was struck with how he looked like Pap, even though my Uncle married into the family.  His hair color had changed after chemo treatment, and he had traded in his standard golf polo for a pair of flannel PJ's.  My Uncle had always been a pillar of strength in the family- to see him in such a frail state was a challenge, even though I thought I was prepared.
It didn't take long for some of his old spirit to appear!  We walked a few laps with him around the floor.  Lap 1 was met with cheers from the nurses- that brought smiles as we walked.  Lap 2 he was still feeling good…
Lap 3 brought a flashback of childhood memories.

Side note:  My Aunt and Uncle always hosted family Easter gatherings.   This always includes an Easter egg hunt.  You can't have an easter egg hunt with my family without properly warming up.  Warm up exercises are always led by my Uncle.  It's normally quite the sight  and a tradition I missed this year!

As we rounded the corner to start lap 3 my Uncle announced, "This is a nice straight away.  Stretch the legs.  Nice deep breaths.  This feels good!"  I giggled.  I pictured a room filled with kiddos taking lunging steps with him, preparing to find All the Eggs.  

Lap 4 was a battle of wills- he wanted to keep going… my Aunt thought 4 was enough for now and Mom agreed.  So we returned to the room.  

I spent a few minutes talking with him.  He asked how I was liking LCBC.  We talked about my involvement with Jcrew and camp. He smiled.  Then he asked about Matt.  The smile on his face grew as I shared that Matt was also involved and loving LCBC.  He was happy to hear that we had found a church where we could be involved and grow.  Yay for being able to provide a bit of non-medical brightness to a rather dreary day.

We said our goodbyes and headed for home.  

The chores never happened… the glue is still on the wall… I did do a load of laundry and spent some time playing with Clara… and I paid a few bills… dinner with friends was traded for a stop in to see the hubby at work and refuel him with some iced coffee…

For a not very productive day, I was beat, but it was so worth it!

 And now I need to get some rest because this chic is taking a van full of kids to "The Sweetest Place on Earth" tomorrow!

Just dropping in...

It's been almost 2 months… yikes!… since I've posted… with some good reason…
There has been some kinda MAJOR events happening in my little world…
I would like to introduce you to:

My new house!

2 months ago I had NO CLUE this was happening…It kind of all happened in a crazy whirlwind of events…

This house popped up in an "I'm dreaming" Zillow search several 8 months ago and was priced WAY out of our price range.  I added it to my watch list anyway and went about life.  The price dropped once- and it was still way too high, dropped twice- getting closer… and finally 6 months later it dropped enough that we could start to dream…
We called our WONDERFUL Realtor, Kristen (Who has endured our "on again, off again" house hunt for the past 3 years) and scheduled a showing.  We were IN LOVE!  This place had EVERYTHING on our "must have" list  AND all but one item on our "really would like" list...
We put in an offer, it was accepted and away we went…
Packing, finishing teaching, cleaning the new place, moving, cleaning the old place, and Matt continuing to work hard have all taken place in the past few weeks… and we now officially reside in OUR home!
At this moment the house is filled with boxes- I guess I should get on that- but we LOVE it!
Give me a few more days to get settled and I'll show you around.
Until then- Enjoy the first days of Summer!!!

I am reminded...

So I know I kinda fell off the face of the Earth... Life has been filled with lots of busyness... Most of it very positive... Cause you know... The whole teaching 2nd grade thing is amazing!  I have loved every minute of it and am dreading that the end is near.

In my absence from blogging there have been many reminders...

Reminders of why I have huge amounts of student loans- I LOVE teaching!

Reminders of why I love my husband- lots of laughs, snuggles and great times.

Reminders that I have the best friends- friends who rallied by my side to make sure I knew I was loved when I was deeply hurt by others...

Reminders that God answers prayers!  "Small prayers" have been answered when I needed it most.  

As we enter Easter weekend, I am reminded of something greater.  God's amazing LOVE.  A love so intense that he was willing to send his Son to die for you and me.  That's what Easter is all about.  We are celebrating the death of Jesus... Followed by his resurrection.  The conquering of sin.  The ultimate act of love.  

The whole Easter story has always seemed amazing to me.  But now it has so much more meaning... I now know what it's like to watch your son die... How hard it is... The hurt, pain, and torture you experience as the child you love so deeply slips away and there is nothing you can do.

Poor Mary... First she experienced the ridicule of being unwed and pregnant... And then 30ish years later she had to watch him die... For no fault of his own... And she could do nothing to save him...  I have a new appreciation for this amazing women.

And God... What an act of LOVE for us.  To send his son knowing he would be punished as an innocent man and sentenced to death... A death that would cover the fact that man chooses sin... 

I know the pain I've experienced.  I would not wish it upon my worst enemy... And yet God willingly took on that burden so that we- people like you and me- can know God's forgiveness.  That is Amazing Grace!  

God loves us so much that he sent his son to die as payment for our sins... Not just for the best of us... But for ALL of us!  It's kinda crazy amazing to think about- that I am loved... We are loved... YOU are loved that much!  

If you are looking for a place to hear about that Love... Your local church is a great place to start... Or check out LCBC Churchfor times/locations for their Easter gatherings.

Avalanche

 This time 2 weeks ago I was preparing for Avalanche.  I was super excited for a weekend with my Jcrew girls.  Never in a million years could I have prepared for just how awesome the weekend could be.
There was plenty of snow on the ground as I loaded my car and headed to LCBC for the fun to begin.  I had a TON of stuff  because I was prepared for playing in snow and staying warm which included sleeping in a "cabin".  That stuff takes up lots of space!  Plus, I may have gone a little over board with food for my cabin.  What can I say… I was excited and was using my experience of less than stellar camp food to guide the amount of food to take.  Everyone arrived, we loaded the bus and were off.
2 hours on a bus lead to some interesting conversations… including one that offered guidance to the girls for their future.  Can I just say that the student ministries pastor at LCBC York gave some great advice to the kids about determining their future.  I wish I had had someone to provide the same perspective to me at their age.  Pretty much he said to find something you enjoy doing and pursue it.  Don't worry if it means not taking the "traditional" college route- just make smart decisions/don't be a bum.  And if college is your chosen path- check out options so that you don't come out with mounds of debt.  He was loving the kids for who they are/want to be and not for what society says they need to be.

When we arrived at Northbay (the place we were staying) we unpacked and headed to dinner.  All the girls crammed at one table and we had some of the best dinner conversation fueled by excitement for the weekend.  Dinner finished and the weekend kicked into full gear.
Friday night included a teaching session and free time.  After lights out the girls giggled and eventually nodded off to sleep.  I finally understand what parents mean when they say they never sleep the same!  I woke up in the middle of the night to a "sleep talker" who then turned into a "sleep walker."  I wish I had thought to grab my phone and record it because it was priceless!

Saturday was our crazy busy day.  Leaders started WAY TOO EARLY with a leader meeting. (Remember I do not like mornings!)  By the time breakfast rolled around I finally started to appreciate the day.  Our post breakfast activity was a photo scavenger hunt.

We made a human pyramid with some other girls.  Played leap frog in the snow. Squeezed a speed round of duck, duck, goose in inside our cabin.  Danced to LCBC Style at the bay.  Made a mini snowman.  And so much more.  Sadly, the guys from York beat us.  

We had some more teaching and then an afternoon of free time.  (This is where all my cold gear was useful.)  I piled on the layers, shared some of my extra gloves and such with some not as prepared girls, and headed out for an afternoon in the snow- aka crossing things off the bucket list. 

I went zip lining. (There is photographic evidence but the quality isn't super.)

Then the wait began for the 3 person swing.  This thing is like a ride at Hershey Park mixed with riding the Zip line.  You are harnessed in, wearing helmets… and well- just watch the video.

The person on the end has to "chop" a blue cord to release the swing… I give you the moment after the chop:

We warmed up,  and headed to the most awesome dinner ever!!!  We had pizza by disco ball.  A "DJ" (aka leader) provided us a rockin' good time.  The band got things going on stage by "dancing" to Crank it Like a Chainsaw- complete with "rap solo".  This opened the door for the YMCA, a conga line, Cotton Eyed Joe line dance, Katy Perry and Taylor swift sing along and a bunch of other craziness.  It was inspiring to watch the kids drop their guard as they danced and sang along without a care in the world as to who was watching them.  This was one of those times that you just had to be there to completely grasp how awesome it was!!!

After dinner was a teaching session.  That wrapped up with cabin time followed by a dodgeball game or movie.  Several of my girls decided to participate in the "open" league for dodgeball- aka they were the only co-ed team playing against teams of all boys.  

Another night of talking and giggles- that ended much earlier.  There are no fun stories to tell of sleep walkers.  We got to sleep in and when we got back from the leader meeting- the girls had packed up and cleaned the cabin.  I was impressed!!!  Off to brunch and our last teaching session before heading home.  

Let me dig in to a few things for you.

1- THE FOOD WAS AWESOME!!!  And high school students served us as every meal.  The girls were really impressed that the older kids cared about them enough to give up a weekend to serve them.  

2- Worship time before each teaching session ROCKED.  Jcrew at LCBC York doesn't have a band yet- so it was a new experience to see middle schoolers worship.  They get into it!  My girls were thrilled to sing Manifesto.  And The song of the weekend was The Rock Won't Move.  

Credit for this photo belongs to the LCBC Instagram peeps.

3- The teaching was impressive.  "The Amish Man" taught- He used to be Amish, now he is the student ministries pastor at LCBC Ephrata.  The focus was on reading the bible.  It was presented in the  most down to earth, practical way I've ever heard.  They used a version of the Bible called the message.  It was not a version I had encountered before- but will be purchasing as it is super easy to understand and apply.  I made note of a few things throughout the teaching:

• The Bible is a love letter from God.  If someone wrote you a letter you would read it.  God gave us the Bible as his love letter to us- we need to read it.  You will read what is important to you- if God matters to you- you will find time to read the Bible.  (Amish Man shared that sometimes you will forget and that's ok- just don't always forget.)
• Reading the Bible takes baby steps.  We learned of the process Kevin Durant uses called SOAP: Scripture (read it), Observe (think about what is being said), Apply (how should I use this in my life) and Pray.  Reading the bible is something we tend to over think- if you follow these baby steps it will be easier to understand and apply to your life.  
• Christianity is the only religion that is based on a Relationship first- a relationship with God.  All other religions are based on Rules.  
• The Bible was meant for you!  The Bible gives you hope- knowing you are never alone even if your circumstances don't change.  (I see this as going hand in hand with sometimes God says no. You might be in a situation you wish were different, you can pray that it changes, but even if it doesn't God is still there and still Loves you!

4- My cabin of girls were AMAZING.  The insight they had during our life group time in the cabin was pretty deep.  We didn't have a lot of digging deep, emotional time… but they provided deep thoughts that I couldn't even imagine thinking at their age.  My favorite quote of the weekend came from life group time.  Every imperfection we see is perfection in God's eyes.   Wow- like I said deep.  I know they won't remember this every second of every day- but the fact that they were able to even think this and share was incredible.  

5- I Love that I can be a part of a church that Loves their middle school students!  Too often middle school gets "missed".  There is a great structured program for the younger kids, and high school has lots of fun events, but middle school kinds gets lost in the shuffle.  Instead of allowing them to get lost- they single them out by providing a great experience like this- where they bring in other students to shower them with love and blessings.

6- Our teaching times started off with a crazy game. ALWAYS.  These games involved ball pit balls, donuts on a fishing rod and chocolate milk in a funnel,  whipped cream pies, finding random objects and other ridiculousness.  Just a fun way to get kids excited for some awesome worship and open their hearts for God to work.  

Truth be told now that the weekend is over… I think it's possible that the experience taught me just as much as it did for the girls.  I went with the intention of making some girls feel loved.  Instead they did that for me.  I wanted to do some blessing of others and left more blessed than I could have imagined.  

When we arrived back at LCBC, I had planned on staying for the 4:30 Jcrew session and the 6:15 gathering… yea about that… it didn't happen.  I came home and CRASHED.  (So much so that I also missed the chance to visit Matt at work.)  I was exhausted.  It was an awesome weekend that left me with a full heart.

I can not wait to do it all again at Shock Wave this summer!!!

Here are links to videos LCBC made throughout the weekend- they truly show the extent of a crazy awesome weekend!

Friday Night

Saturday

Sunday

Check out #Lcbcavalanche14 for additional pictures!

P.S. Special shout outs to my awesome neighbor and Lauren for checking in on Clara while Matt worked.  And an extra special thank you to my hubby for funding my trip and encouraging me to follow my heart as I serve with Jcrew.  Not to mention sacrificing a weekend of time together.  

Snow day randomness

You know how sometimes I set off to do one thing and it turns out to be totally different but equally as good???
This started off as a confessions post… but I discovered that there wasn't really confessing happening so much as random thoughts so… enjoy some snow day randomness and look for some exciting news at the end…

• I love the scarf look that is so popular right now.  However, I struggle to find scarves that are long enough to not look awkward on me.  (Scarf lengths are improving so this problem is becoming less of an issue.)  My mom took me birthday shopping and we found some great outfits that needed a scarf to complete the look.  We couldn't bring ourselves to spend almost $30 for an accessory… so I decided to see if I could "knit" my own scarf.  One my my Avalanche girls "finger knit" an infinity scarf on the bus… I gave it a try…
  

Needless to say- it's a bit on the thin side… success on making it-- fail on the finished product!

• Mornings and I do not get along.  Genetically I'm a night owl.  Over the past few years I've come to learn to love a brief portion of the morning.  On days that Matt works- I get up to make him breakfast and pack his lunch.  I like knowing that it's something simple that I can do to get his day off to a smooth start.  His mornings start early (he's up at 4am and out the door before 5) so I head back to bed for a little more sleep before I begin my day 'cause me and 4 am don't agree.
• Word of advice- If you have a dog who LOVES snow… don't schedule surgery (especially fixing your female dog) in the middle of winter.  All cute Clara wants to do is jump in the snow piles and chase snowflakes.  I have to be mean mom and take her out on a leash and limit her to "business only."  Learn from my mistake- avoid being the mean mom!
• Heard in my neighborhood today while taking the dog out… "I just need to get my car to Queen Street and I'll be fine."  2 hours later and his Sion XB has yet to get out of the cul-de-sac!  I'm resisting the urge to tell the guy to just go back inside.
• Flappy birds… GRRR… my Jcrew girls introduced me this game…talk about addicting and frustrating… 
• Exciting news:  I am a short term substitute in a 2nd grade classroom for 12 weeks and I start on Friday!!!  I'm really looking forward to the opportunity to be back in the a classroom as more than a day to day substitute!  Here's hoping we can get a day of school in before that time so I can observe the teacher before I take over.  

On that note- I'm going to try to be a little productive on my snow day… Trying to find my desk in the extra room.

How are you spending your snow day?  How much snow did you get?

I had it all wrong

Last week I talked about what kind of leader I wanted to be as I prepared for the Jcrew winter retreat... Which by the way Avalanche was awesome and will be getting its own post in the very near future!  

It's been a whirlwind of a week around our house.  I returned from avalanche, caught up on sleep, we had Clara spayed and her pearly whites got a cleaning, I've been on dog care duty (we managed to survive without a cone!), I worked a bit, Matt worked a lot, and then good things happened. ( more on that at a later date- no it's not a pregnancy announcement.)

This week is the wind down from the "high" of avalanche.  

You see- I'm not so convinced that the weekend was 100% for the kids.  I sure took a lot out of it!  

I've been following the #lcbcavalanche14 feed and today I saw a picture on Instagram from a leader who took some time to journal about the experience.  

(Insert a wave a guilt for not being as awesome about that.). The comment under the picture mirrored my thoughts about it not being all for the kids.  I didn't think much of it at the time...

But now... It's 12:45am... I teach in the morning... And my mind is alive...

I thought about my recent post... Thought about what my avalanche post would say... Started to evaluate what kind of leader I was... And then it hit me... The big 'ole smack upside the head that God has to give me once in a while...

I was so focused on what type of leader I wanted to be... I never stopped to listen to what type of a leader God wanted me to be.  Sure I prayed that God would make me a good leader.  That I would be a positive influence on the girls... What I should have been praying is for God to guide me to be the leader the girls needed me to be.  I should have been seeking God's guidance instead of making it into something I wanted.

And just to ensure that sleep would evade me for a good portion of the night... I realized that this should apply to ALL areas of my life.  To truly trust God, to really listen to Him- I need to be seeking his guidance in everything.  Not praying for or seeking what I want, but seeking God's will.   

Yea about that... Who needs sleep?!?

I am happy to say that I don't think I completely dropped the ball on being an awesome leader.  I think I did an all right job.  We had a lot of fun, I wasn't too mean or a wallflower, there were no lives to be saved... It was good.  If I had to grade myself: I'd have an average score.  Which means there's room for improvement... Because I want to be a great leader- and that will happen with some help from the man upstairs!  

What kind of leader am I?!?

My week has been full of snow and preparations for Avalanche.  Now I know that sounds like I'm preparing for a major snow emergency event- and in a way I am- but not really.  Avalanche is a weekend retreat for the 7th and 8th graders of LCBC's Jcrew.  With just shy of a foot of snow on the ground and temps well below freezing, I will be spending my upcoming weekend with kids who have stolen my heart.

When I signed up to be a Jcrew life group leader- I did it because I thought it would be a fun way to serve at LCBC.  I recalled my days in youth group and thought "yea I could be a kid again."  I figured it would be a good time... Never did I expect it to have the affect on me that it has.  I work with 7th and 8th grade girls.  I LOVE them!  Our mission in Jcrew is to demonstrate God's love to the kids,  tell and show them that God loves them, and make sure they know that they are Loved. (Period). 

Notice a connection to my blog name?  

It started off as fun.  Observing on Sunday mornings, getting to know some of the girls.  Then evening gatherings started and instead of observing- I was "running the show."  I hit the ground running!  Got to really begin to know the girls who regularly attend during "my gathering", helped out at the All-nighter, and had 2 different times that I got together with the girls outside of LCBC structured events.  It's been awesome!  I pray for my girls, check-in with them from time to time, and look forward to seeing them every week...

We started talking about winter retreats and I was all about going!  Retreats with youth group hold some of my greatest memories from the awkward middle school and high school years.  They played a vital role in keeping me out of trouble, strengthening friendships, helping me to grow as a person and at times allowing me to realize that I was important.  (I struggled with getting "lost" in my family because I was the "social" child.)

The closer avalanche gets- the more excited I get.  

Imagine how bad it's gotten since we got cabin assignments and additional leader info!!!

It hit me tonight... This is it... My first official chance to make a huge difference in these girl's lives.  

I started remembering the various youth leaders that were influential to me:

The "main pastor" who I'm pretty sure was just looking for a way to stay a kid- always wanting to have a good time.

The "camp mom" who was a camp counselor almost every year, loved us all but would disappear from regular events.

The "mean leaders" who insisted we follow every rule and then some.

The "life saver" who literally saved my life white water rafting and always had a way of making you feel like you mattered.

The "other youth pastor" who also wanted to be a kid but who also spoke the harsh realities and truths.

The "wallflowers" who I know were there but I couldn't even tell you who they were- they just stood by and filled in as needed.

** disclaimer both youth pastors mentioned above did a great job of sharing the word of God.  And both were parents of my friends.  I created the list based on what stood out first when I thought of these people.**

I realized now was my chance to create a name for myself... How did I want to be remembered?  

I thought about it- and got distracted thinking I should shoot a message to the life saver sometime letting them know the difference they made and continue to make in my life- once back on track I decided...

I want to be a combination of them all (excluding the wall flower and mean ones). 

I want to be the leader that is a big kid at heart, who makes everyone feel like they matter and are loved.  I want to be stable- consistently there.  Someone who the girls feel they can turn to when they need support, guidance or just a friend.  I want to be honest- I have not lived a "perfect Christian life"- I want them to be able to learn from mistakes I've made.  I want to be an example- not just say follow these rules but show how it's done and why it's better not to break them.  I want to help create memories that will last a life time.  

My goal for the weekend is to have an awesome time.  I hope I can meet my hopes for the type of leader I want to be... And if I fall short I hope the girls will see Gods love for them through me.  

Also- I'm really hoping for an opportunity to top what is quite possibly the greatest camp prank I have ever been a part of... Youth pastors choose your words wisely- when you tell us to leave the chairs alone... You just might find each chair all alone around camp!

Hello 2014!

It's finally here!  I have looked forward to kicking out 2013 … it was a less than kind year to Matt and I.  There are things that I will always treasure from 2013-  TJ, Matt, our marriage, friendships and lots of personal growth.  Just the same there are things that happened in 2013 that I hope and pray I never happen to our family again!

The last few hours of 2013 were awesome!  We had a small, low-key gathering at our house.  Lots of food, friends and laughter.  One of the best New Year's Eve celebrations I've ever had.
2014 started off with a kiss from my Love, a reminder that our angel was with us (check out the video below) and the realization that Clara was MIA… I had accidentally closed her in the bedroom.  She was just chillin' on the other side of the door waiting to return to being everyone's BFF.  Our friends left, we cleaned up, and went to bed- happy to have started 2014 on a good note.

Matt and I picked this ornament as TJ's ornament this year- it's solar powered… I love looking over and seeing it creating a snow angel- it's not always moving… but when it does its a sweet reminder that my angel is near.

Now for the "traditional" New Year's post.

Get Busy Living is a great blog that I've followed for a while few years. (yikes!)  My friend Jess writes an awesomely inspirational blog and has a great theme for her New Years posts.  I'm stealing her theme (Thanks Jess!)   and sharing it with you all in hopes of finding a successful 2014.

To start off… my word of the year is:  HOPE 

I have high hopes for 2014… and the fresh start of a new year is giving me hope for good things to come.  I'm looking forward to seeing what ways HOPE appears in my life this year.

A long time ago I made a resolution to not make anymore New Year's resolutions- I've done a great job of keeping it!!!  Jess doesn't make resolutions… she sets Goals!  I like this idea- something to strive for as opposed to saying "I will do this" and then when you fall of the wagon you don't bother to get back on.
So here goes…

My Goals for 2014:

• Workout 3-4 times a week
• Drop 50 lbs (and keep it off)
• Return to healthier eating habits
• Maintain a red-up house (that's Nan speak for clean and tidy)
• Become more organized
• Get rid of clutter/junk
• "Be Rich" 2 times a month
• Daily devotional time
• Be a better wife

My Dreams for 2014: 

 (Because these things require effort on my part but ultimately are not completely in my control)

• Get a permanent teaching job
• Buy a house
• Have a baby

I share all of this with you so that I have some accountability.  My goals will require a lot of hard work on my part… 

I'm off to a decent start… I've got workout #2 for the year complete, the house is still clean and tidy, my car is packed with "junk" to donate (2 tubs of clothing, books, purses, shoes and some home goods), and devotional for the day is happening before bed.  Let's see if I can keep it up!

How about you?  Do you have a word of the year?  What goals did you create for yourself?  

Gifts from above

If you've known me for any length of time I'm sure you've learned that I love to laugh and have a good time.  I'm guilty of using laughter as a defense mechanism and sometimes that causes me to come across as rude or semi-inappropriate... You know when you're out to dinner and someone says, "can I have..."  I respond "no!"

Life is better when you are having a good, fun time.

It's also no secret that the past year has been lacking in the "fun time category". Infact, I think it's fair to say the past year has far exceeded several years worth of "bawl your eyes out" moments.  

As we approached the holidays I felt like I was doing ok- holding my own... And then one day... It hit me.  I couldn't find my Christmas spirit and I started to fall back into "the fog" of grief.

I got myself together enough to do my shopping- and tried to cram as much as possible into one day.  

I saw a picture my friend Country Mouse posted on Instagram of her boys having a nerf battle and it got me thinking- I wanted to see Matt do that with our son... Only it would never happen.  With that picture in mind I made a random "on a whim" purchase at target as I rushed to finish shopping.  

Fast forward (through some rough days) to my day of wrapping- I wrapped that on a whim purchase and left it tag-less- the gift needed the perfect tag... So I thought and thought... On Christmas Eve it hit me... I ran my idea past a friend (to make sure I wasn't off my rocker) and got the thumbs up from her... So I created the tag. (Please forgive the lack of photos- I was too busy enjoying the moments that followed)

A stack of 4 identical packages were tied together and labeled with one tag:

To: Gramps, Dad, Uncle Caleb and Uncle Ryan

From: TJ

Heaven is a blast!  Have some fun!

Later that night I arrived at my parents for our annual family Christmas.  (Matt was serving at LCBC and would join us after the Christmas Eve gatherings.). I carefully added my gifts to the pile under the tree and joined my family for quality time together.  We talked, ate and then gathered around the tree to read some of the real Christmas story and begin exchanging gifts.  The pile of packages stayed in place until Matt joined us... My dad picked it up and with uncertainty asked if it was okay to open this gift.  He read the tag aloud and then handed each of the boys one carefully wrapped parcel.  

Together they tore into the wrapping paper to reveal a nerf gun.  The race was on to see who could free their gun and ammo from the package first.  Mom provided the blow by blow commentary and quickly all 4 boys were armed and firing across the room.  No one (not even the guest of the evening) was safe from the attack.  

When the initial battle was over and ammo had been collected we continued on with our Christmas traditions... Now laced with random nerf arrows flying across the room.  

It was just what I had envisioned... Fun-filled laughing... A true gift from my angel who I'm missing this holiday season.  

The evening came to a close... The ammo was all accounted for- although at least one piece is safely resting out of harms way until the tree comes down- and we gathered our things to return home.   The nerf guns all stayed at mom and dad's for future battles... Future gifts of laughter... For tonight they served their purpose as they brought fun and laughter that Matt and I so very much needed.

Merry Christmas!!!