Let's take a minute (or 3) and be real… cause truth be told- I'm a real person and real people don't lead clean, perfectly organized lives… One of my favorite things about LCBC is that they know that life is messy! And if you read the condensed version of my story you can see… my. life. is. messy. (Still working on the additional parts of my story- writing about your mess isn't easy!)
I've been working on trying to face some of that mess head on… sometimes it's by working through something I'm struggling with or facing a trigger…. today it's going to be by throwing out some of the messy truths of my life and mixing some fun randomness in as well….
Confession: After holding my own child- a breathing, kicking, beautiful little boy- in my arms… I can not wait for the day that I have another baby of my own to hold. Enough so that each month when I discover I'm not pregnant- I cry… and not just a few tears… it's a full out bawl- from the bottom of my heart… you know- the ugly cry… the kind you want no one to see… and that leaves you exhausted afterwards.
Confession: I may have a small problem with shoes… I own 50 pairs… I can probably count on my fingers the number I have worn with any purpose in the last year… sadly most of the 50 pairs are either old navy flip flops or shoes that I have had since the pre-Matt days… I think I need to do some closet purging.
Confession: When I got married I thought I knew who would be the Godmother of my children- someone who was like a sister to me… unfortunately that person has failed to even acknowledge that TJ existed… The days I needed her most it was too inconvenient for her to be there… to stay with Dutchess the night after TJ was born- so that Matt could be by my side in the hospital as I recovered from labor and serious infection… the day we celebrated TJ's life- because being uncomfortable with death is a reason to skip out on a few minutes of remembering and celebrating a child… I lack the words to even accurately describe the hurt- and I'm not sure how to even begin to heal the wounds left by this.
Confession: I LOVE Clara… don't get me wrong- I miss Dutchess- she was my best friend during the hardest days of my life… but life with Clara is AMAZING. She is almost perfect. (stay, come and life off a leash need some polishing yet) This dog is social, runs, and loves to just be with us. She provides such simple joys like running on the rail trail, visits to grandmas and my fair share of space in bed… all things life with Dutchess lacked- at least lacked when Dutchess was involved.
Confession: I need a gym buddy. 2 years ago an awesome friend helped Matt and I get "unfat"- neither of us had hit our goal- but we were well on our way and it felt amazing… and then life got crazy- I held my own for a while… managing not to pack the pounds back on… but that didn't last long… I'm not back up to where I was when I first started the adventure but it's getting scarily close… I worked so hard to find skinny… go so close… and let it all go… I desperately want to get skinny back.
Confession: I am an emotional eater. When I'm feeling crappy- horrible food soothes my soul… for a few minutes anyway… wanna know how I am feeling? Watch me eat… care to know how the week is going? look in my fridge… I would love to get back to the point where I go to the gym when I'm feeling down- but I HATE working out alone. and honestly I'm still at a point where some days I don't want the world to see me- to see what the mess of life has turned me into… so instead of going to the gym- I stay home and eat…
Confession: Candy Crush… I'm addicted! It was a game I played while pregnant, especially for the week I was on bed rest. I'd conquer levels as TJ kicked away… it was a mindless game that passed the hours when I was alone… now it's something that occupies my brain just enough to keep me from falling into darkness… I play and my mind is transferred back to a week where all I worried about was "baking my baby" for as long as possible…
Tell me one of your confessions… maybe it will free your mind!
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