(Before we even begin- this post was written in October of 2015...)
Truth is my absence hasn't been completely due to things being busy... I've thought about blogging... written a few posts... and then after taking my normal "write a post, sleep on it, publish it later" process I realize it's just not how I want it to be- I couldn't find the right words.
And then I listened to Elvis Duran on the way to school the other morning. Normally his topics during my commute make me giggle, but on this day I wanted to throw my shoe at him! The topic was about needing to push "negative" people out of your life. At first I totally agreed- let the people go who make no attempt to be in your life. (You know, the friend who found a new friend and now has no time for you unless they need you to do something that benefits only them...) They started taking calls and I don't remember what triggered it- but I realized how VERY WRONG pushing all negative people out of your life is.
Begin self reflection... I've been that negative person for the larger part of the past two and a half years... it's not on purpose, I'm not happy about it, I want to change that, I try to change it. I've had moments of brightness... I've been through more in 2.5 years than most people could handle in a lifetime. I'm a stronger person now... but the bubbly Bekah had her bubble burst.
I'm the friend who needs you to call me. Needs you to make the plans. Needs you to go above and beyond to let me know I'm loved. I'm also the person who takes everything incredibly personally. And in my current state- anything that I love that is taken from me is a huge loss. I'm the needy friend right now. I'm also the friend who will drop everything when you get heartwrenching news and do whatever I can to help you.
According to Elvis- I should be pushed out of your life so that you are only surrounded by happy, wonderful friends.
I've stopped counting the number of people who have done just that. I've been greatly hurt by people telling me "You just are too sad" and they've dropped me like a bad habit. (Let's get something straight right now- losing a baby is THE WORST thing a person can experience. Losing 2 babies means that person needs incredible love and grace- they are fragile, especially in the weeks after the loss)
That loss of friends and family lead to me sinking deep. I was grieving. I needed friends, love, grace that in my grief I might not always get it right.
Some days I am flat out negative. My hope is dwindling. My innocence is lost. I live with a constant fear that the only children that I will have are the babies I could not keep safe in my womb. I failed at my first responsibility as a mother.
I'm a failure. I may never have a rainbow baby. I wasn't valued enough to have the truth heard to stay a youth leader to girls I had greatly invested in. (and who brought me great joy.)
Sinking Deep. Elvis said push me to the side. I say look at those friendships and really evaluate them. A friend who is purely using you- sure, time to move on. A friend who is sinking deep, especially due to loss, extend some love and a lot of grace. Be the one to ALWAYS makes the call, sends the text, makes the plans. (A majority of the time I don't know how to do this anymore.) I gaurentee you the difference you are making in that friend's life is more meaningful than you will ever know. You won't see it. You might not even hear it. But they won't forget it.
You may be the light, love, grace they need to face the next day. Maybe they politely decline due to a schedule conflict, or only talk for a few minutes... don't give up. Keep trying. Be their light. Cause I promise you- some days the darkness is consuming. Not every day. There are bright days. You can make them brighter. You can make them more frequent.
Do the opposite of what Elvis suggests... Embrace the ones who are grieving- days, weeks, months, years later... because it never goes away.
On a lighter note...I couldn't find any matching socks this morning... took the dogs out and found 3 of my socks... in Clara's mouth.
Truth is my absence hasn't been completely due to things being busy... I've thought about blogging... written a few posts... and then after taking my normal "write a post, sleep on it, publish it later" process I realize it's just not how I want it to be- I couldn't find the right words.
And then I listened to Elvis Duran on the way to school the other morning. Normally his topics during my commute make me giggle, but on this day I wanted to throw my shoe at him! The topic was about needing to push "negative" people out of your life. At first I totally agreed- let the people go who make no attempt to be in your life. (You know, the friend who found a new friend and now has no time for you unless they need you to do something that benefits only them...) They started taking calls and I don't remember what triggered it- but I realized how VERY WRONG pushing all negative people out of your life is.
Begin self reflection... I've been that negative person for the larger part of the past two and a half years... it's not on purpose, I'm not happy about it, I want to change that, I try to change it. I've had moments of brightness... I've been through more in 2.5 years than most people could handle in a lifetime. I'm a stronger person now... but the bubbly Bekah had her bubble burst.
I'm the friend who needs you to call me. Needs you to make the plans. Needs you to go above and beyond to let me know I'm loved. I'm also the person who takes everything incredibly personally. And in my current state- anything that I love that is taken from me is a huge loss. I'm the needy friend right now. I'm also the friend who will drop everything when you get heartwrenching news and do whatever I can to help you.
According to Elvis- I should be pushed out of your life so that you are only surrounded by happy, wonderful friends.
I've stopped counting the number of people who have done just that. I've been greatly hurt by people telling me "You just are too sad" and they've dropped me like a bad habit. (Let's get something straight right now- losing a baby is THE WORST thing a person can experience. Losing 2 babies means that person needs incredible love and grace- they are fragile, especially in the weeks after the loss)
That loss of friends and family lead to me sinking deep. I was grieving. I needed friends, love, grace that in my grief I might not always get it right.
Some days I am flat out negative. My hope is dwindling. My innocence is lost. I live with a constant fear that the only children that I will have are the babies I could not keep safe in my womb. I failed at my first responsibility as a mother.
I'm a failure. I may never have a rainbow baby. I wasn't valued enough to have the truth heard to stay a youth leader to girls I had greatly invested in. (and who brought me great joy.)
Sinking Deep. Elvis said push me to the side. I say look at those friendships and really evaluate them. A friend who is purely using you- sure, time to move on. A friend who is sinking deep, especially due to loss, extend some love and a lot of grace. Be the one to ALWAYS makes the call, sends the text, makes the plans. (A majority of the time I don't know how to do this anymore.) I gaurentee you the difference you are making in that friend's life is more meaningful than you will ever know. You won't see it. You might not even hear it. But they won't forget it.
You may be the light, love, grace they need to face the next day. Maybe they politely decline due to a schedule conflict, or only talk for a few minutes... don't give up. Keep trying. Be their light. Cause I promise you- some days the darkness is consuming. Not every day. There are bright days. You can make them brighter. You can make them more frequent.
Do the opposite of what Elvis suggests... Embrace the ones who are grieving- days, weeks, months, years later... because it never goes away.
On a lighter note...I couldn't find any matching socks this morning... took the dogs out and found 3 of my socks... in Clara's mouth.
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