I'm guessing that most of you reading this aren't "part of the club" meaning you haven't lost a baby. Oh how I envy you...
Just as you can't imagine how it is to know loss... I can't imagine how it is to try and walk beside someone who knows loss, and not have a clue.
Let me share what I've learned- both from my experience as an angel mother and as a friend who has walked beside others who have lost.
1) Be there. It's just that simple. No need for constant words. Just be there. With a tissue, with a hug, with a listening ear, with yourself. Nothing says more to someone who feels completely alone than to have someone being there.
2) Don't lie. If an angel mom asks you a point blank question- a lie is ALWAYS the wrong answer. The truth will be found out and will hurt a million times more. Lying to us says you don't value us, that we don't matter. This is especially true of "announcements." The announcement will most likely send us into tears... but lying about it damages the joy we will feel.
3) Be sensitive. If you are inviting us to a baby/pregnancy event let us know. Sending a baby shower invite? A phone call ahead of time will soften the blow at the mailbox. Announcing? As impersonal as it may seem- a perfectly timed text/email helps. Catch us at home, not alone. This allows us to shed the tears we so desperately need to, yet respond with the happiness we want to show you.
4) Please don't tell us we are too sad. We know it. We hate it. And we could never wish anyone to have to experience this sadness. Instead of telling us we are sad- Be There.
5) Follow Through. I can't tell you the number of people who said "we should get together" or "lets do dinner sometime." Yet 4 months later- nothing. It may not seem like it, but we really like the thought of human interaction. Is it possible that it's not going to be the most exciting night of your week? Most definitely. Are you going to help make angel parents feel loved, valued, and semi-normal. ABSOLUTELY. An hour or 2 of "sacrifice" to spend with us can help prevent #4. Just the same, we notice the people who offer and then never show and that sends a very clear message that we don't matter.
6) Don't take "No" for an answer. I used this phrase when organizing meals for a friend going through a rough spot. Never did I expect it to be "used against me" but it was. A meal was offered to us, I politely declined (because that's what you try to do) and my friend quoted me word for word. She showed up with a simple meal... a meal that said, "we love you, we care about you, we are sorry we can't fix this." It was a dinner (and lunch the next day) that I didn't have to think about or even prepare. And a portion of the meal was something new for us. Now every time we have it, I think of this friend and her caring.
7) Give us grace. We will cry. We might say something that seems odd or offends you- kindly let us know. Chances are we didn't mean to. We live in a different world- a world that society has silenced and we are trying to break the silence in hopes that no one else ever loses a baby.
8) Don't take away things that bring us joy. The greatest disservice you can do to someone in the darkness of loss is to add more loss. In the darkness of infant loss anything that disappears after that loss is also a loss. And it just sends us farther into the darkness. Friends fading away= loss. Replaced on the team= loss. Asked to take time away from a passion= loss. As a wise friend once told me, "it's just like shoveling more sh!t onto the pile."
9) Small gifts/tokens and donations. These are HUGE! There are many amazing organizations out there specifically making mementos for angel parents- sunset pictures, name boards, necklaces, dog tags, charms, statues, bears... the list is rather incredible. All things designed to bring comfort to a grieving parent. Something that remembers their baby soothes the soul and speaks so loudly. Visit with something small. Send a card with a note that you donated to a baby loss charity. Simple actions that say so much!
10) Speak baby's name. Nothing makes my heart smile bigger than hearing someone else talk about TJ or our miscarried monkey. We know it's not comfortable for you, but we love to hear it. If you can't say it- find a way to allow us to bring it up in conversation.
11) Value our feelings. If we reach out to you and tell you something we are feeling, acknowledge it. We aren't asking you to agree with it, but we are trusting you to value what we have to say. I shared my heart the other day, something that was just really hard to hear and I reached out to 2 friends to express the challenge it was. One friend responded with "Hugs" and the other told me, "that's just how life is." The first response said to me, "I'm here, I care, I don't necessarily understand/agree, but I know you hurt and I love you." The other said, "Who cares that you hurt, get over it already." I know that's not how my friend intended for it to be- but that's how my hurting heart took it.
12) Don't assume you know how we feel. This has been one of the biggest struggles for me. My experience with baby loss is unlike anyone else's. I can relate to how most angel parents feel, but I will never know 100%. This goes hand in hand with #11. Value our feelings, we value yours!
13) Greet us with: "it's good to see you!" Instead of "how are you?" The first is warm and safe- it's welcoming. The later is a loaded question! Do you really want to know? Do I really want to share? I'm trying to make this transition completely... To greet someone I'm happy to see and save that loaded question for when I truly am inquiring.
14) Look beyond the tears. Angel parent's emotions betray us... I get tears over everything! Tears when I'm sad and hurting, tears when I'm healing, tears when my soul is being soothed, and tears with a happy heart. Follow our lead not our tears. And when in doubt, give a hug, a tissue, and a kind, loving word.
Pregnancy and infant loss is an indescribable experience- we are learning just as you are. It's something that will NEVER go away! Walking with us through our journey is the best thing you can do to ease the pain, lessen the burden, show us you care. Love us- period!
If you know someone who has had a loss- maybe yesterday, maybe a year ago, 5 years, 10... Maybe it happens tomorrow... Remember these things, apply them and know- you are making a difference that will forever be appreciated!
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